nineteen; S'boy. Sorry i haven't been on in like, forever.

I was in Calgary for about ten days.

Then i went to Winnipeg and went to a family reunion, which means i got to see my brothers!

So lovely.

I was in such an amazing mood, i think that potential depression thing went away.

Then after a 15 hours car ride BACK from Winnipeg to Calgary, my mother has this bright idea of PICKING UP FOR ANOTHER FIVE HOUR LONG CAR RIDE

which for the record, pissed me off so badly i cried.

Weird.

So much has happened i don't know what i have and haven't told you.

Paul said he's coming back "soon" for a few weeks.

BULLSHIT.

The doctors think i have a Hiatus Hernia

Guess that means all my tests came back normal..

She's also putting me on Iberogast

Sneaky people treating me for what they thought i had before

thinking i have IBS and that if they can cure it with that shit then i won't need more medications or a surgery for the hernia.

Come on people.

I miss my brothers sososososo MUCH.

ashdkahd
Mostly Chad, i think he's my favourite

he took me to the movies, and i got to meet his girl- i mean 'lady friend' before anyone else (besides his brother and mom, of course.)

she's awesome.

reminds me of my old art teacher, Mrs Dixon.

although, i asked her how her and Chad met and she said

"On an online dating site"

I told her about mom and paul, well sort of.

She said "Oh ew ew ew ew ew! You have to go through your frogs to get to your prince, or in my case through your frogs to get to my Chad."

I was like, d'aww my brother has a girliefriend!

Then during the movie she was snuggling up with him and everything, if i was closer to him i would have maybe gagged or poked fun at him.

I had such a lovely time, i'd do it again any day.

Corban can an iPod since he couldn't go, and he then had to stay and babysit breanna

Which kind of pissed me off, but hey.

Eighteen; Okay Storms, if you're going to come, be.. Interesting.

It's been storming on and off all day. Well, all week is more like it.

I watched the end of Mom, Dad and Her the other night, good movie, i think.

My moods have been everywhere! If i didn't know any better i'd swear i was pregnant.
Unless i'm another Mary?
I've been in a shitty mood, to a content mood, to so upset i want to cry.

FUCK
i've been touchy to the littlest things
like my mom making eggs for supper last night and i really didn't want them

i nearly cried
whattt the heelll, man?

I'm stressed out the ying yang, why? i don't know.
i want to pull out my hair, curl up in a ball, and have someone tell me it's all going to be alright.

HAHAHA. yes that'll happen.

Wayne's been annoying me lately, too.

GRAH. something about him, just, grrr.

We painted ONE of Porthos's toes, Wayne didn't like that.

Monday should be my last day of school, hopefully.

I want to watch a movie or something, what should i watch?
I want to watch Charlie St. Cloud, even though i don't really like Zach Efron.
I want to see Moulin Rouge, but apparently the site i'm on doesn't have it.

Hmm, what to watch.
The commercial about Russian girls looking for boyfriends should go away to.

I don't want to see you bending over and pushing your boobs together, jesus.

I can do that to! Don't see me puttin' that shit online!

My Friends need to grow the fuck up.

I hate my dad for making me realize what i have is so unbearably lucky.

My friends complain about the littlest things, i mean seriously.
My dad isn't here, i'll never see him again.

I have my mother, every day i'm horrified that she won't be coming home.

What do my friends do? Bitch and complain about everything
"My mom won't let me go to the mall! OMG!"
"My mom won't let me get more minutes, my life is over!"

GET THE FUCK OVER IT
or Veronica, okay girl, but her mom is sick.

Her mom can hardly walk, i mean, i know what that's like

a parent that's pratically paralyzed
and what does she do?"
"My mom is such a bitch! She makes me make her bed and do chorse!"
My dad had too much pride to even let me bring his bowl into the kitchen for him
It nearly killed him when people had to help him use the washroom, never mind when he had to use diapers.

AHHHHHH!

i need new friends that appreciate their parents, and realize their parents do what they do because they care for them or because they *Can't* physically do it.

Fuck.

I had a point to this post, what was it?

Seventeen; I want winter to come

No srsly.

I miss winter.

i'd be happy with even just.. fall
I miss being able to curl up under a blanket
wearing sweaters and hoodies.
hot liquids
.. not feeling like i'm going to melt.

Oh, fall and winter. Come soon this year, please.

It just randomly got really windy, then it poured
and now it's all sunny again

Hello bipolar BC weather, how are you today?

I'm up at like 7 tomorrow to go help someone move at 8:30

apparently our family friend wants to get my brother and i plastered?
yea, that.

Nope, now that i think about it

I'll stick with fall

winter is suppose to get to the low of -40 celcius or some fancy shit.

Oh dear.

Now that we're going to MBS we can actually get snow days

no transformer/generator do hicky

yay?

My book is getting depressing.

nearly made me cry. Nearly.

Oh, The Buried Life facebok status thing cracked me up

"I wish my first word could have been quote so that before i die i could have said end quote"

I just pissed off a 23 year old, for picking on his grammar?

mk.
Wimp can't handle a fifteen year old picking on him.

Jokingly.

oook

Sixteen; Well, this isn't looking good.

I think i'm falling back into a depression
or i'm having hardcore anxiety problems, again.

I've been in a real pissy mood lately.

No friends, it's not that lovely time of the month.

FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCK FUCKKK

I was Brandon's body guard today, pratically.
People want to beat the shit out of him for a lie his ex-girlfriend made up.

WHOO.
I asked if he honestly thought a 5'3 girl could protect him
he said that people tend not to hit him when girls are around.

Ok.

I want to cry

I want to scream

I want to have fun

I want to meet someone that cares.

Honestly Cares.

Not that "i care, really." "Lawl guess what she did!" kind of dealio.
Is it so much to ask to be loved?

to have someone i can talk to?

Grah.

I mean, ihave internet people, that i can..

sort of

but i mean in person

NOPE

IMPOSSIBLE.

I'm reading a book called "Remember Me" Three books in one

By Christopher Pike or whatever his name is

i'm on chapter four or so

Pretty cool, so far.

Huge ass storm ripped through town the other day.

like HUGE
Lots of houses and buisnesses/buildings are flooded
i'm afraid to check out basement..

Damn mothes should go find another light, that's not my computer screen.

Fifteen; Ok, don't post. that's cool.

I went and hung out with Bradie and Lane (and Kiersten, for all of like.. an hour maybe)
LOADS of fun.

We stayed at Lane's till 3am.

I wasn't suppose to go sleep over at Bradie's house, but her mom gave in.

We called people between 2-3
people are seriously stupid. SHUT YOUR PHONES OFF.
if you know cruel people such as our selves.

Next day we went back to Lane's, hung out there for awhile
then walked to mcdonalds spent like an hour or two there
started walking back, but then we sat down on a bike road and waved at cars driving by.
105 people made some form of notion towards our waving.

3 gave us the middle finger
5 honks
the rest waves
prettttyy good.

then we walked back to Bradie's, i got my stuff and left
got home, called my mom
She was pissed that i didn't call her to tell her i was going to be spending the rest of the day with Bradie.
Fuck, Corban never calls and never gets in shit
i see how it is.
(i'm the loved one)
then the next day mom got all pissy with me again
i didn't talk to her till like
12 today
civily, without my "yea whatever" voice.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO TODAY
we spent it at the river
where water from the Kootenay lake and ... some other one mix
i rolled around in the mud like a pig.

go me?

burnt my arm i think.
mhm.

then we got home after hanging out there
life went on
6:30-8 rolled around
And i dozed in and out of conscious ness on the couch
i couldn't sleep last night
i normally don't take naps
i must have been REAL tired.

fourteen; I feel like i'm missing something, something big.

I have no clue as to what it is, though.

I'm still scared for my dog

We went to the lake today, it's October fest so there was A LOT of early-mid 20 year old people there. One guy kept grinning at me. He seemed like a really sweet guy, even though i hardly spoke with him. Aw well.

As it turns out, i was thinking of the wrong grandma.
I could wear black to the funeral!

so i did

and..

for the record

i felt very over dressed.

Maybe i'm just overly emotional today..

yea

maybe it was the heat too

since i'm burnt again..

lets just hope that it's that..

thirteen; To be honest.

I'm horrified.

I'm horrified of my dog dying

It scares me

she's going to bed really early

and becoming more and more tired

i want to cry everynight when she goes into her bed and i go to mine

i want to keep her with me, so she doesn't die alone.

I'm scared.

GRAH

tomorrow at two is Kylan's grandma's funeral.

since they're of a.. different.. origin, per say, i don't know if i should wear all black or not.

I'm going to anyway, i hope i don't offend anyone.

I have a few all black outfits i could wear

but all of them look more like.. Party outfits, not a funeral

lace kind of shirt and a black skirt.

Hope it will do.

I'm scared for my dog

i'm scared for my mom

i'm scared for my grandma

i'm scared for my life

i'm scared for my house

i'm just down right scared.

Why can't i worry about things that a normal teenager has to worry about?

Like whether or not my boyfriend is going to break up with me

or if i'm going to have enough minutes/texts

I'm so scared.