Seventy three; a sad numb.

I feel numb, but.. Sad.
I'm not happy.
Just lost.
Very lost.

I'm awaiting grad. That'll be emotional without my dad.
I've been watching Long Island medium, been making me think of my dad.
How things will be different for us.
It's.. Different.

I found out, on Tuesday, that I'm going to be an aunty on February. Chad texted me saying they were having a little boy. I'm so excited.
I'm excited but I probably won't be able to meet him for a very, very long time.

Still lost.

Seventy two; a welcome feeling.

The anxiety is creeping up again. So is the depression. I'm sitting in class, looking for all the exits even though I know nothing is going to happen.
I'm looking at the clock, fidgeting anxiously waiting for the bell to go so i can go to my next class.
I'm nearly happy to feel this familiar feeling. It's easier this way. Nothing can hurt me, I'm already as low as I can get. I don't know if I even want to be happy. I just crash anyway.
I've been going up and hiding in my room again.
Cowering away. Waiting.
My heart keeps racing.
I can't stand still.
I've been catching myself rocking from foot to foot.
Right now my heart is in my throat.
I've only just gotten out of the shower, gotten my outfit for tomorrow ready, and laid down, nearly ready for bed.
Yet, I'm waiting.
I don't want to go to school. I'm having problems finding motivation.
It's starting so soon.
Why don't I want to be happy?
I can't be helped if I don't want it.
I'm so confused.
Take these feelings away, no, let them stay. I don't know.

Seventy one; I think..

I'm bipolar.
I don't mean that in the "Ahahaha. Teenaged pms! Ahahaha".
I mean legitimately bipolar. I looked it up.. And if just seems to make sense. I've been reading alllll about it on the Internet. I know that isn't for sure or anything. But it makes sense.

I'm also pretty sure I may like someone more than I thought. I dislike that.

We might get Sky in the spring. Sandy is moving and may not be able to take her with. And she knows we love her and will take good care of her.

I'm so lost right now.

Seventy; is it bad...

That I miss the anxiety? The depression? The longing to feel normal?
I go through moments where i'm just.. So sad. Or I feel like i'm going to have an anxiety attack. But when those moments go, I feel empty. I don't know how to feel, or anything.

I just miss the loneliness, being able to stay home and hide in my room.
I don't know.
I don't get it.

I just don't feel right.

Sixty nine; little late.

So I figured I would tell you guys I got my prom dress. I got it on like.. Theee.. 1st or so. I love it. So much. I got it at the local dress shop here. I'm so excited for prom now.

I took my medicine, but then I took two midol. big mistake. Knocked me out for a few hours.

I'm not sure how I feel.
I had a dream about my dad last night.. Then today I was talking to my mom about this girl and how she is with the dad of her kid (who she is no longer with). My mom said the only reason she would have divorced my dad would have been for a reason that made it so he could never see us again. That caused a pang of hope.
I'm still in denial. I'm not sure how to come to terms with this. At has been 8 years.. How can I not.. I don't know. Anyone have any tips?

On the 28th, when I went and looked at dresses with Kaitlyn for prom, we went to the cancer ward afterwards. I kinda felt like it was.. A sign. Maybe. From my dad. Probably not.. But I like to think so.

I miss his voice. So much.
Ugh.

I'm so, blah. Not happy, not sad, but kinda.. Numb.
I don't know why. I was doing so well. Now I'm just so.. Iffy.

On the 17th I go for my L test. Then everyone can lay off my ass about it. That's exciting.

I'm tired.
I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Sixty eight; while my guitar gently weeps

No matter how much I cry.
How much I beg.
How much I pray.
How much I plead.
He isn't coming back.

No matter how much I want him
How much I need him
How much I miss him
How much I deserve him.
He isn't coming back.

I believe he can.
Maybe he can't.
But I believe he can.
I hope he can.
I wish he can.
Why can't it all be a lie.
Why can't everything be a lie.
Why can't the last eight years not be true.

I just want my dad.
I just miss my dad.
I deserve a dad in my life.
I want my dad back.
I feel empty without him.
I need him.

Daddy..
I can't stop crying.
I just randomly started to think about if you were to come back saying you had no choice. That you're back now.
I want to feel your arms around me.
I need a hug.
A really long hug.
Daddy. Please.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I need you.
Daddy, please. Please please.

Are you proud of me?
What should I change?
What should I never change?
Do you approve?
What do you think of me?
I just want to know that you are out there somewhere.
I just want to know you still love me.
I want to know you still remember me.
Can you hear any of this?
Can you see it?

I don't know what I believe anymore, daddy.
But god damn do I hope there's an afterlife. I hope I can see you. I hope you can hug me. I hope you know how much I miss you.

The tears won't stop.
The years won't go by faster.
I miss you more everyday.
What can I do?
I love mom. I'm so so glad we have her.
But daddy..

I've come to terms you won't walk me down the isle, you won't be there for grad, we won't have a father daughter dance. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to.
I just want your arms around me.
I want to fight.
I want to laugh.
I want to smile.
I want to be with you.

I know it all sounds so bad. But I just want to curl up on the couch and watch wrestling or train 48 with you again. I want you to get mad at me for my smartass comments.
I want you to tell you everything. I want to cry as we have a father daughter bonding moment. I want you to hold me while you plot the demise of the boy who broke my heart.
I just want those experiences.
Please daddy. Please.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I just sit here wondering what it would have been like if you were here.
What would be different.
Who would I be.
What would I be.
How would I change?
Daddy..
Oh daddy.

I know you always hated it when we cried. But dad, I can't bear it. I really need you. One last hug. One last goodbye. One last I love you. One last I'm proud of you. Just one last.. Everything.


I want a tattoo. Or three dedicated to you, at least. I want to explain to people what they mean, how much you meant to me.

I don't know I can sleep, but I'm going to try.
Rest easy, dad.
I love you more than ever thought possible.
Oh daddy.. Please make it an eight year long lie. I miss you.

Sixty Seven; wow.

This song.. speaks to me.. so much
if you really want to understand me, i highly recommend watching that video. It's my life from February, when things first started going downhill, until June, when they started to show a glimpse of hope.
I really.. can't explain how crazy this is to me. I have never related to much to a song.
i just want to keep listening since all the words.. seem to fit so.. perfectly.

pretty much decided I'm going to be alone forever.
i know I'm young.
i know i have time.
but.. i just.. it doesn't seem like it's going to happen.
so whatever, I'll stop trying.
I won't, but I'm saying that now out of spite.

I REALLY need a job.
I REALLY want this camera.. it's a beauty. Nikon D7000 or something would be dandy..hot damn.
that's one sexy piece of camera.
must have.

I have so many ideas for photography.
I can't do any of them.
Well, some, but not enough.

WHATEVER SUCH AS LIFE I'LL FIND A WAY

I'm not used to being the one convincing someone they're worth something.
now i see why everyone gave up on me
But I'm not going to give up, it hurts too much.
i want people to know that they matter.
They're more than they think.
I just wish they could believe me when i tell them