Seventy Eight; welcome to the world

January 31st, 7:36pm. 21inches, 8lbs 9oz.
Parker Mason Townsend was born.

I have so much I want to say to you, Parker. But I don't know where to start. I haven't met you, and probably won't for awhile.. But I love you. I love you more than you know. I'm sorry I won't be there all the time to see you grow up, I'm sorry we probably won't get to be very close. But I do love you, and I'm going to try my best to see you whenever I can.

When your dad told me that your mom was pregnant, I was going through a very rough part of my life. And when I found out you would be born, I found another reason to keep on trying. Even though you're around 20hours away, you're still a reason for me to wake up with a smile on my face. I've never been more excited for the future.

I wish your grandad could be here, I wish he could see you. I'm sure you would love him, he was great. I actually had a dream of him the morning your mom's water broke. He wouldn't stop talking, and seemed VERY excited. It was a tough dream at first, but once your grandma told me that you were going to be born, it all made sense.

I'm so excited for your first Easter, Christmas, Halloween. Your first day of school, your graduation day. I'll try my best to be there to see you graduate and walk across that stage. I wish I could be there to hear you laugh, to do that baby babble all babies do... I wish I could curl up with you and watch a movie. Or even just tell you about your grandad.

I love you, Parker. And don't you forget it.

Seventy seven; as always.

Where to be begin..
With 'if I wasn't always right, maybe I wouldn't think this way' or with how I want to hurt myself OR about Sam?
Well, lets go with hurting myself. Then to Sam and so on and so forth.


So..
Is it bad that I imagine cutting? That I crave the bite of something sharp against my skin? Craving the Scarlet line of blood?
Probably.
But I can't bring myself to do it. Which is probably good.. But do I ever want to.
I gained weight. Five pounds. I got down to 137 ish and now I'm 141. Hey fatty, what's up?
Oh nothing. I'll just got be ugly forever. What would it matter? I'll be alone anyone. Who could possibly want me for the rest of their lives. No one. Why? 'Cause I'm one of those people that everyone puts up with. Whatever. I'll be a crazy cat lady or something.

Speaking of being alone.. This is sorta ish relevant ish.
So, I posted on Sam's wall on Facebook, being how we normally are to each other. She took it to heart and got kinda mad at me.
Whatever. Talked to Rob and Trish, apparently she's taking everything to heart. They told me to call her. So I texted her asking to FaceTime 'I can't for three weeks'. You can't squeeze me in for five minutes? K.
Whatever. Just whatever.
I'm done putting in effort.
I'm done with no one caring.

Then, people get mad at me 'cause... Well.. Plenty of reasons. I'm by no means perfect. But I keep guessing things and they always happen. Like people leaving me.. Am I pushing them away by trying to get closer? I don't know.

I'm really afraid I'll be alone forever. That's the last thing I could ever want.

Found out my nephew is due to be born on the 3rd of February. His name will be Parker Mason. Not sure how I feel about the name, but whatever. I hope he loves me. He's part of the only reason I'm still going. I want to meet him.. To love him.. To be a part of his life.

I'm just tired.
I don't want to try anymore.
I'm done fighting off the depression, the anxiety.
Why can't it just come full force again so I can drown in it.

I'm so whiney. It's a temporary problem.. But it sure doesn't feel like it.

Also side note: got my belly button pierced on Monday. I know. Yuck.

Seventy six; feeling kinda indifferent.

Told someone how I felt.
Kinda.
Feelings weren't exactly returned I guess.
Hurt more than I expected.
Whatever. I'll just.. Whatever.
I wish I knew exactly how he felt about me.
But I won't.. Whatever.
He'll leave. They always do.

I'm so.. Blah.
I'm tired.
Kind of happy.
But more upset.
I miss people.
I hate people.
I'm just kind of lost.
I need something to do.

Kaitlyn and I are going to the hockey game tonight. Should be good. I hope.

ManWoman was given two weeks to three months to live. The thought of us losing such an amazing artist.. Is crazy.

I'm so selfish.
Annoying.
Stupid.
Dumb.
I should just shut up and leave.
Go somewhere.. I don't know where. But somewhere.

Seventy five; I have a bad feeling..

About what?
I don't know.
I just couldn't sleep last night, I've been up completely since around 8. My heart is racing, and something is telling me something happened.
I don't know what, but there's something.
I'm stressing out.
Just laying here in bed, my stomach in knots, my heart racing. What's happening. What happened to who.
I just hope it isn't Kyle. Since he was having a real rough night last night. I really, really hope he's ok.

Well, Kaitlyn and I are going to hang out today, then go to the hockey game. She wants to look at phones and stuff. Should hopefully be fun.
Hopefully. Maybe I can shake this feeling.

School is alright. Very school like.
Um, life is life like.
Might have found some jewelry for prom. That's exciting.

Ohhhhhh here we go.

Seventy four; told ya so

I already know what is going to happen. We'll talk all day everyday, then slowly.. You'll stop responding. I'll be surprised if we're still talking by the time my birthday comes around.

I feel oddly replaceable.
Like I'm bring toyed with.
But what's new..
I'm such a 6.
(For those of you wondering, I'm referring to the enneagram which is a personality.. Test, shall we say, that was created by Carl Jung. I love it. It fascinates me).
I don't trust anyone. I don't trust what they say. I think they're just ducking with me.
Such a 6.
Then I'm worrying, digging my heels in against authority.. But wishing for more security.

Whatever.
This is nothing new.
I'm just being melodramatic.
Just like every other teenager out there. Not surprised.
Ugh.

School tomorrow. Would rather not go.
What can ya do.
I'm spoiled. There are kids who would love to be going to school.. And I'm just complaining.

Seventy three; a sad numb.

I feel numb, but.. Sad.
I'm not happy.
Just lost.
Very lost.

I'm awaiting grad. That'll be emotional without my dad.
I've been watching Long Island medium, been making me think of my dad.
How things will be different for us.
It's.. Different.

I found out, on Tuesday, that I'm going to be an aunty on February. Chad texted me saying they were having a little boy. I'm so excited.
I'm excited but I probably won't be able to meet him for a very, very long time.

Still lost.

Seventy two; a welcome feeling.

The anxiety is creeping up again. So is the depression. I'm sitting in class, looking for all the exits even though I know nothing is going to happen.
I'm looking at the clock, fidgeting anxiously waiting for the bell to go so i can go to my next class.
I'm nearly happy to feel this familiar feeling. It's easier this way. Nothing can hurt me, I'm already as low as I can get. I don't know if I even want to be happy. I just crash anyway.
I've been going up and hiding in my room again.
Cowering away. Waiting.
My heart keeps racing.
I can't stand still.
I've been catching myself rocking from foot to foot.
Right now my heart is in my throat.
I've only just gotten out of the shower, gotten my outfit for tomorrow ready, and laid down, nearly ready for bed.
Yet, I'm waiting.
I don't want to go to school. I'm having problems finding motivation.
It's starting so soon.
Why don't I want to be happy?
I can't be helped if I don't want it.
I'm so confused.
Take these feelings away, no, let them stay. I don't know.