Fifty four; I'm astoundingly selfish.

A lot has happened since my last post. Internet guy disappeared. But that was ok since my other long time Internet crush came back, Tyler. We would Skype practically everyday. We would talk everyday. But now he's kinda been ignoring me. Which really worries me. So I sent him a message that probably makes me look like an over sensitive female. I keep imagining him telling me it's all in my head and that he does care.. But then I want to slap myself for getting my own hopes up. Damn. This is why I try not to care too much about People. They just throw it right back in your face. I don't like feeling the burn of a loss. I don't like the thought of being hurt again. But who does?I don't know.

My anxiety made me miss nearly 2months of school. I have no desire to catch up.. I don't feel like I'm worth it. I'm not smart enough, I don't deserve my teachers help. Mrs Hayes and Ms LeGrandeur were both too nice and understanding. I don't deserve it. They should just tell me to suck it up and move on. I'm a teenager, what kind of problems do I have? Nothing. I'm just selfish. I don't deserve their kindness. I don't deserve anything. I hate myself. I feel so depressed. I want to change myself. Lose weight, become desirable. Become worthy. But why bother? I'm not worth it.

When I was put on Prozac I was put on 10mg to start with. Now I'm up to 40mg. The top dose is 60. My doctor said that if he has to bump up my dosage one more time he was going to refer me to a counsellor. Again.
But why do that? There's so many people who need it more than me.
I'm just an over sensitive kid. All I do is whine. I don't want to waste more of their time. I really don't. I'm not that selfish.

I don't deserve anything good.
I don't deserve to be loved, the one thing I want most in life.
I don't deserve to be happy. I have no desire to be happy.
I do deserve to be ugly, like I already am.
I deserve the fact that I'm overweight and I can't lose weight unless I stop eating.
Maybe I should stop eating and just become scary skinny.
Yea right.

I don't want to be here.
I need some comfort.
That's all I want.
But I have no one to talk to.
My friends don't care, and I couldn't tell them anyway.
I could tell my mom.. But.. She'd blame the medicine.
Little does she know that this has been going on for longer than that.
I'll just be a whiney teenager here and make you poor souls put up with me.
Maybe I'll just stay in my room until I have to leave..
No one should have to see me.

I got some blood tests done, and now I go for an ultra sound. Woooo.. Gull bladder problems acting up again! Wooo! I feel bad, people need these tests more than me.

I feel so selfish.
Here I am, mostly fine an healthy but I don't want to be here.
Death seems kinda nice.
But then I have a funeral of a man who did not wish to die to go to on Friday.
There are so many people, who don't want to die but do.
Like my dad.
Then there's me, I have a "whole life ahead of me" but I don't really have any desire to see it.
Why should I? I'm sure it's just full of pain.
That's it.

I was finally smart enough and got the blogger app for my iPod instead of just going on safari and such on here.
Took me long enough.
Maybe now I'll post more.
It's easier and it feels good to rant.
Putting it somewhere that people can read is so much more.. Relaxing than writing a diary. No one would read that.
Here, there's a chance. Someone might see something and might actually have some advice.

I think I'm nearly out of tears now.
I can't believe I let one boy have such an effect. A dominos effect even.
From freaking out about possibly losing the guy I really think I love.. More than any other guy to realizing I'm worthless and not worth anyway.

I'm sorry. Really.