sixty five; i think that's the right number..

I'm kind of lost.
I kind of hate myself.
Part of me really.. doesn't understand what's going on.

I'm jealous of a ten year old.
My mom doesn't want to let her use make up for a very long time, she's afraid that it will just enhance her beauty. She's already curvy, very pretty.. I constantly get reminded of it.
No one ever called me cute, never mind beautiful.
I've never been attractive. I've never felt like i was a truly beautiful, intelligent woman.

I feel more like a fish out of water.
I'm by no means the proper weight. Diets suck.
I want to give up. I'd rather be anorexic, but it doesn't work for me.
I can't not eat.. unless other things happen. I need a trigger.

Why couldn't i get the attractive, skinny genes?
No, i had to get the fat ass ugly genes.
Guarantee Breanna will have no problems getting a boyfriend.
I can't even get a guy to tell me the time of day.
Whatever.

i think i'm doing better.
But.. i don't want to be?
is that bad?
I'd rather just go back to bed and hate life.
I have nothing to live for right now, anyway.
What can i do? nothing.
My friends say they want to hang out, but never do.
I have no job, i'm pretty much just a pain and expensive.

I figured out what i want to do for college.
Go and get my Human Service Worker diploma, i'll be able to do anything i want to after that.
Social worker, youth worker, corrections worker, addictions worker, all that.
That's what's keeping me going.

Got paid for the photography.
Published and paid photographer now, cool.

might be getting a job at Walmart again.

Prozac is up to.. 60 i think. Top dose he'd ever give out being 80. If i have to go up, that'll be me.
Wow.
so expensive. nearly 100$ for my drugs a month..

i don't know what's wrong. i'm just so..
blah.


I think Britt is still anorexic. Looking at videos on YouTube and so many of those stomachs look like her.. concave.. skinny.. not right.
Oh man, this just.. wow.

i'm so lost.
i don't know what to do.
i'm too happy,
but not happy enough.
i'm just so.. in the middle.
i'll have to deal with it.

Could be worse.