Eighty; maybe number five at best

It's been quite awhile since I last posted. Years, even. 

So much has changed. 

Yet so little. 

Nah, actually everything is different. 

It isn't like I have a fan base, so I don't necessarily have to explain. 

I don't even know where to start. 

The heartache I've had since my last post. 

Both from a few guys, or just from missing my dad. 

Today's post though, is a mix of a lot. 

Like how I'm nobody's number one. 

Never have been. 

So why would I ever be. 

I met this guy, nearly exactly a year ago. 

We've slept together a few times, and for some reason I keep expecting more. 

He's told me multiple times not to expect anything. That nothing will happen. 

He's such a great guy. But doesn't want a relationship. 

He's fucked up too many times before. 

Now he's into some other lady. 

Of course. 

Which brings me to my problem. 

My biggest, hardest thing I've had to deal with lately. 

I'm nobody's first thought. 

I'm nobody's number one. 

Nobody actually cares. 

If I were to leave. Who would notice. 

Not being anybody's number one, means they always have someone more important to replace me. 

I'm not the best at anything. 

I'm not the best at making my friends smile. 

Not the best at making them laugh. 

Sometimes...

Actually most times these days,

I wonder what the point is. 

What's keeping me alive is my mom not being able to afford my funeral. 

Or be able to afford to live without me in general, ya know, since I pay a bit of the bills. 

I'm going to ask my psych to get me another counsellor. 

One I like this time. 

I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. 

Where do you go with that. 

Just knock me out. Go into acoma.

I'm lost. Where do I go and what do I do. 

Eighty; maybe number five at best

It's been quite awhile since I last posted. Years, even. 

So much has changed. 

Yet so little. 

Nah, actually everything is different. 

It isn't like I have a fan base, so I don't necessarily have to explain. 

I don't even know where to start. 

The heartache I've had since my last post. 

Both from a few guys, or just from missing my dad. 

Today's post though, is a mix of a lot. 

Like how I'm nobody's number one. 

Never have been. 

So why would I ever be. 

I met this guy, nearly exactly a year ago. 

We've slept together a few times, and for some reason I keep expecting more. 

He's told me multiple times not to expect anything. That nothing will happen. 

He's such a great guy. But doesn't want a relationship. 

He's fucked up too many times before. 

Now he's into some other lady. 

Of course. 

Which brings me to my problem. 

My biggest, hardest thing I've had to deal with lately. 

I'm nobody's first thought. 

I'm nobody's number one. 

Nobody actually cares. 

If I were to leave. Who would notice. 

Not being anybody's number one, means they always have someone more important to replace me. 

I'm not the best at anything. 

I'm not the best at making my friends smile. 

Not the best at making them laugh. 

Sometimes...

Actually most times these days,

I wonder what the point is. 

What's keeping me alive is my mom not being able to afford my funeral. 

Or be able to afford to live without me in general, ya know, since I pay a bit of the bills. 

I'm going to ask my psych to get me another counsellor. 

One I like this time. 

I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. 

Where do you go with that. 

Just knock me out. Go into acoma.

I'm lost. Where do I go and what do I do. 

Seventy nine; just breathe.

Thank you Ryan Star. I'm trying my best to take those words to heart.

Same exact day as last year, my anxiety hit. A week before my mom's birthday. It's different this time. So different.
My doctor referred me to go see Scott, my counsellor again. I'm also on the list to go see a psychiatrist.

I missed school.. Talked to the school counsellor about everything and he talked to my teachers. I'm freaking out. This is the first time I've been home alone and actually.. Had a problem with it.
My stomach is in knots, my heart is in my throat, trying to jump out and I keep randomly tearing up and crying the odd time.
I just want my mom to get home and to hold me. I'm 18 and I want my mommy. How pathetic.

Anyway, yesterday when I went and talked to my school counselor I stopped in to talk to me photography teacher, mrs Hayes, who has known about everything since the beginning. She went to the counselor with me.. And figuratively held my hand the whole time. After that I went back to her class and she stayed and talked to me for two hours after school. I don't think she knows how much that meant to me. It really helped.

How rude of me..
Happy birthday, dad. I miss you. I even had a glass of Pepsi for you. And chocolate pudding. I love you daddy.

And here's a little rant for you, dad.

Why did you leave me like that. Why didn't you leave me anything saying you loved me. Or that you regretted anything.. I just don't know. I just want to know you're proud of me and happy and love me. Why didn't you leave me with anything to know you love me. I don't even have a birthday card saying 'love dad'. Do you know how much that hurts? I have no proof you loved me. And I'm questioning it everyday that you're gone. Deep down I know you cared.. But I'm just so torn. I just need you. I want to know that you love me. It's just do hard. I really need you right now, daddy. Why can't this all be a lie. Please show up at grad, daddy. Please. You never have to talk to me again. Just show up for that day. Please. I just want to know you're alive and know what's going on. I know your ashes are in my room, but daddy. Please. Tell me it's all a lie.

The tears won't stop falling. And I don't know if I want them to. I just can't do this. It's getting so hard. I don't even know what to say. I'm afraid Corban and/or Breanna are going to get home and see me like this. But I don't want to go to my room and leave my dogs.. Or stop watching Brideday.


Au milieu de l'hiver j'ai découvert en moi un été invincible. But it's beginning to get harder an harder to find that invincible summer. I just need a little help. Just a bit.

Seventy Eight; welcome to the world

January 31st, 7:36pm. 21inches, 8lbs 9oz.
Parker Mason Townsend was born.

I have so much I want to say to you, Parker. But I don't know where to start. I haven't met you, and probably won't for awhile.. But I love you. I love you more than you know. I'm sorry I won't be there all the time to see you grow up, I'm sorry we probably won't get to be very close. But I do love you, and I'm going to try my best to see you whenever I can.

When your dad told me that your mom was pregnant, I was going through a very rough part of my life. And when I found out you would be born, I found another reason to keep on trying. Even though you're around 20hours away, you're still a reason for me to wake up with a smile on my face. I've never been more excited for the future.

I wish your grandad could be here, I wish he could see you. I'm sure you would love him, he was great. I actually had a dream of him the morning your mom's water broke. He wouldn't stop talking, and seemed VERY excited. It was a tough dream at first, but once your grandma told me that you were going to be born, it all made sense.

I'm so excited for your first Easter, Christmas, Halloween. Your first day of school, your graduation day. I'll try my best to be there to see you graduate and walk across that stage. I wish I could be there to hear you laugh, to do that baby babble all babies do... I wish I could curl up with you and watch a movie. Or even just tell you about your grandad.

I love you, Parker. And don't you forget it.

Seventy seven; as always.

Where to be begin..
With 'if I wasn't always right, maybe I wouldn't think this way' or with how I want to hurt myself OR about Sam?
Well, lets go with hurting myself. Then to Sam and so on and so forth.


So..
Is it bad that I imagine cutting? That I crave the bite of something sharp against my skin? Craving the Scarlet line of blood?
Probably.
But I can't bring myself to do it. Which is probably good.. But do I ever want to.
I gained weight. Five pounds. I got down to 137 ish and now I'm 141. Hey fatty, what's up?
Oh nothing. I'll just got be ugly forever. What would it matter? I'll be alone anyone. Who could possibly want me for the rest of their lives. No one. Why? 'Cause I'm one of those people that everyone puts up with. Whatever. I'll be a crazy cat lady or something.

Speaking of being alone.. This is sorta ish relevant ish.
So, I posted on Sam's wall on Facebook, being how we normally are to each other. She took it to heart and got kinda mad at me.
Whatever. Talked to Rob and Trish, apparently she's taking everything to heart. They told me to call her. So I texted her asking to FaceTime 'I can't for three weeks'. You can't squeeze me in for five minutes? K.
Whatever. Just whatever.
I'm done putting in effort.
I'm done with no one caring.

Then, people get mad at me 'cause... Well.. Plenty of reasons. I'm by no means perfect. But I keep guessing things and they always happen. Like people leaving me.. Am I pushing them away by trying to get closer? I don't know.

I'm really afraid I'll be alone forever. That's the last thing I could ever want.

Found out my nephew is due to be born on the 3rd of February. His name will be Parker Mason. Not sure how I feel about the name, but whatever. I hope he loves me. He's part of the only reason I'm still going. I want to meet him.. To love him.. To be a part of his life.

I'm just tired.
I don't want to try anymore.
I'm done fighting off the depression, the anxiety.
Why can't it just come full force again so I can drown in it.

I'm so whiney. It's a temporary problem.. But it sure doesn't feel like it.

Also side note: got my belly button pierced on Monday. I know. Yuck.

Seventy six; feeling kinda indifferent.

Told someone how I felt.
Kinda.
Feelings weren't exactly returned I guess.
Hurt more than I expected.
Whatever. I'll just.. Whatever.
I wish I knew exactly how he felt about me.
But I won't.. Whatever.
He'll leave. They always do.

I'm so.. Blah.
I'm tired.
Kind of happy.
But more upset.
I miss people.
I hate people.
I'm just kind of lost.
I need something to do.

Kaitlyn and I are going to the hockey game tonight. Should be good. I hope.

ManWoman was given two weeks to three months to live. The thought of us losing such an amazing artist.. Is crazy.

I'm so selfish.
Annoying.
Stupid.
Dumb.
I should just shut up and leave.
Go somewhere.. I don't know where. But somewhere.

Seventy five; I have a bad feeling..

About what?
I don't know.
I just couldn't sleep last night, I've been up completely since around 8. My heart is racing, and something is telling me something happened.
I don't know what, but there's something.
I'm stressing out.
Just laying here in bed, my stomach in knots, my heart racing. What's happening. What happened to who.
I just hope it isn't Kyle. Since he was having a real rough night last night. I really, really hope he's ok.

Well, Kaitlyn and I are going to hang out today, then go to the hockey game. She wants to look at phones and stuff. Should hopefully be fun.
Hopefully. Maybe I can shake this feeling.

School is alright. Very school like.
Um, life is life like.
Might have found some jewelry for prom. That's exciting.

Ohhhhhh here we go.