Sixty eight; while my guitar gently weeps

No matter how much I cry.
How much I beg.
How much I pray.
How much I plead.
He isn't coming back.

No matter how much I want him
How much I need him
How much I miss him
How much I deserve him.
He isn't coming back.

I believe he can.
Maybe he can't.
But I believe he can.
I hope he can.
I wish he can.
Why can't it all be a lie.
Why can't everything be a lie.
Why can't the last eight years not be true.

I just want my dad.
I just miss my dad.
I deserve a dad in my life.
I want my dad back.
I feel empty without him.
I need him.

Daddy..
I can't stop crying.
I just randomly started to think about if you were to come back saying you had no choice. That you're back now.
I want to feel your arms around me.
I need a hug.
A really long hug.
Daddy. Please.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I need you.
Daddy, please. Please please.

Are you proud of me?
What should I change?
What should I never change?
Do you approve?
What do you think of me?
I just want to know that you are out there somewhere.
I just want to know you still love me.
I want to know you still remember me.
Can you hear any of this?
Can you see it?

I don't know what I believe anymore, daddy.
But god damn do I hope there's an afterlife. I hope I can see you. I hope you can hug me. I hope you know how much I miss you.

The tears won't stop.
The years won't go by faster.
I miss you more everyday.
What can I do?
I love mom. I'm so so glad we have her.
But daddy..

I've come to terms you won't walk me down the isle, you won't be there for grad, we won't have a father daughter dance. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to.
I just want your arms around me.
I want to fight.
I want to laugh.
I want to smile.
I want to be with you.

I know it all sounds so bad. But I just want to curl up on the couch and watch wrestling or train 48 with you again. I want you to get mad at me for my smartass comments.
I want you to tell you everything. I want to cry as we have a father daughter bonding moment. I want you to hold me while you plot the demise of the boy who broke my heart.
I just want those experiences.
Please daddy. Please.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I just sit here wondering what it would have been like if you were here.
What would be different.
Who would I be.
What would I be.
How would I change?
Daddy..
Oh daddy.

I know you always hated it when we cried. But dad, I can't bear it. I really need you. One last hug. One last goodbye. One last I love you. One last I'm proud of you. Just one last.. Everything.


I want a tattoo. Or three dedicated to you, at least. I want to explain to people what they mean, how much you meant to me.

I don't know I can sleep, but I'm going to try.
Rest easy, dad.
I love you more than ever thought possible.
Oh daddy.. Please make it an eight year long lie. I miss you.