Eighty; maybe number five at best

It's been quite awhile since I last posted. Years, even. 

So much has changed. 

Yet so little. 

Nah, actually everything is different. 

It isn't like I have a fan base, so I don't necessarily have to explain. 

I don't even know where to start. 

The heartache I've had since my last post. 

Both from a few guys, or just from missing my dad. 

Today's post though, is a mix of a lot. 

Like how I'm nobody's number one. 

Never have been. 

So why would I ever be. 

I met this guy, nearly exactly a year ago. 

We've slept together a few times, and for some reason I keep expecting more. 

He's told me multiple times not to expect anything. That nothing will happen. 

He's such a great guy. But doesn't want a relationship. 

He's fucked up too many times before. 

Now he's into some other lady. 

Of course. 

Which brings me to my problem. 

My biggest, hardest thing I've had to deal with lately. 

I'm nobody's first thought. 

I'm nobody's number one. 

Nobody actually cares. 

If I were to leave. Who would notice. 

Not being anybody's number one, means they always have someone more important to replace me. 

I'm not the best at anything. 

I'm not the best at making my friends smile. 

Not the best at making them laugh. 

Sometimes...

Actually most times these days,

I wonder what the point is. 

What's keeping me alive is my mom not being able to afford my funeral. 

Or be able to afford to live without me in general, ya know, since I pay a bit of the bills. 

I'm going to ask my psych to get me another counsellor. 

One I like this time. 

I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. 

Where do you go with that. 

Just knock me out. Go into acoma.

I'm lost. Where do I go and what do I do. 

Eighty; maybe number five at best

It's been quite awhile since I last posted. Years, even. 

So much has changed. 

Yet so little. 

Nah, actually everything is different. 

It isn't like I have a fan base, so I don't necessarily have to explain. 

I don't even know where to start. 

The heartache I've had since my last post. 

Both from a few guys, or just from missing my dad. 

Today's post though, is a mix of a lot. 

Like how I'm nobody's number one. 

Never have been. 

So why would I ever be. 

I met this guy, nearly exactly a year ago. 

We've slept together a few times, and for some reason I keep expecting more. 

He's told me multiple times not to expect anything. That nothing will happen. 

He's such a great guy. But doesn't want a relationship. 

He's fucked up too many times before. 

Now he's into some other lady. 

Of course. 

Which brings me to my problem. 

My biggest, hardest thing I've had to deal with lately. 

I'm nobody's first thought. 

I'm nobody's number one. 

Nobody actually cares. 

If I were to leave. Who would notice. 

Not being anybody's number one, means they always have someone more important to replace me. 

I'm not the best at anything. 

I'm not the best at making my friends smile. 

Not the best at making them laugh. 

Sometimes...

Actually most times these days,

I wonder what the point is. 

What's keeping me alive is my mom not being able to afford my funeral. 

Or be able to afford to live without me in general, ya know, since I pay a bit of the bills. 

I'm going to ask my psych to get me another counsellor. 

One I like this time. 

I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. 

Where do you go with that. 

Just knock me out. Go into acoma.

I'm lost. Where do I go and what do I do. 

Seventy nine; just breathe.

Thank you Ryan Star. I'm trying my best to take those words to heart.

Same exact day as last year, my anxiety hit. A week before my mom's birthday. It's different this time. So different.
My doctor referred me to go see Scott, my counsellor again. I'm also on the list to go see a psychiatrist.

I missed school.. Talked to the school counsellor about everything and he talked to my teachers. I'm freaking out. This is the first time I've been home alone and actually.. Had a problem with it.
My stomach is in knots, my heart is in my throat, trying to jump out and I keep randomly tearing up and crying the odd time.
I just want my mom to get home and to hold me. I'm 18 and I want my mommy. How pathetic.

Anyway, yesterday when I went and talked to my school counselor I stopped in to talk to me photography teacher, mrs Hayes, who has known about everything since the beginning. She went to the counselor with me.. And figuratively held my hand the whole time. After that I went back to her class and she stayed and talked to me for two hours after school. I don't think she knows how much that meant to me. It really helped.

How rude of me..
Happy birthday, dad. I miss you. I even had a glass of Pepsi for you. And chocolate pudding. I love you daddy.

And here's a little rant for you, dad.

Why did you leave me like that. Why didn't you leave me anything saying you loved me. Or that you regretted anything.. I just don't know. I just want to know you're proud of me and happy and love me. Why didn't you leave me with anything to know you love me. I don't even have a birthday card saying 'love dad'. Do you know how much that hurts? I have no proof you loved me. And I'm questioning it everyday that you're gone. Deep down I know you cared.. But I'm just so torn. I just need you. I want to know that you love me. It's just do hard. I really need you right now, daddy. Why can't this all be a lie. Please show up at grad, daddy. Please. You never have to talk to me again. Just show up for that day. Please. I just want to know you're alive and know what's going on. I know your ashes are in my room, but daddy. Please. Tell me it's all a lie.

The tears won't stop falling. And I don't know if I want them to. I just can't do this. It's getting so hard. I don't even know what to say. I'm afraid Corban and/or Breanna are going to get home and see me like this. But I don't want to go to my room and leave my dogs.. Or stop watching Brideday.


Au milieu de l'hiver j'ai découvert en moi un été invincible. But it's beginning to get harder an harder to find that invincible summer. I just need a little help. Just a bit.

Seventy Eight; welcome to the world

January 31st, 7:36pm. 21inches, 8lbs 9oz.
Parker Mason Townsend was born.

I have so much I want to say to you, Parker. But I don't know where to start. I haven't met you, and probably won't for awhile.. But I love you. I love you more than you know. I'm sorry I won't be there all the time to see you grow up, I'm sorry we probably won't get to be very close. But I do love you, and I'm going to try my best to see you whenever I can.

When your dad told me that your mom was pregnant, I was going through a very rough part of my life. And when I found out you would be born, I found another reason to keep on trying. Even though you're around 20hours away, you're still a reason for me to wake up with a smile on my face. I've never been more excited for the future.

I wish your grandad could be here, I wish he could see you. I'm sure you would love him, he was great. I actually had a dream of him the morning your mom's water broke. He wouldn't stop talking, and seemed VERY excited. It was a tough dream at first, but once your grandma told me that you were going to be born, it all made sense.

I'm so excited for your first Easter, Christmas, Halloween. Your first day of school, your graduation day. I'll try my best to be there to see you graduate and walk across that stage. I wish I could be there to hear you laugh, to do that baby babble all babies do... I wish I could curl up with you and watch a movie. Or even just tell you about your grandad.

I love you, Parker. And don't you forget it.

Seventy seven; as always.

Where to be begin..
With 'if I wasn't always right, maybe I wouldn't think this way' or with how I want to hurt myself OR about Sam?
Well, lets go with hurting myself. Then to Sam and so on and so forth.


So..
Is it bad that I imagine cutting? That I crave the bite of something sharp against my skin? Craving the Scarlet line of blood?
Probably.
But I can't bring myself to do it. Which is probably good.. But do I ever want to.
I gained weight. Five pounds. I got down to 137 ish and now I'm 141. Hey fatty, what's up?
Oh nothing. I'll just got be ugly forever. What would it matter? I'll be alone anyone. Who could possibly want me for the rest of their lives. No one. Why? 'Cause I'm one of those people that everyone puts up with. Whatever. I'll be a crazy cat lady or something.

Speaking of being alone.. This is sorta ish relevant ish.
So, I posted on Sam's wall on Facebook, being how we normally are to each other. She took it to heart and got kinda mad at me.
Whatever. Talked to Rob and Trish, apparently she's taking everything to heart. They told me to call her. So I texted her asking to FaceTime 'I can't for three weeks'. You can't squeeze me in for five minutes? K.
Whatever. Just whatever.
I'm done putting in effort.
I'm done with no one caring.

Then, people get mad at me 'cause... Well.. Plenty of reasons. I'm by no means perfect. But I keep guessing things and they always happen. Like people leaving me.. Am I pushing them away by trying to get closer? I don't know.

I'm really afraid I'll be alone forever. That's the last thing I could ever want.

Found out my nephew is due to be born on the 3rd of February. His name will be Parker Mason. Not sure how I feel about the name, but whatever. I hope he loves me. He's part of the only reason I'm still going. I want to meet him.. To love him.. To be a part of his life.

I'm just tired.
I don't want to try anymore.
I'm done fighting off the depression, the anxiety.
Why can't it just come full force again so I can drown in it.

I'm so whiney. It's a temporary problem.. But it sure doesn't feel like it.

Also side note: got my belly button pierced on Monday. I know. Yuck.

Seventy six; feeling kinda indifferent.

Told someone how I felt.
Kinda.
Feelings weren't exactly returned I guess.
Hurt more than I expected.
Whatever. I'll just.. Whatever.
I wish I knew exactly how he felt about me.
But I won't.. Whatever.
He'll leave. They always do.

I'm so.. Blah.
I'm tired.
Kind of happy.
But more upset.
I miss people.
I hate people.
I'm just kind of lost.
I need something to do.

Kaitlyn and I are going to the hockey game tonight. Should be good. I hope.

ManWoman was given two weeks to three months to live. The thought of us losing such an amazing artist.. Is crazy.

I'm so selfish.
Annoying.
Stupid.
Dumb.
I should just shut up and leave.
Go somewhere.. I don't know where. But somewhere.

Seventy five; I have a bad feeling..

About what?
I don't know.
I just couldn't sleep last night, I've been up completely since around 8. My heart is racing, and something is telling me something happened.
I don't know what, but there's something.
I'm stressing out.
Just laying here in bed, my stomach in knots, my heart racing. What's happening. What happened to who.
I just hope it isn't Kyle. Since he was having a real rough night last night. I really, really hope he's ok.

Well, Kaitlyn and I are going to hang out today, then go to the hockey game. She wants to look at phones and stuff. Should hopefully be fun.
Hopefully. Maybe I can shake this feeling.

School is alright. Very school like.
Um, life is life like.
Might have found some jewelry for prom. That's exciting.

Ohhhhhh here we go.

Seventy four; told ya so

I already know what is going to happen. We'll talk all day everyday, then slowly.. You'll stop responding. I'll be surprised if we're still talking by the time my birthday comes around.

I feel oddly replaceable.
Like I'm bring toyed with.
But what's new..
I'm such a 6.
(For those of you wondering, I'm referring to the enneagram which is a personality.. Test, shall we say, that was created by Carl Jung. I love it. It fascinates me).
I don't trust anyone. I don't trust what they say. I think they're just ducking with me.
Such a 6.
Then I'm worrying, digging my heels in against authority.. But wishing for more security.

Whatever.
This is nothing new.
I'm just being melodramatic.
Just like every other teenager out there. Not surprised.
Ugh.

School tomorrow. Would rather not go.
What can ya do.
I'm spoiled. There are kids who would love to be going to school.. And I'm just complaining.

Seventy three; a sad numb.

I feel numb, but.. Sad.
I'm not happy.
Just lost.
Very lost.

I'm awaiting grad. That'll be emotional without my dad.
I've been watching Long Island medium, been making me think of my dad.
How things will be different for us.
It's.. Different.

I found out, on Tuesday, that I'm going to be an aunty on February. Chad texted me saying they were having a little boy. I'm so excited.
I'm excited but I probably won't be able to meet him for a very, very long time.

Still lost.

Seventy two; a welcome feeling.

The anxiety is creeping up again. So is the depression. I'm sitting in class, looking for all the exits even though I know nothing is going to happen.
I'm looking at the clock, fidgeting anxiously waiting for the bell to go so i can go to my next class.
I'm nearly happy to feel this familiar feeling. It's easier this way. Nothing can hurt me, I'm already as low as I can get. I don't know if I even want to be happy. I just crash anyway.
I've been going up and hiding in my room again.
Cowering away. Waiting.
My heart keeps racing.
I can't stand still.
I've been catching myself rocking from foot to foot.
Right now my heart is in my throat.
I've only just gotten out of the shower, gotten my outfit for tomorrow ready, and laid down, nearly ready for bed.
Yet, I'm waiting.
I don't want to go to school. I'm having problems finding motivation.
It's starting so soon.
Why don't I want to be happy?
I can't be helped if I don't want it.
I'm so confused.
Take these feelings away, no, let them stay. I don't know.

Seventy one; I think..

I'm bipolar.
I don't mean that in the "Ahahaha. Teenaged pms! Ahahaha".
I mean legitimately bipolar. I looked it up.. And if just seems to make sense. I've been reading alllll about it on the Internet. I know that isn't for sure or anything. But it makes sense.

I'm also pretty sure I may like someone more than I thought. I dislike that.

We might get Sky in the spring. Sandy is moving and may not be able to take her with. And she knows we love her and will take good care of her.

I'm so lost right now.

Seventy; is it bad...

That I miss the anxiety? The depression? The longing to feel normal?
I go through moments where i'm just.. So sad. Or I feel like i'm going to have an anxiety attack. But when those moments go, I feel empty. I don't know how to feel, or anything.

I just miss the loneliness, being able to stay home and hide in my room.
I don't know.
I don't get it.

I just don't feel right.

Sixty nine; little late.

So I figured I would tell you guys I got my prom dress. I got it on like.. Theee.. 1st or so. I love it. So much. I got it at the local dress shop here. I'm so excited for prom now.

I took my medicine, but then I took two midol. big mistake. Knocked me out for a few hours.

I'm not sure how I feel.
I had a dream about my dad last night.. Then today I was talking to my mom about this girl and how she is with the dad of her kid (who she is no longer with). My mom said the only reason she would have divorced my dad would have been for a reason that made it so he could never see us again. That caused a pang of hope.
I'm still in denial. I'm not sure how to come to terms with this. At has been 8 years.. How can I not.. I don't know. Anyone have any tips?

On the 28th, when I went and looked at dresses with Kaitlyn for prom, we went to the cancer ward afterwards. I kinda felt like it was.. A sign. Maybe. From my dad. Probably not.. But I like to think so.

I miss his voice. So much.
Ugh.

I'm so, blah. Not happy, not sad, but kinda.. Numb.
I don't know why. I was doing so well. Now I'm just so.. Iffy.

On the 17th I go for my L test. Then everyone can lay off my ass about it. That's exciting.

I'm tired.
I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Sixty eight; while my guitar gently weeps

No matter how much I cry.
How much I beg.
How much I pray.
How much I plead.
He isn't coming back.

No matter how much I want him
How much I need him
How much I miss him
How much I deserve him.
He isn't coming back.

I believe he can.
Maybe he can't.
But I believe he can.
I hope he can.
I wish he can.
Why can't it all be a lie.
Why can't everything be a lie.
Why can't the last eight years not be true.

I just want my dad.
I just miss my dad.
I deserve a dad in my life.
I want my dad back.
I feel empty without him.
I need him.

Daddy..
I can't stop crying.
I just randomly started to think about if you were to come back saying you had no choice. That you're back now.
I want to feel your arms around me.
I need a hug.
A really long hug.
Daddy. Please.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I need you.
Daddy, please. Please please.

Are you proud of me?
What should I change?
What should I never change?
Do you approve?
What do you think of me?
I just want to know that you are out there somewhere.
I just want to know you still love me.
I want to know you still remember me.
Can you hear any of this?
Can you see it?

I don't know what I believe anymore, daddy.
But god damn do I hope there's an afterlife. I hope I can see you. I hope you can hug me. I hope you know how much I miss you.

The tears won't stop.
The years won't go by faster.
I miss you more everyday.
What can I do?
I love mom. I'm so so glad we have her.
But daddy..

I've come to terms you won't walk me down the isle, you won't be there for grad, we won't have a father daughter dance. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to.
I just want your arms around me.
I want to fight.
I want to laugh.
I want to smile.
I want to be with you.

I know it all sounds so bad. But I just want to curl up on the couch and watch wrestling or train 48 with you again. I want you to get mad at me for my smartass comments.
I want you to tell you everything. I want to cry as we have a father daughter bonding moment. I want you to hold me while you plot the demise of the boy who broke my heart.
I just want those experiences.
Please daddy. Please.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I just sit here wondering what it would have been like if you were here.
What would be different.
Who would I be.
What would I be.
How would I change?
Daddy..
Oh daddy.

I know you always hated it when we cried. But dad, I can't bear it. I really need you. One last hug. One last goodbye. One last I love you. One last I'm proud of you. Just one last.. Everything.


I want a tattoo. Or three dedicated to you, at least. I want to explain to people what they mean, how much you meant to me.

I don't know I can sleep, but I'm going to try.
Rest easy, dad.
I love you more than ever thought possible.
Oh daddy.. Please make it an eight year long lie. I miss you.

Sixty Seven; wow.

This song.. speaks to me.. so much
if you really want to understand me, i highly recommend watching that video. It's my life from February, when things first started going downhill, until June, when they started to show a glimpse of hope.
I really.. can't explain how crazy this is to me. I have never related to much to a song.
i just want to keep listening since all the words.. seem to fit so.. perfectly.

pretty much decided I'm going to be alone forever.
i know I'm young.
i know i have time.
but.. i just.. it doesn't seem like it's going to happen.
so whatever, I'll stop trying.
I won't, but I'm saying that now out of spite.

I REALLY need a job.
I REALLY want this camera.. it's a beauty. Nikon D7000 or something would be dandy..hot damn.
that's one sexy piece of camera.
must have.

I have so many ideas for photography.
I can't do any of them.
Well, some, but not enough.

WHATEVER SUCH AS LIFE I'LL FIND A WAY

I'm not used to being the one convincing someone they're worth something.
now i see why everyone gave up on me
But I'm not going to give up, it hurts too much.
i want people to know that they matter.
They're more than they think.
I just wish they could believe me when i tell them

Sixty six; fuck you.

God damn. Use me more why don't you.
Let's only talk to me for nudes or something. Yea. Cool. Fucking asshole.
I wasn't expecting for that to hurt so much. I mean, you'd talk to me about everything.. Get close then stop talking to me and only talk to me when you want nudes. Now you ask me to Skype while I masturbate? Lmao. Funny. I'm not some whore. I don't cam with anyone doing those things. Fuck. You.

Ugh. It hurts. I'm so pissed. I can't rant to my mom, 'cause.. Well yea.
Fuck sake.
I'm done. Fucking done

Screw this. I hate men. Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
DONE
I wish. It still hurts. I'm not over it.
Ugghhhh


Whatever. Just whatever.

sixty five; i think that's the right number..

I'm kind of lost.
I kind of hate myself.
Part of me really.. doesn't understand what's going on.

I'm jealous of a ten year old.
My mom doesn't want to let her use make up for a very long time, she's afraid that it will just enhance her beauty. She's already curvy, very pretty.. I constantly get reminded of it.
No one ever called me cute, never mind beautiful.
I've never been attractive. I've never felt like i was a truly beautiful, intelligent woman.

I feel more like a fish out of water.
I'm by no means the proper weight. Diets suck.
I want to give up. I'd rather be anorexic, but it doesn't work for me.
I can't not eat.. unless other things happen. I need a trigger.

Why couldn't i get the attractive, skinny genes?
No, i had to get the fat ass ugly genes.
Guarantee Breanna will have no problems getting a boyfriend.
I can't even get a guy to tell me the time of day.
Whatever.

i think i'm doing better.
But.. i don't want to be?
is that bad?
I'd rather just go back to bed and hate life.
I have nothing to live for right now, anyway.
What can i do? nothing.
My friends say they want to hang out, but never do.
I have no job, i'm pretty much just a pain and expensive.

I figured out what i want to do for college.
Go and get my Human Service Worker diploma, i'll be able to do anything i want to after that.
Social worker, youth worker, corrections worker, addictions worker, all that.
That's what's keeping me going.

Got paid for the photography.
Published and paid photographer now, cool.

might be getting a job at Walmart again.

Prozac is up to.. 60 i think. Top dose he'd ever give out being 80. If i have to go up, that'll be me.
Wow.
so expensive. nearly 100$ for my drugs a month..

i don't know what's wrong. i'm just so..
blah.


I think Britt is still anorexic. Looking at videos on YouTube and so many of those stomachs look like her.. concave.. skinny.. not right.
Oh man, this just.. wow.

i'm so lost.
i don't know what to do.
i'm too happy,
but not happy enough.
i'm just so.. in the middle.
i'll have to deal with it.

Could be worse.

Sixty four; more random ramblings

How many girls hear the same speech I receive. How many get told they're amazing, lovable, great, the best or that they're even loves. How many are getting the same speech as me. How many are using me. And others. I don't know. I don't want to know. It just scares me. Kinda upsets me. Makes me lose hope. Whatever.

I'm officially a published photographer. That was probably one of the most pain in the ass jobs I've had. Not because of the work, but my boss and girl I worked with. It sucked.
Such as life. Ya have to deal with people you don't like.

I'm tired. Really tired
And burnt.
Went to the lake with Kaitlyn, Brittany and Sam today. It was fun I guess. I felt fat. But that's ok. It's only the truth

I should sleep.
I think I'll sleep all day tomorrow.
Sounds fun.
Yea..

Sixty three; bunch of rambling.

I just want to get my thoughts out.

Things aren't going well for me.
I can feel the depression coming back.
I just want to sleep.
Curl up in a ball and die even.
There's so much I want to accomplish but.. It doesn't matter.
I hurt.
I'm jealous.
I'm possessive.
I can't trust.
It hurts.

I open up and get a good response, but then I learn the truth.
I feel like a piece of meat. All anybody could ever want from me is some pictures or sex. And that's saying something considering how ugly I am. What a horrible body I have. I hate myself. I wish I wasn't me.

Speaking of bodies, britt has gotten to be a stick again. She has no curves normally. But now she's do skinny her sides are sucked in, her stomach is practically concave, her hips protrude like no other. Her spine and ribs show. You can pretty much see her organs through her skin.

I wish I had the will power to be anorexic like she does.. I don't want to be that scary thin or anything. But man.

LaSenza is closing. Ughhh. Now where am I suppose to get bras for my fucked up boobs. Whatever.

Might have a job. I don't want to fuck up. Whatever.

I feel whiney. It could be worse. I wish it was worse. I wish I had a reason to feel like shit.
What's my excuse? My dad died. Boo hoo. Nearly eight fucking years ago. My mom married a man I hated. He hardly did anything. Yet I find myself with less and less trust for men.

I want to cry. But then I want to hit myself for being so dumb. I have no problems. Screw that.
Ugh.
What can I do..
I find no pleasure in anything anymore.
I just want to be happy.
Or to die.
Whatever.

That's life.. I'll grow out of it I'm sure.

Sixty two; crashing.

I don't know. I'm back to spending all my time in my room. Isolating myself.
I'm not even really eating again.
Which is great for weight loss. But eh.

I was bad.
(possible tmi. But no one but my mom knows and I have to air it)
I have my first yeast infection.
I didn't go to the doctor.. I know. Dumb.
But I'm 149075% positive that's what it is. I start the medicine tonight.

School is over next week. Monday and Tuesday are finals. The 21st in my provincial. THEN on the 24th is the Beatles impersonator concert. Do excited.

Silly nice guys and living so far away. I mean, who needs guy in my actual country?
Apparently not me. Damn living in the age of technology. It's curse and a blessing.

I'm lonely. So I decided to isolate myself more. Meh.
I feel fat and ugly.
I'll pretty much stop eating.

Ugh. I'm such a whiney teen. I should grow up. Smell the roses.

So I found this app, lockerz. It's cool. I've found some pretty cool stuff on there. I wish I could pull off the hair/clothes. And I wish I had the money.
But eh. Whatever.

Soo.. 5th day of talking to a certain fellow. Who lives in damn Georgia. Fuck. whatever.
Better than no one.

Yep. Back to my lonely shower.
Maybe I'll feel better later.