Fifty nine; it's not like I do it on purpose..

My mom is mad at me.
Why?
Because once again I have to stay home.
I texted her this morning asking if I could stay home, she said no and that I had to at least try.
I go downstairs, in tears. I can't go to school like that.
And all she says is "fuck, fine stay home. But no hiding upstairs you have to stay down here and keep the dog company. "
I'm sorry that I have problems.
I'm sorry that school is being effected by it.
I'm sorry I can't help it.
I'm sorry I need to go see a counselor again..
I'm sorry.. It isn't my fault.
I didn't want it.
I want to go to school.
I want to see my friends.
I want my only worries to be about tests.
I'M SORRYYY!
But whatever.
My friends are already mad at me for missing so much, why can't my family be too?
Why not make it a big thing of "Hate On Meranda"
Sounds like it has already started.

So where am I right now?
Upstairs. In my room.
I don't want to be down there.
I just want to lay in bed and cry.
I don't want to lay downstairs and watch tv with my dog.
I love her, a lot. But I really want to be myself.

I'm sorry...

Fifty eight; Rod Stewart.

I woke up to hearing my grandma and mom bickering about something to do with sandwiches. I crawled out of bed and went to see what was up. They instantly stopped arguing.

Time passed, I can't tell you what happened.
I was told to go get dressed, I found my itchy plaid dress. I picked it up, put it on and said that my dad always liked it when I wore that dress.
I don't remember much else between then and the limo coming to pick us up. I remember or was a rather awkward ride.
Then when we got to the funeral home everyone got out and my nana told me to go before her, I couldn't as she was sitting on one of the ties of my dress. Being a shy kid I didn't tell her and she realized what happened. She laughed and apologized, telling me I could get out now.

I don't remember going in. I remember sitting on Kelly's lap or someone's lap just talking. People came over and said their condolences, but I really didn't understand. Soon my mom came back into the room, I didn't notice that she left, saying that it was time. She grabbed my grandma and left, everyone in the room followed suit. My brother and I stuck with Aunty Jean and Kelly.

When we went to sit, I saw Haley, she was my best friend at the time. She was crying and lifted her wrist, showing that she was wearing a bracelet I made her. I later found out her grandma had to take her 'cause her mom didn't want to ruin the Christmas mood. The funeral was the 23rd of December.

The funeral started. I didn't cry. I didn't understand. I sat beside Kelly. I would periodically look up to see him crying. I've never seen him cry before that, and I haven't seen him cry since then.
That made me realize something was up. I didn't cry unless I looked at my dad's ashes and his picture. That was the only time. Kelly had to get up to take my dad's ashes out as he was.. Oh I can't remember the word. They carry the coffin, or in this case, my dad's ashes out of the funeral home. I didn't want him to go. Kelly was my rock. But I had to.

After the funeral we took the limo back. I'm not sure of we went to my aunty Joyce's or our house first. I just know we ended up at her house at some point. I remember getting there asking everyone of they'd seen Haley. I found mostly everyone else from school, friends, teachers, but no Haley.
Soon, I found her and her and I sat there eating our fruit, grapes mostly, when my uncle BIll came up and started bugging us.

Before the funeral, my aunty asked us what we would like to say about our dad, as she was doing the speech.
I remember saying that he was a pain in the butt sometimes but it was ok. I remember being shocked when in her speech she said ass instead of butt. I didn't want anyone thinking I was a bad kid for swearing.

As for Rod Stewart, that was the cd we came in to, and the one that played throughout the funeral. That cd still brings tears to my mom's eyes.
There's one song, I don't remember the name.. But it involved a sexually transmitted infection.. Clap or something. The lyrics go something like "rock your socks off baby"
That caused a few giggles from my nana and mom. A comic relief that they needed. My mom could only remember that he wanted forever young to be played. Funerals are a stressful time, I recommend writing down the person's wishes. Chances are, you won't remember when the time comes.

Ummm. Yea. I think that's about all I can remember. But I'm tired. And I'll make another post explaining some other stuff about today.

Fifty seven; "I can't come back"

At around 12:04 (I do believe it was then. It was at 12:something anyway) december 19th 2004 my father passed away with my aunty by his side.

I went to bed like any other night. And some people may think I made this up, or that I'm crazy but I had this dream.
My dad had full facial hair, like he liked but my mom never allowed him to have, and he was wearing his favorite outfit. Or at least an outfit he wore a lot.
He sat in his corner on the couch, and I kneeled infront of him, my chin on his knee. He told me that he had to go, and he couldn't come back. I asked him why, he said he just couldn't. I remember crying in my dream. And that's about it.
I then woke up and my uncle Odd was standing in the doorway he said "I'm sorry" and I had no idea why. It never seemed odd that he was there, it just struck me as weird because he was apologizing. Was he apologizing for waking me up or what? To this day I don't know for sure. All I know is that I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

The next day, we got up as usual. I don't remember much of that morning. All I remember is watching Lilo and Stitch. We got to the part where Lilo's big sister was rushing back to the house, because of the fire and the agents. My aunty and nana walked in then, my aunty knelt in front of me and started to rub my foot. They told us that our dad was dead. I don't remember what they said or how we reacted, I just remember thinking that they should go away so we could continue watching our movie.
I don't think we ever did.

I went into the kitchen, where my mom and aunt were. My aunt asked if I wanted to go with her to get my dad's stuff from the hospital. I agreed.
I went to go get my shoes and people started to show up at our door. Ladies my dad worked with brought us food and blankets. We all got our own blanket. More and more people showed up and gave us food. We had enough crackers to last us nearly three years.

Anyway, my aunty and I started to drive to the hospital. I don't remember if we talked. I don't remember anything until we got up to the cancer ward and I looked into the room my dad was staying in. I expected him to be there. He wasn't. The bed was made.. And there was no sign of him. The nurses gave us their condolences and passed us my dad's brown toiletry bag and his little Christmas tree my mom's cousin,who my dad also really got along with, gave him. I thought it was some sick joke. I honestly believed, for many years afterwards that he would still come home. That this was all a lie.
But we got his stuff, and we left. We drove half way home and my aunty pulled over to the side of the road by a park and said that when we were driving we couldn't really talk. So now we could. I remember getting really hot, probably because the heated seats were on and the heat was blasting.. And not saying much. My aunty says I cried a lot, and got mad. Asking why this happened, what we did that was so bad, and how I could get him back. I also apparently told her about my dream. Lots was said, but I don't remember much.
We got home, and there were so many people. So much food and it was just so odd.

I know my grandma came down sometime soon after that. We kids weren't too pleased. I don't remember how those days went.
I remember going to buy groceries for the funeral. We bought a lot of fruit.. A watermelon. And other foods.
We were driving back, sitting on a turkey with blankets over it, when my mom saw people smoking. She started to cry and say that it was because of that habit that she lost her husband and Was buying all this food.

Those few days went by like a blur. I don't remember much else.

Ok, so I lied. This will be in THREE parts!
I'm way too tired and have school in the morning..
So tomorrow I'll write about his funeral.
And Christmas maybe too.

Again, if this doesn't make much sense.. I'm sorry. I'm on my iPod and I'm just kind of jotting down the memories before they leave me.
Needless to say, I'm not exactly emotionally stable right now either so this is kind of.. Part of my way of venting. So it is bound to be scattered.

Fifty six; the last time I saw my dad.

Well I was showering today I realized that I can't fully remember the last time I saw my dad, the night he died or the day I found out. So I decided, that before I forget more, I'd write it down. And what better place than the Internet? I want people to have an insight to what it was like for me being ten and losing my father.

This could possibly be part one of two, or I may put it all into this one post.
We shall see how tired I get.

Little bit of background before I start;
When I was in.. I do believe first grade, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was given three years. I didn't know this at the time, but who would tell a six year old that in three years they'd lose their dad?
Anyway, slowly but surely my dad deteriorated. I watch him go from fully mobile, healthy and happy to upset and paralyzed pretty much from the neck down with very little use of his hands. We had a hospital bed in our living room and nurses would come over everyday to help take care of him.

One morning, while getting ready for school, some paramedics came and took my dad, bed and all, out to the ambulance. I didn't even say goodbye.
I felt guilty, he hang his little bell, a sign that he was going to throw up so we were suppose to run over with a bucket for him. I didn't. I just stood there, and he threw up all over his front. He threw up blood. I felt horrible and my mom wasn't exactly the most pleased with me either.
Anyway, I never said goodbye and went to school as usual. As far as I can remember, I never went back.

As it turns out, the cancer was pushing on his spine, pushing into his brain. They wouldn't let him go home. He had to stay in the hospital. I don't remember much from then on, like how my days went. I'm pretty sure we spent most of those days at my aunty Jean and Kelly's house. I remember our counselor coming over with an envelope filled with letters from our classmates, sending their condolences. Not like they really understood what was going on or anything.
That was nice of them though. I didn't understand what was going on really.. I didn't know my dad was dying and wasn't going to be coming back.
I know that our nights were spent at Jean and Kelly's. I remember sitting on the couch, staring out the window hoping that ever set of headlights I saw would be my mom's so we could go home. One of those nights, Kelly wasn't feeling too good so he was walking around with a blanket around his shoulders. He came over and put his arm around me, and we just sat there. I can't tell you when he left, or of he did. I just know we sat there in silence.

This all happened in the winter, so I have no idea what time this happened.. I just no it was dark out. But our mom came over and asked of we wanted to go see out dad. Of course we did.
So we went. We walked into the corner room, closest to the nurses station, and there he was. Laying there. Helpless. I got really hot.. And I think I started to cry. A nurse came in and asked if we wanted popsicles, being kids we agreed. I got my favorite kind, orange. But I was crying too hard to really eat it. I remember being horrified at the fact that a nurse had to come in and suck out all the spit from my dad's mouth.. That he hardly had any idea we were there. His kids. We were told to kiss our dad goodbye and to go into the hall. My dad's coworker, Guy, came in and talked for a little while and I kinda just stood there, getting progressively more annoyed by the little girl singing happy Christmas songs in the hall. During that time Guy left to go sit in the hall, on a chair outside my dad's room. I sat next to him in another chair, I looked over.. And saw something I don't think I'll ever forget.
He put his face in his hands, and a tear fell. The Christmas lights from the tree in the hall glistened off of it. And it slowly fell from his face as he stiffed a sob. After watching him for a bit, I got up. I got up and started to pace. I just walked. I didn't know what to think of all of this. There's my dad, and all these other adults who are suppose to be strong, crying. What did it all mean?
When I heard my mom say "we have to go. You're scaring the kids" "oh god, please no!"
That was probably the most.. Horrendous thing I heard. What felt like seconds afterwords I was being shuffled to the elevator to leave.
I remember getting into the car, putting my head on the window and just sitting there. Staring at the moon. Asking god to keep my dad safe.

After that, I don't know if it was that day that I broke down in the bathroom, praying that my dad would be ok, praying he'd come home. Or if that was another day. But I do remember being kind of in a daze. And my mom was on the phone talking to my grandma in the kitchen, and I walked in, leaned against the cupboard and slid down. I broke into tears. My mom hung up and counseled me.

I have no idea how long my dad was in the hospital for.. But I know it felt like months.


I'm sorry if that's really incoherent, I've been kind of blubbering like a baby while writing this. It's kind of.. Hard to remember it all. But I really need to get this all out there.
I'll post the second part. About the night he died and such later.
Right now I just need to go blow my nose and take a breather, haha.

Fifty five; day three..

Day three of not hearing from Tyler. I'm going to take that as a "we're over". That's what I'm taking it as unless he comes back with a perfectly legit reason for disappearing.

On a happier note.. We bought some great red nail polish. It's a beautiful colour. I'm so happy we finally got a nice red. Kind of an apple red. Toes and fingers be painted!

We also bought a new computer chair for Corban, and we did a dump run. So we dumped a whole bunch of stuff. I think I should probably finish cleaning my room sometime.. But I don't want to be at home. I want to be out, I want to be distracted. I don't want to be left with my thoughts.

I'm looking into trucks on kijiji. I'm looking at prices and trying to figure out what I do and don't want. It's fun. It's a good distraction.

so Brittany got a boyfriend, Marshall. She pretty much has ditched us for him. Said she'd rather be with him 'cause he is the best person ever and such. Ohhhh.. Teenagers.

Boring days, boring days.

Fifty four; I'm astoundingly selfish.

A lot has happened since my last post. Internet guy disappeared. But that was ok since my other long time Internet crush came back, Tyler. We would Skype practically everyday. We would talk everyday. But now he's kinda been ignoring me. Which really worries me. So I sent him a message that probably makes me look like an over sensitive female. I keep imagining him telling me it's all in my head and that he does care.. But then I want to slap myself for getting my own hopes up. Damn. This is why I try not to care too much about People. They just throw it right back in your face. I don't like feeling the burn of a loss. I don't like the thought of being hurt again. But who does?I don't know.

My anxiety made me miss nearly 2months of school. I have no desire to catch up.. I don't feel like I'm worth it. I'm not smart enough, I don't deserve my teachers help. Mrs Hayes and Ms LeGrandeur were both too nice and understanding. I don't deserve it. They should just tell me to suck it up and move on. I'm a teenager, what kind of problems do I have? Nothing. I'm just selfish. I don't deserve their kindness. I don't deserve anything. I hate myself. I feel so depressed. I want to change myself. Lose weight, become desirable. Become worthy. But why bother? I'm not worth it.

When I was put on Prozac I was put on 10mg to start with. Now I'm up to 40mg. The top dose is 60. My doctor said that if he has to bump up my dosage one more time he was going to refer me to a counsellor. Again.
But why do that? There's so many people who need it more than me.
I'm just an over sensitive kid. All I do is whine. I don't want to waste more of their time. I really don't. I'm not that selfish.

I don't deserve anything good.
I don't deserve to be loved, the one thing I want most in life.
I don't deserve to be happy. I have no desire to be happy.
I do deserve to be ugly, like I already am.
I deserve the fact that I'm overweight and I can't lose weight unless I stop eating.
Maybe I should stop eating and just become scary skinny.
Yea right.

I don't want to be here.
I need some comfort.
That's all I want.
But I have no one to talk to.
My friends don't care, and I couldn't tell them anyway.
I could tell my mom.. But.. She'd blame the medicine.
Little does she know that this has been going on for longer than that.
I'll just be a whiney teenager here and make you poor souls put up with me.
Maybe I'll just stay in my room until I have to leave..
No one should have to see me.

I got some blood tests done, and now I go for an ultra sound. Woooo.. Gull bladder problems acting up again! Wooo! I feel bad, people need these tests more than me.

I feel so selfish.
Here I am, mostly fine an healthy but I don't want to be here.
Death seems kinda nice.
But then I have a funeral of a man who did not wish to die to go to on Friday.
There are so many people, who don't want to die but do.
Like my dad.
Then there's me, I have a "whole life ahead of me" but I don't really have any desire to see it.
Why should I? I'm sure it's just full of pain.
That's it.

I was finally smart enough and got the blogger app for my iPod instead of just going on safari and such on here.
Took me long enough.
Maybe now I'll post more.
It's easier and it feels good to rant.
Putting it somewhere that people can read is so much more.. Relaxing than writing a diary. No one would read that.
Here, there's a chance. Someone might see something and might actually have some advice.

I think I'm nearly out of tears now.
I can't believe I let one boy have such an effect. A dominos effect even.
From freaking out about possibly losing the guy I really think I love.. More than any other guy to realizing I'm worthless and not worth anyway.

I'm sorry. Really.

Fifty three; first post made with my iPod!

Let's see how this goes.

So I never actually thought people read this thing. So when I was told to check my comments to watch out for spam and such, I decided to check. I didn't think people actually read and commented on this. Oh goodness, how embarrassing! But still kind of nice to see that there are people out there who care.

I'll probably forget that people read this and won't start filtering my thoughts. But this one suddenly lost a whole heck of a lot of content..

Um..

Right. So.

Last Sunday or so mom and I walked in on Corban and his girlfriend.. Doing things on the couch. My brother is a man. And I couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the night, at his expense.

As i think I said in my last post, my anxiety was getting really bad. I missed nearly a whole week of school. It wasn't good. So mom took me to the doctors, my panic attacks were starting to scare her. He made me take a few tests, since apparently anxiety and depression can go hand in hand. The tests were "in the passed two weeks have you...." then rare them out of four. Four being the highest (happened a lot).

Obviously I couldn't be 100% honest about it since my mom was sitting right beside me. But I tried to be. I was put in the "mildly - moderately depressed" section. Which I wouldn't disagree with.

He put me on Prozac. The one drug my mom didn't want me on. She knew too many people who went.. Completely different when they were on it.

So far so good.

Back to my problem with Internet guys..

I met yet another. BUT this one is four hours away. And I visit there at least once a year.

I mentioned that we were heading down this spring break and he asked if he would be getting a visit. I was flattered he that he actually wanted one! (I asked. I didn't just infer). But I said no, I mean he's off the Internet and we just started talking. We shall see how badly this will kill my self esteem in the future.

Paul has been wondering around again. Talking to mom. Creepy asshat needs to leave us alone. I really would do virtually anything to get him away from us.

Teachers are on strike. No school.

My sleep schedule has been screwed up, so this is good.

Thanks stress!

I should stop procrastinating and do my homework. But that sounds too easy. I like making my life even more difficult.

Well.. That's it for now I guess.