twenty Five; I wish i could be normal.

I cried myself to sleep lastnight.
Because i was afraid my dog didn't love me anymore.
Afraid she didn't remember me.
It scared me to death.
I had the thought of her potential death run through my mind,
Which made me think that she's the last thing i have that also belonged to my father
Sure, that may not be exactly true.
But she's one thing the two of us loved very much.
I then cried, 'cause i missed my daddy so much.
i grabbed his ring and balled my eyes out.
I wish i had proof that he's proud of me, that he loves me.
I miss him more than i miss anyone.

I'm sick. I've been hacking up a lung for the passed few days.
And i'm losing my voice.
I sound like a pubescent boy.
My voice keeps cracking.
NOW I HAVE THE SNIFFLES
which pisses me off.

Veronica is seriously pissing.me.off.
I noticed that everything, always, has to be about her?
yeah, apparently so.
I didn't give her the attention she wanted, and i didn't take her side.
So she got pissed with me.
Oh, Okay.
Then later she calls me and said that she was bored and wanted to
talk to someone, i said i had to go for supper and she said
"Ok i'll call someone else. bye"
Ok, that's cool.
THEN
as we're walking to school the next day she said "I'm not going to hang
out with you guys at lunch 'cause i'm going to KFC with Shay"
Alright, that's cool.
Later, not even ten minutes after that she walks to her other friend
"What are you doing at lunch today"
Ok, i get it. You don't want to spend lunch with me
BUT REALLY
must you be SO rude?

/Whiney Teen.

I decided that i really want a Clock necklace/Clock penant/thingy
I love them, so much. I've wanted one for awhile, but i've kept it to myself.
The other day i decided that, what the hell.
I'll email aunty Faye some pictures i like of them, and ask her to keep in eye out for me
Since she lives in a bigger city.
(By like.. 80k people..)


I've seen Paul like three times.
Twice was within the hour..
Once was when i was walking home, he was in the parkinglot i walk by.
Then the second and third time was in Safeway.
Scary.Shit.

I've been babysitting a lot lately
Not really.

I feel like my life is unraveling.
Good friendships are dying
and my life feels so horrible.
Even though it's fine, and i'm just a whiney teenager.

So sick.
I may be able to get out of gym, which makes my life <3>

twenty four; Oh that's Cool.

Just talk about me like i can't hear. Even though i'm just in the next room.
S'all cool.

Fucking ass.
"She better not bitch about her stomach to me with what she's doing!"

So i add a little too much vinager to my chicken and such. So what?
Maybe you should stop drinking, which will help your stomach.

OWAIT

I don't even complain about my stomach to you so you know what, SHUT THE FUCK UP

I'll do what i fucking want. K? K.

Oh my god, you people frustrate me!
"Lets bitch about Meranda, even though we know she can hear! Hooray!"
Ugh.

Babysat, i love that kid. I wonder what's a good gift for a.. few month old? like 4 month old.

I'm going to go buy some cool new makeup, soon.

I want to hit something.

I got skype today, pretty cool.

I want to cry.

I have an exam and stuff soon.Goodie, right? yea.

I painted my nails. Purty.

I GOT MY RESULTS
i have the hernia. (The one on the far right in the picture)

GUESS WHAT?!
I'M STUCK WITH IT!
they won't do shit for it.
Whoo.

I'm being tested for diebetes, and my thyroid is being checked.
Again.
They hated my veins. they rolled. I lawled.

I'M SO DAMN FRUSTRATED

twenty Three; I wish you could see how you hurt me.

How you hurt yourself, even.

Britt, why can't you realize you're killing yourself.

You're not fat, you'll never be fat.

Please eat, please drink.

Please don't go bulimic.

Please, Britt, Please get better.

Girl, you don't realize what you mean to me, how much i care for you. How much i miss the old you. The one that wasn't always cold, that wasn't such a germaphobe. Britt, be careful.

Stop those situps, don't measure yourself, eat something. DRINK.

Please, you don't realize how horrible this is for you

You're sick already, your body is already screwed, don't make this worse.

Please.

I know i should tell someone about you, i told my mom. But man, i don't know how i can tell anyone else. Please, Britt. Please. Don't make this so hard

I lay in bed everything wondering if you're okay, if you're going to wake up the next morning and eat, or if you'll wake up at all.

Please.

I want to scream at you for not eating, but it wouldn't do anything.

I wish those guys would stop calling you a babe, or sexy, or whatever.

I feel like they're pushing you on, making you feel like the skinnier you are, the prettier.

Britt, you're so beautiful. But this isn't the way, if you want to "not become fat" then maybe go to the gym, watch what you eat, in a healthy way. Don't do this.

Please.

I'm scared and i can't do it.

I know what to do, i should tell your mom. I should tell someone, that's not my mom.

But i don't know how.

I don't want to betray you, but i don't want to lose you.

I want you to be okay.

God, i'm scared for you.

I'm ignoring what could put hme in danger, and i'm worrying for you.

Why can't you see that everyone is

that we all care

and none of us want this

if we could

we'd stuff food down your throat, and make you eat

make you drink

hide the scales

anything.

But we can't, can we?

You're a bag of bones, you always have been. You don't know what this is going to do to you.

Twenty Three; You son of a bitch.

Dear,
Male side of Opa's side of the family (other than uncle Odd)
Uncle Bjorne you don't know shit all. So you can STFU

Thor, i don't feel like i can call you Opa anymore 'cause of all this shit you've done. I feel ashamed to call you family.

You let your friend molest my mother, and you laugh. You did this many times.

AND YOU AHVE THE FUCKING NERVE TO SAY YOU DIDN'T
and now you're bringing in other people, who is bringing in even more

do you realize what the hell you've done?

YOU LEFT MY MOM WHEN SHE WAS PRATICALLY 10

and you say that you helped support her, and you were the best father could be? My fucking ass.

Learn to be a fucking man, keep shit to yourself, between the people that should be involved not the whole god damn fucking family. You piece of shit. I hope you burn in hell. No, better yet. I hope someone makes you feel the way you made my mother and her cousin feel. Then go through the pain of you telling them they're lying. You.. i can't even explain how horribly i feel for you. How i just want you to die, and never cause this hurt on my mother EVER AGAIN.

On other news, Paul came over to the house.

I was at school, neighbour told him that she's suppose to call the cops if she sees him here, he kinda left. Tried to be all "friendly" with her, saying he just wanted to see if the cat was around, and that he wants a divorce so he can "get on with his life." Yea, whatever.

Neighbour called her add, who went to my mom's work, told her. My sister went to their house after school so she wasn't alone.

She sent me a message on facebook, just incase i would be on at school

(The one time i'm not..)

Told another friend, she told me get a gun and a baseball bat. Freakin' Americans. Guns don't just come out of thin air. and like, seriously?

I babysat Crystal the other night, too. For four hours. It wasn't too bad, i felt kinda awkward, though. I was so tired at the end of it, though. And i was only their till midnight.

Ugh, thank goodness their my neighbours.

I kind of love that baby. <33>

I'm frustrated.

I'm sick.

I'm hurting.

I feel all -blah-.

twenty Two; I just ate a few pickles.

OH MOTHER FUCKING JESUS

Paul's back.

Austin messaged me on Facebook

And Tyler doesn't have to go to jail.

Paul-

I'm fucking scared. We've put on new locks, and we have deadbolts. We're trying to make the house less easy to break into. It's just my sister and i at home. I'm kind of scared. I'm nervous. I wish i wasn't alone.

Austin-

Yea, he messaged me. So i'm assuming he "Wants to be friends." Bahahhaha. If you want to be friends with your ex, you clearly never loved them (or so i've been told.)
Pissed me off. I feel sick to my stomach over it. Weird, huh?
Break your girlfriend of a year and a day (yea that's right)'s heart and expect it to be all peachy? Alright! .. you shit.

Tyler-

He didn't have to go to jail! That's all i know. I don't know why he might've had to go or anything, he said it's long and stupid. So.. who knows.

I babysat my neighbour's daughter's daughter yesterday while my neighbour's daughter had their cat put down. The cat was old.. Anyway, oh my goodness. Crystal is so adorable

and did so well with me! She hardly cried, and when she did it was 'cause she was hungry, or she was filling her diaper. Oh when she's filling her diaper (and not crying) she's SO cute. I could just eat her up. I babysat for an hour. She was going to pay me, but i couldn't accept the money, i mean.. She just put down her cat, and she has a one month old to take care of. I love that kid. So much.

Sam brought me some primer, it's so amazing. (Make up Primer, by the way)
She also got a puppy, Caeser, oh goodness. He's SO cute. Pom., wiener dog, and pug mix. Sounds ugly but oh goodness he's like 7 weeks old or so. He's so tiny and so cute. He's black, and just. OH GOODNESS. Cute ness overload!

I started a new book series. The Night World by L.J. Smith. I just finished The Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare. I can't wait to read her other books. I feel so nerdy.

Veronica's been having some.. teenaged.. problems.. lately. Being hit head on.
I can't help but get annoyed with her, and feel pity. I'm such a horrible friend.

My right side of my chest kinda hurts. I don't know why.

I feel sick.

My head hurts.

I want to cry.

I wish teenagers could see what they have.

That they wouldn't cry when their parents tell them they can't go out.

I wish they could see that their parents do and say what they do and say because they love them and want the best for them (some anyway.)
Instead they complain and bitch about every little thing their parents do. Look around you, is being kept in the house all night really so bad? Does having to keep your grades up seem so horrible?

I re-dyed my hair. It's now no longer splotchy, it's all Black-ish (for the most part)
No it wasn't suppose to be black, it was suppose to be dark brown.

I guess i left it in too long. My bad.
I wish i could feel safe in my own house, my own place of birth, my own home.

Twenty One; I feel sick.

And i have no idea as to why.

Veronica just came over, we hung out for a few hours.
We had a sort of heart to heart talk.
It was nice.

I dyed my hair again.
It's darkk brown
but i did a shitty dye job
my mom thinks it looks cool.
My friend says people pay a lot of money to have junks missing like mine..
yeaaa..

I have three songs i can't stop listening to..

Beauty Of The Dark- Mads Langer
You're Not Alone - Mads Langer
Wonderful Life- Hurts

Did i tell you that i went to the first dance of the year?
It was pretty intense.
Only person that didn't dance with Austin, yay me.

That day i also carreid Lane around, giving him piggy back rides for like.. three hours.. yea.. ow..
my legs are still sore.

Went to see Easy A
with:
Veronica
Austin
Sam
Bradie
Mariah
Lauren
Kaitlyn
and i think i may be forgetting someone..
but you get the idea
it was a good movie, it kind of reminded me of mine and Veronica's relationship, in a way.
sorta
maybe
ish not really

SO SICK
i may have the flu.
fuck.

I feel nervous, why?

Doctor upped my dosage
i'm up to 30mg or whatever
from 20
from 20$ ish to 91$ ish
scary.

Have to wait for my mom to get me my medicine..
the NEW stuff
the somethingsomething-gas
sounds bad.

MOM NEEDS TO CALL THE COUNSELLOR
OMG
OMG
yea..

Driving through the city to the Temple Station,
Cries into the leather sea,
But Susie knows the baby was a family man,
But the world has got him down on his knees

So she throws him at the wall,
Her kisses burn like fire,
And suddenly he starts to believe,
And he takes her in his arms but he doesnt know why,
But he thinks that he begins to see

She says:
'Dont let go,
Never give up its such a wonderful life,
Dont let go,
Never give up its such a wonderful life'

<3

not even my usual type of music. omg.

SO SICK
OMG

twenty; Wow! It's been forever!

Started high school, not sure if i mentioned that in my last post.

It's pretty great, i guess.

I made a new friend, Austin. He's kinda cute.

SUPER sweet, i wish he could be like, my best friend.

Him and his girlfriend just broke up the other day.

Poor guy.

Hung out with him and Veronica, we went to LaSenza, he didn't care we were looking at bras, he was like.. mesmerized by the colours. Cracked me up.

Counsellor called, which means that i have to actually talk to people about my feelings. Greattt.

Paul's saying he's coming back, lolololol. I know.

I may have a hernia. Good stuff.

Have to go get some tests run, whoo.

I love art class, it's so amazing. The teacher is brilliant.

And he doesn't make it seem like you have to be abrilliant drawer
he gives pointers
he's just

awesome.

Veronica wasn't going to tell me something, but i ended up begging it out of her.

She thought i would hate her.

She told me she hurt herself.

If only she knew that i understood..