Fifty seven; "I can't come back"

At around 12:04 (I do believe it was then. It was at 12:something anyway) december 19th 2004 my father passed away with my aunty by his side.

I went to bed like any other night. And some people may think I made this up, or that I'm crazy but I had this dream.
My dad had full facial hair, like he liked but my mom never allowed him to have, and he was wearing his favorite outfit. Or at least an outfit he wore a lot.
He sat in his corner on the couch, and I kneeled infront of him, my chin on his knee. He told me that he had to go, and he couldn't come back. I asked him why, he said he just couldn't. I remember crying in my dream. And that's about it.
I then woke up and my uncle Odd was standing in the doorway he said "I'm sorry" and I had no idea why. It never seemed odd that he was there, it just struck me as weird because he was apologizing. Was he apologizing for waking me up or what? To this day I don't know for sure. All I know is that I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

The next day, we got up as usual. I don't remember much of that morning. All I remember is watching Lilo and Stitch. We got to the part where Lilo's big sister was rushing back to the house, because of the fire and the agents. My aunty and nana walked in then, my aunty knelt in front of me and started to rub my foot. They told us that our dad was dead. I don't remember what they said or how we reacted, I just remember thinking that they should go away so we could continue watching our movie.
I don't think we ever did.

I went into the kitchen, where my mom and aunt were. My aunt asked if I wanted to go with her to get my dad's stuff from the hospital. I agreed.
I went to go get my shoes and people started to show up at our door. Ladies my dad worked with brought us food and blankets. We all got our own blanket. More and more people showed up and gave us food. We had enough crackers to last us nearly three years.

Anyway, my aunty and I started to drive to the hospital. I don't remember if we talked. I don't remember anything until we got up to the cancer ward and I looked into the room my dad was staying in. I expected him to be there. He wasn't. The bed was made.. And there was no sign of him. The nurses gave us their condolences and passed us my dad's brown toiletry bag and his little Christmas tree my mom's cousin,who my dad also really got along with, gave him. I thought it was some sick joke. I honestly believed, for many years afterwards that he would still come home. That this was all a lie.
But we got his stuff, and we left. We drove half way home and my aunty pulled over to the side of the road by a park and said that when we were driving we couldn't really talk. So now we could. I remember getting really hot, probably because the heated seats were on and the heat was blasting.. And not saying much. My aunty says I cried a lot, and got mad. Asking why this happened, what we did that was so bad, and how I could get him back. I also apparently told her about my dream. Lots was said, but I don't remember much.
We got home, and there were so many people. So much food and it was just so odd.

I know my grandma came down sometime soon after that. We kids weren't too pleased. I don't remember how those days went.
I remember going to buy groceries for the funeral. We bought a lot of fruit.. A watermelon. And other foods.
We were driving back, sitting on a turkey with blankets over it, when my mom saw people smoking. She started to cry and say that it was because of that habit that she lost her husband and Was buying all this food.

Those few days went by like a blur. I don't remember much else.

Ok, so I lied. This will be in THREE parts!
I'm way too tired and have school in the morning..
So tomorrow I'll write about his funeral.
And Christmas maybe too.

Again, if this doesn't make much sense.. I'm sorry. I'm on my iPod and I'm just kind of jotting down the memories before they leave me.
Needless to say, I'm not exactly emotionally stable right now either so this is kind of.. Part of my way of venting. So it is bound to be scattered.