THirty Seven: Boxing day!

And i'm not shopping.
FAIL.

Nah, it's alright.

Well, it will be if we go to Calgary.

Which i have a 50/50 chance for.

I have a mental break down yesterday.

About my dog,
Finances,

People,

you know, everything.

It all came and slammed into me head on.

ANYWAY ABOUT CALGARY

i'm hoping we go

mom might have to call in "sick"

to get a day off.

Since they pratically laughed in her face about her wanting a day off.
I hope she does anyway.

I REALLY WANT TO GO!

So, for Christmas i got lots of make up

facial stuff, and so on.

Lots of socks,

Pomegranate,

Hippo gloves (like knittted to loook like hippos)

books
did i mention make up?

earrings, that have my birth stone.

then the typical christmas stuff

likea toothbrush
orange

chocolate orange
yeaaa..

I should shower.

Then try out some new make up.

But it's late

and that would be pointless.

but i should still shower.

Along with cross my fingers and toes that we can go to Calgary!

I should buy a book light.

That could be very useful

especially when traveling

since you know,

sometimes it's rather dark.

(Okay, so maybe i'm thinking of when we go to Calgary and the fact that we would be leaving late, and getting there around ten. That way i can read without a light on in my room and such too.)

SO MY LIST OF NEEDS/WANTS:

New pants - need. One pair that fits that has no holes isn't fun.

Book light - Want. Could be quite useful and handy.

iPod- Want. I MISS MINE!

Books- Want. I'm such a nerd.

Money- Need. Well, i want my dog to get better. I also need someway to buy this stuff.

Piercings- Want. You know how i am with Piercings. they're just so, addicting.

A life- need. Obvious reasons.

Nikon Dsomethingoranother that would suit me- Want.

I know i had more than that. I can't remember more. Grrr.

I met my baby cousin Isabelle yesterday!

She's so cute

but so ugly..

BUT SO CUTE

i want one

Ugh.

Why can't things be obvious and easy.

Thirty Six; DONE MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!

kinda.
Nearly.
I have to buy the neighbour something, my brother something and my dog something.
Breanna got things for her hair (Whooo 5 for 10$ at Ardenes!)
Mom got:
Tiger gloves, since the moose ones were gone.
Sadness.
Some chocolate,
A book she asked for
those two snoopy things
and yea i think that's it.
It's actually a lot more than it sounds.

Got up at 9, left at 10 for Christmas shopping.
Then Corban was all gung ho to walk home.
Fucker.
It was cold!

I finished my book.
Sadness
I need to get the second one!

I'm currently on Omegle.
Fuck my life they're boring on a Saturday afternoon.

Pretty stoked for Christmas.
I can't wait to see my mom's face when she opens it up!

I want to write.
Write an amazing story.
Maybe i'll go see what the b-b- i forget the word..
Bursery?
Theme is on the college's website and write something along that line.
Yea, maybe i'll do that.

Thirty Five; I had my first counselling session on Wednesday.

Yea, so.
IT went like such:
"Ohai, how're you?"
I find it hard to lie to a counsellor, by saying "good." But even when i do, he sees through it.
So i said "normal" i said it a couple times, near the end he told me to tell him what normal is, 'cause he has never heard of normal

He then told me what we're going to be doing (big fancy words for like, deep breathing, yoga, positive thinking pretty much)
Then started to talk about my anxiety, said it's high, but not that bad.
I then proseeded to spill my guts about Paul.
He asked if i ever reported him, etc.
I told him about Britt.
And asked if they knew she was worse than they thought, if she could be brought in earlier.
I then told him about her new problems.
He made a onte of it, and would bring it up.
He then asked me if i cut
i said no
he then asked if i have ever cut
i said yes, but it didn't do anything ofr me
we then talked about cat scratches.

What makes no sense, is that he only asked about cutting.
He's never asked about burning, or anything else.
Man, i nearly pull out my toe nails.
Which i guess, is kind of.. Unusual.
but i have since i was little.

Mom's Christmas present list:
Calendar
Chocolates
Moose gloves
and we're not sure what else to get her yet.

We're going to get Breanna a necklace and a ring or something.

I need to get a new tongue bar thing.
One with a flat top
the roof of my mouth isn't too happy with the ball.

I want some more piercings, too.

Oohhh so much to buy, and so little money.

I'm still sick.
Still dreading this time of year.
Boooooo.

Thirty Four; That time of year again.

As of Sunday it'll be six years since my dad has passed away.
I watched My Sister's Keeper today, nearly cried.
Reminded me of just how much i dad went through.

My mom yelled at my brother on like, what, Thursday?
Made me cry.
It was intense.
He got grounded, for the first time since like.. sixth grade? Yea?

I have a science exam tomorrow.
SO STOKED
lololol i crack myself up.

I'm sick
Dammit.

I.. painted my nails all Christmas-y
They're red, and then (With the nail polish my neighbour gave me, that's like only sparkles with no real colour to it) i have the sparkles on top. That are green.
Pretty rad.
I kinda screwed up, though. I'm missing spots.

I'm afraid Sam is suicidal, i don't we're as tight as we were, either.

Britt is scaring me.
Did i tell you guys about what happened?
How she was texting Sam about how she went to the doctor,
the doctor told her she needs to start eating or she's going to starve to death.
Which then made her say to Sam "Well that's the price to be skinny"
FUCKING HELL
i feel guilty, too.
We go to the same counselling building.
I got in
She's on a waiting list
man she needs this more than me
she's the one that could kill herself.
I mean, so could i, but she's.. Anorexic, she cuts, she's..
She just doesn't care anymore.

Did i mention my first counselling appointment is tomorrow?
I'm kinda.. scared.
Kinda.
It's with Scott, not sure if i told you guys that.
It's been awhile, and i've been meaning to post
So i can't remember if i've posted things, or if i was planning on post things.

COLDS CAN GO DIE NOW, KTHX
I'm so sore.
My neck/back/shoulders are killing me.

I'm still reading Pleasure Unbound.
Fucking good book, man.
Little like "the hell?" in the begining, but now i get it, and it's way better.

I'm excited for Christmas.
I want to make my mom a giant card.
GIANT.

Veronica's still pissed off with me.
Boohoo.

ANYWAY
yea umm
i don't think anything else is new?

OH WAIT
my uncle, the druggy one, yea him.
With the musical son? (Ivan Townsend, search it up boys and girls!)
Is going to be going to my aunty's and nana's on the 22nd!
I may be visiting too?
Maybe.
I don't know yet.

Yea, that's about it.
For now.

Goodnight my lovelies, i'm going to go take some cold medicine.
wait for my sister to get out of the shower.
Then i shall go shower.

Thirty Three; Ok, i can elaborate now

P.A.R.T.Y Program-
I don't know, i just really enjoyed it, it put me in such an amazing mood.
Maybe it was because i finally felt someone was happy with what i had done.

Being a victim-
They made me a "victim." In other words, they made it look like i flew through the window sheild, hence the fake blood.
I had a grand ol' time, with them demenstrating what certain needles and such do, on me. (No, they didn't actually poke me. Thank goodness.)

Sam Flipped shit-
Her mom got the house, which means her dad is screwed.
Long story. Messy Divorce.

Fake blood is difficult to get off-
Previously explained.

I WENT TO HARRY POTTER
it was pretty good. Kinda helped Sam calm down from her anger towards her mom.

I put oil in my hair, ya know. To help with the damage.
It feels funny.
Even though i've already washed it.

My birthday has come and gone.
One of my worst, yet.
I wish my dad would have been there, you know how sixteen is such a "mile stone"
I wish he could have been there to celebrate with us.
Mom also misplaced my birthday present, which was no problem.
But she decided to get me clothes for my birthday, since she couldn't find the present.
So we went to Winners and Walmart.
To find out i've gone up a pants size.
I couldn't find anything that fit, and i felt like shit.
I've never cried over something so.. Stupid.
On my birthday, anyway.

BABY IS BACK
yea, her and her mom came back home from the friend's house.
Too much drinking going on there.
So happy.
I go see them again tomorrow once i wake up.

I think it's national Hate Meranda Year
Everyone's pissed with me.
EVERYONE.
well, that's alie.
A lot of people are just getting mad at me, for things like me saying "never mind" or
"I don't know" wrong.
"WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BITCH MERANDA?"
fer cereal. That makes me become a bitch.
YOU DON'T CALL ME A BITCH, BITCH.
Anywhos.
With one friend mad at me, that makes everyone else mad at me.
Aw well.
Shows who my real friends are, hey?

FOUND OUT WHO MY COUNSELLOR IS
yea, it's Scott. The guy that did my intake with the blue eyes.
Yep.

Hm, what else.

I'm in a baby mood.
Is that weird?
I'm thinking of baby names.
Things for babies, and such.
Oh, how i can't wait to be a mother.
Just watch me be infertile..
Just you watch.

MY TEACHER IS FLIPPING SHIT HOLY FUCK.
Yea, she's been in a real bad mood lately.
Thanks a lot guys.
Make us all seem like a bunch of ungreatful idiots.
Ugh.
Teenaged life, i swear.
hah.

I had more to tell, i was kinda excited to post this, 'cause of the awesome things i had to say.
But now, i don't remember.

(I love the above picture, it's so pretty. Miss Haley is pretty darn beautiful if i do say so myself)

Thirty Two; SO FUN

I love Party program.
Sam flipped
I'll update later.
NO TIME

but omg
fake blood is hard to get off.
i love being a victim.

Thirty One; I had something to say

But i can't remember what it is.

Mom made muffins today, the family favourite. Banana chocolate chip.
They taste funny, i also think i'm having an allergic reaction. OH THE HORROR!

Figured out why our house is so cold.
With our windows, the age of our size, and the size of it our furnace is around 5000 *some fancy word that i don't know* too small.
FUN!
So until this guy comes over again, i have to continue waking up shivering.
Which isn't so bad, i mean, at least i have a house. Right?

Got new tired. They gave mom a senior discount AHAHAHHA.
yea. good times.


OH MY GOD
this fucking pan.
Pie pan? i don't know. some stupid thing
WON'T CLEAN
mom burnt some shit on there that like, laughs at me when i wash it.
Stupid thing.

144 pictures out of like 3,000 done in art! WHOOO..
I'm seirous.

Britt doesn't seem mad or anything.
She actually had lunch with her parents today.
I'm so proud of her!
You have no idea.
I'm like beaming! (If i wasn't eating, or so tired i would be, anyway.)

Veronica and I still aren't clicking.
Still pissed at her.
Aw well. Teenaged drama is teenaged drama!

P90X?! YES, THAT'S RIGHT MOFOS.
This is going to be INTENSE

Facebook is being a bitch.
Yes, a female dog.
Woof.

I'M COLD.

I'm nearly done my book. I got it like.. Friday? Maybe? I think so.

NEW BAND
i don't like female songers all too much but The Letter Black
PRETTY GOOD.
These songs.
For some reason i want to cry.
Tears of joy.
I don't know why.
I'm just suddenly so Happy now that i'm listening to "Best of me" By The Letter Black
WOW
THIS IS SO STRANGE.

I hate doing dishes.
my hands are so dry now.
NEED SOME CREAM!

or lotion. whatever you people insist on calling it.

Thirty; Thank youuu SO much.

We told the counsellor about Britt.
All the details we knew about her, we told him.
He called her mom. Brittany told her mom everything.
She's getting help now.
I'm so over joyed that i'm just sitting here, grinning.
I wish she knew how proud of her I am, for getting help.
For accepting it.
I wish she knew how badly she was scaring us.
At least she has her parent's support now.
And all that stuff.
I'm so happy we told the counsellor.

I'M DOING GYM THROUGH CORRESPONDENTS!
So stoked.
So so so so SO stoked.

Sam and i are going to do it together, we think.
SO EXCITED.

It's my cousin's birthday today.
Happpyyy Birthhdaayy To Georgie!
But i'm afraid that, for one, it isn't her actual birthday, and for two..
I don't have a two.

I'm eating some rather yummy yogurt.

Breanna's sick.

Did i mention i saw the baby yesterday?

It made my day.

I can get my learners real soon.
Pretty stoked.
Just gotta do me some research!

Counsellor gave me some intertesting tutor forms.
I may have to check out for math.

Veronica is still pissing me off.
She's such an attention whore.
Not just in general, but with guys.
She has a boyfriend and this is how it went:
"Aaron! Come sit with me!"
"Why don't you sit with Vanessa so she's not a loner over there?"
"'Cause i want him to sit with ME"
okkkk. your boyfriend was going to be coming over real soon, and so you get him to come over
to what, get him murdered?
That's cool.
First thing she says to me this morning is

"Oh my god! Dakota didn't put his arm around me when we went to the movies!"
Boo fucking hoo.

Am i bitter that she has a boyfriend
or am i just pissed with her?

WHO KNOWS

6 daysss
kinda.
Till i'm 16.
Yeaaaa man.

And that is the extent of my day.

OH THAT'S A LIE

Mme. Bedard got mad at Sam and i, I think?
I don't know.
I may have to do my project tomorrow.
Weeee..

twenty nine; WELL

I shuvled!

I did a shitty job in the front.
REALLY SHITTY
but aw well, it's alll ice under there anyway, so ya know..

Is it sad that i miss my neighbour and her baby?

I MISS THEM SO FUCKING MUCH OH MY GOD.
That baby and her cheeks and the way she talks, just, awww.
Neighbour got a boyfriend.
Maybe they'll want some "time" and i could babysit the baby for her.
I miss that kid.
ugggh.

Got my report card.
Two A's (Thanks Mr C for being so kick ass.)
One B
a C+ that was two percent off from a B *frustration*

I should probably E-mail my aunty.
Hmmm.

My mom was suppose to get off at Five?
And she still hasn't called?
Whatttttt?


I think Veronica is mad at me again.
Whoooo.

I'm listening to Demons by Brian McFadden
Oh my god. Love.

Britt is cutting.
I think i posted that already.
But she admitted to it the other day.
i'm going to tell a teacher.
I wrote a letter and intend on telling him.
This is going to take some serious hypothetical balls.
AND GO.

My doggy has been with me all day.
She makes me happy.

I need a boy in my life.
Someone to cuddle with.
To make me feel loved.
To make me feel pretty.

SPEAKING OF PRETTY
some guy yesterday said i had a nice smile

"Hi"
"Hi"
"You have a nice smile!"
"Thanks!"
"Thank YOU!"
I wish he was younger.
But i still felt pretty good 'cause of that.

Twenty Eight; Why am i so upset?

Tyler told me he can't talk to me anymore.

He has a girlfriend
i was all "ummm, okkk?"

But something about it upset me.
WHO KNOWS WHAT
i'm cool now, ya know. Whatever.
It's not like i'm surprised, or that it's something completely out of the blue.
Maybe it's 'cause he said him talking to me again was a mistake.
Maybe i'm just hormonal.

NOTE TO WORLD
do NOT fucking turn my god damn light on in the morning.
Why?

IT PUTS ME IN ONE FUCKING PISSY MOOD.
yea.

I got downstairs today, feeling kinda pretty.
I was in a dress thing that i felt cute in.
I had my hair done.
Make up nicely done.
And i come downstairs to "Isn't that a little short?"
YOU KNOW WHAT. FUCK YOU I HAD TIGHTS ON.
Then i lean over to give my dog a pet and get told to go change.
I mean, i'm all cool with that.
I don't want to seem like a whore.
BUT YA KNOW WHAT.

I FELT PRETTY.
and then.. it was shot down by finding out my outfit was too short.

THEN VERONICA IS ALL "BOO HOO HOO"

you know what?

I'm about up to HERE with her fucking bullshit.
She really needs to learn to grow the fuck up.
SHE LEFT BITE MARKS ON MY GOD DAMN FINGER.
so maybe i had it coming.
But who honeslty bites people when someone says "Bite me"
i mean, i honestly had nothing else to say.
Other than "QUIT FUCKING TELLING ME TO SPEED UP"

i think i may start just.. walking kinda by myself
bring my CD player since i'm a nerd and my iPod doesn't work anymore.

I miss my aunty.
I wish i could tell her everything.
I mean everything.
Right down to the online dudes that catch my eye.
Oh man, i hope that doesn't come out in counselling.
I mean, i don't want to start balling and bring things up off the internet.
Imagine how that'd go?
"Maybe you should take a break from the internet."
"maybe it's a good thing this all happened. maybe you shouldn't be online."
Uh nuh.

I neeeed a life.
Luckily, they said they'd talk about my anxiety, and possibly dad.
But then Paul would be dragged in. Which would drag in how they met.
Which may drag in how i was involved..
or maybe i'll just say "Over the internet"

and that'll be that.
Mmm. i HOpe so.

I'm such an over reacter.

I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO HELP BRITTANY

I REALLY WANT PICKLES

I REALLY WANT A BOY.
Dear me, what i'd do for a boy.
someone to cuddle with.
Ugh.

I need a male in my life that i can love and be loved by.
Have threaten any guy that hurts me.
That's not my brother. (Unless it's Chad or Schyler)
Man. I think i have a problem.

THAT'S MY LIFE FOR NOW.

Twenty Seven; Why do you do this?

I worry for you more than you know.
You pretty much out right told me you cut.
I'm so scared for you, chicky.
You starve yourself. You wish you were bulimic. You cut yourself now?
Please, please let someone in. Let someone help you.
Don't let this go any farther.
I'll do what i have to do.
I'll tell your mother.
I'll tell a teacher.
I'll tell anyone.
Just please don't do this.
You've got my heart going a mile a minute for you.
I worry that you're going to do something we'll all regret.
Please don't do this.


Tyler emailed me, i feel so giddery.. in a good way.
It's strange.

JESSICA
OMG
I got in contact with her.
It's been forever.
She used to live a few houses up from me
I've known her since i was like, born.
We used to hang out like, everyday.
I found out she graduated last year.
So great to see her.
Even if it was only through facebook.
I was so STOKED last night to find her on Facebook.
It's like, crazy.
She's such a beautiful girl. So beautiful.

I hung out with Sam again, for the passed like five days.
Good fun
We like, lived on Omegle/Tumblr. (since she uses Tumblr and no one knows i use this site)
I miss having a good friend like her.
It's so nice.

Went to see the counsellor today.
I went with a guy named Scott for my intake.
He was pretty chill.
He looked me in the eyes the whole time.
I was like, tripping out the whole time.
He had this big blue eyes that you like.. Drowned in..
I had to keep looking away.
Maybe he was doing it on purpose? Seeing how i deal with things maybe?

Who knows.
They are going to call soon, to set up an appointment. But i'm on a waiting list
They also want me to see a Youth Worker.
Goodie.
I'm kinda scared, to be honest.
I mean, a counsellor is one thing.
But someone younger, and going out and *doing* things with someone?
Oh boy.
Here we go.

I over ate today.
God i think i might puke.
HOLY FUCKING BALLS.

Corban has a girlfriend, i think i posted that last time, though.
So strange.
So very strange.

I'm so scared.
Holy shit man.

Aaron (new friend from VANCOUVERRRR) may like Sam?

Cool, right? DAMN STRAIGHT.

I got new souls for my shoes
<33333

Twenty Six; I miss my brother.

I miss my brother,
I miss my dad,
I miss my friends,
I miss my life.
I MISS BEING A KID.

I'm still sick.
I'm still worried.
I'm still wanting out of gym.
I'm still scared for art.
FUCK THIS SHIT MAN.

I miss my brother, i wish i could know him like everyone else.
I miss Stephen and Christain, when we were just kids. Hangin' out
even if we had a wide gap between our ages.
I miss My friends being nice, and caring.
Now comes highschool and i realize i need new friends. (Other than Sam)
UGH.

I'm still sick. Whoo.
I'm bored. Whoo.
I'm going to straighten my hair. Whoo.
SHIT I FORGOT TO PUT MY LAUNDRY IN THE DRYER. Whoo.

We went out yesterday, out on this huge ass drive up this.. place.
Yea it was pretty kick ass.

I'm dizzy ish tired.
FOURTY MINUTES AND MY CLOTHES ARE DRY
but only half an hour till i go to bed?
Delima?
Possibly.


I'm listening to Angels on The Moon
<3 m=" <3">

And willing to get to know a troubled girl?

No? Didn't think so.

I'm such a jealous person.
The thought of a girl hanging out with
a guy i know, and i'm like.. friends with
bothers me
BOO ME?
Who would want to date someone like that.

I HAVE A FRIEND THAT'S A NOBODY LIKE ME
Vanessa. Hah
We have our own handshake and all.

I really want a locket..
That's big enough to hold a picture
that makes my heart ache with love.
Ugh.

You know, i get asked what i want for my birthday
and such
but no one ever asks, what do i truely want
more than anything?
It's not expensive. Really.
I want to hear my dad's voice again.
Just once.
Could they just make the VCR tape into a DVD?
I don't know if he talked in it
maybe a little
but it's my last chance.
I need to hear his voice.

I still wonder, 'Is he proud of me?
Would he approve?
Am i too fat?'
I'm so scared my dad would look at me
frown, and be upset with how i've turned out
don't get me wrong, i'm a good kid
But i'm not a bean pole
not athletic
i don't have the best grades around
and here i am, going to counselling
with health problems
with problems that i don't even understand.
I need someone who knows and understands
and loves me.
Please?

It's amazing how much you learn from Pictures.
You can tell my dad didn't hate my mom's ass.
That he.. just.
Pictures show more than i ever understood.
I feel like i may find something that cares now.

Anyway!
Life moves on.
I miss my life before this.
Can i just have you all back?

Can we all just hug and make up?

Hug and come back?

Hug and be us again.
i LOVE you and you don't even know how much.

twenty Five; I wish i could be normal.

I cried myself to sleep lastnight.
Because i was afraid my dog didn't love me anymore.
Afraid she didn't remember me.
It scared me to death.
I had the thought of her potential death run through my mind,
Which made me think that she's the last thing i have that also belonged to my father
Sure, that may not be exactly true.
But she's one thing the two of us loved very much.
I then cried, 'cause i missed my daddy so much.
i grabbed his ring and balled my eyes out.
I wish i had proof that he's proud of me, that he loves me.
I miss him more than i miss anyone.

I'm sick. I've been hacking up a lung for the passed few days.
And i'm losing my voice.
I sound like a pubescent boy.
My voice keeps cracking.
NOW I HAVE THE SNIFFLES
which pisses me off.

Veronica is seriously pissing.me.off.
I noticed that everything, always, has to be about her?
yeah, apparently so.
I didn't give her the attention she wanted, and i didn't take her side.
So she got pissed with me.
Oh, Okay.
Then later she calls me and said that she was bored and wanted to
talk to someone, i said i had to go for supper and she said
"Ok i'll call someone else. bye"
Ok, that's cool.
THEN
as we're walking to school the next day she said "I'm not going to hang
out with you guys at lunch 'cause i'm going to KFC with Shay"
Alright, that's cool.
Later, not even ten minutes after that she walks to her other friend
"What are you doing at lunch today"
Ok, i get it. You don't want to spend lunch with me
BUT REALLY
must you be SO rude?

/Whiney Teen.

I decided that i really want a Clock necklace/Clock penant/thingy
I love them, so much. I've wanted one for awhile, but i've kept it to myself.
The other day i decided that, what the hell.
I'll email aunty Faye some pictures i like of them, and ask her to keep in eye out for me
Since she lives in a bigger city.
(By like.. 80k people..)


I've seen Paul like three times.
Twice was within the hour..
Once was when i was walking home, he was in the parkinglot i walk by.
Then the second and third time was in Safeway.
Scary.Shit.

I've been babysitting a lot lately
Not really.

I feel like my life is unraveling.
Good friendships are dying
and my life feels so horrible.
Even though it's fine, and i'm just a whiney teenager.

So sick.
I may be able to get out of gym, which makes my life <3>

twenty four; Oh that's Cool.

Just talk about me like i can't hear. Even though i'm just in the next room.
S'all cool.

Fucking ass.
"She better not bitch about her stomach to me with what she's doing!"

So i add a little too much vinager to my chicken and such. So what?
Maybe you should stop drinking, which will help your stomach.

OWAIT

I don't even complain about my stomach to you so you know what, SHUT THE FUCK UP

I'll do what i fucking want. K? K.

Oh my god, you people frustrate me!
"Lets bitch about Meranda, even though we know she can hear! Hooray!"
Ugh.

Babysat, i love that kid. I wonder what's a good gift for a.. few month old? like 4 month old.

I'm going to go buy some cool new makeup, soon.

I want to hit something.

I got skype today, pretty cool.

I want to cry.

I have an exam and stuff soon.Goodie, right? yea.

I painted my nails. Purty.

I GOT MY RESULTS
i have the hernia. (The one on the far right in the picture)

GUESS WHAT?!
I'M STUCK WITH IT!
they won't do shit for it.
Whoo.

I'm being tested for diebetes, and my thyroid is being checked.
Again.
They hated my veins. they rolled. I lawled.

I'M SO DAMN FRUSTRATED

twenty Three; I wish you could see how you hurt me.

How you hurt yourself, even.

Britt, why can't you realize you're killing yourself.

You're not fat, you'll never be fat.

Please eat, please drink.

Please don't go bulimic.

Please, Britt, Please get better.

Girl, you don't realize what you mean to me, how much i care for you. How much i miss the old you. The one that wasn't always cold, that wasn't such a germaphobe. Britt, be careful.

Stop those situps, don't measure yourself, eat something. DRINK.

Please, you don't realize how horrible this is for you

You're sick already, your body is already screwed, don't make this worse.

Please.

I know i should tell someone about you, i told my mom. But man, i don't know how i can tell anyone else. Please, Britt. Please. Don't make this so hard

I lay in bed everything wondering if you're okay, if you're going to wake up the next morning and eat, or if you'll wake up at all.

Please.

I want to scream at you for not eating, but it wouldn't do anything.

I wish those guys would stop calling you a babe, or sexy, or whatever.

I feel like they're pushing you on, making you feel like the skinnier you are, the prettier.

Britt, you're so beautiful. But this isn't the way, if you want to "not become fat" then maybe go to the gym, watch what you eat, in a healthy way. Don't do this.

Please.

I'm scared and i can't do it.

I know what to do, i should tell your mom. I should tell someone, that's not my mom.

But i don't know how.

I don't want to betray you, but i don't want to lose you.

I want you to be okay.

God, i'm scared for you.

I'm ignoring what could put hme in danger, and i'm worrying for you.

Why can't you see that everyone is

that we all care

and none of us want this

if we could

we'd stuff food down your throat, and make you eat

make you drink

hide the scales

anything.

But we can't, can we?

You're a bag of bones, you always have been. You don't know what this is going to do to you.

Twenty Three; You son of a bitch.

Dear,
Male side of Opa's side of the family (other than uncle Odd)
Uncle Bjorne you don't know shit all. So you can STFU

Thor, i don't feel like i can call you Opa anymore 'cause of all this shit you've done. I feel ashamed to call you family.

You let your friend molest my mother, and you laugh. You did this many times.

AND YOU AHVE THE FUCKING NERVE TO SAY YOU DIDN'T
and now you're bringing in other people, who is bringing in even more

do you realize what the hell you've done?

YOU LEFT MY MOM WHEN SHE WAS PRATICALLY 10

and you say that you helped support her, and you were the best father could be? My fucking ass.

Learn to be a fucking man, keep shit to yourself, between the people that should be involved not the whole god damn fucking family. You piece of shit. I hope you burn in hell. No, better yet. I hope someone makes you feel the way you made my mother and her cousin feel. Then go through the pain of you telling them they're lying. You.. i can't even explain how horribly i feel for you. How i just want you to die, and never cause this hurt on my mother EVER AGAIN.

On other news, Paul came over to the house.

I was at school, neighbour told him that she's suppose to call the cops if she sees him here, he kinda left. Tried to be all "friendly" with her, saying he just wanted to see if the cat was around, and that he wants a divorce so he can "get on with his life." Yea, whatever.

Neighbour called her add, who went to my mom's work, told her. My sister went to their house after school so she wasn't alone.

She sent me a message on facebook, just incase i would be on at school

(The one time i'm not..)

Told another friend, she told me get a gun and a baseball bat. Freakin' Americans. Guns don't just come out of thin air. and like, seriously?

I babysat Crystal the other night, too. For four hours. It wasn't too bad, i felt kinda awkward, though. I was so tired at the end of it, though. And i was only their till midnight.

Ugh, thank goodness their my neighbours.

I kind of love that baby. <33>

I'm frustrated.

I'm sick.

I'm hurting.

I feel all -blah-.

twenty Two; I just ate a few pickles.

OH MOTHER FUCKING JESUS

Paul's back.

Austin messaged me on Facebook

And Tyler doesn't have to go to jail.

Paul-

I'm fucking scared. We've put on new locks, and we have deadbolts. We're trying to make the house less easy to break into. It's just my sister and i at home. I'm kind of scared. I'm nervous. I wish i wasn't alone.

Austin-

Yea, he messaged me. So i'm assuming he "Wants to be friends." Bahahhaha. If you want to be friends with your ex, you clearly never loved them (or so i've been told.)
Pissed me off. I feel sick to my stomach over it. Weird, huh?
Break your girlfriend of a year and a day (yea that's right)'s heart and expect it to be all peachy? Alright! .. you shit.

Tyler-

He didn't have to go to jail! That's all i know. I don't know why he might've had to go or anything, he said it's long and stupid. So.. who knows.

I babysat my neighbour's daughter's daughter yesterday while my neighbour's daughter had their cat put down. The cat was old.. Anyway, oh my goodness. Crystal is so adorable

and did so well with me! She hardly cried, and when she did it was 'cause she was hungry, or she was filling her diaper. Oh when she's filling her diaper (and not crying) she's SO cute. I could just eat her up. I babysat for an hour. She was going to pay me, but i couldn't accept the money, i mean.. She just put down her cat, and she has a one month old to take care of. I love that kid. So much.

Sam brought me some primer, it's so amazing. (Make up Primer, by the way)
She also got a puppy, Caeser, oh goodness. He's SO cute. Pom., wiener dog, and pug mix. Sounds ugly but oh goodness he's like 7 weeks old or so. He's so tiny and so cute. He's black, and just. OH GOODNESS. Cute ness overload!

I started a new book series. The Night World by L.J. Smith. I just finished The Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare. I can't wait to read her other books. I feel so nerdy.

Veronica's been having some.. teenaged.. problems.. lately. Being hit head on.
I can't help but get annoyed with her, and feel pity. I'm such a horrible friend.

My right side of my chest kinda hurts. I don't know why.

I feel sick.

My head hurts.

I want to cry.

I wish teenagers could see what they have.

That they wouldn't cry when their parents tell them they can't go out.

I wish they could see that their parents do and say what they do and say because they love them and want the best for them (some anyway.)
Instead they complain and bitch about every little thing their parents do. Look around you, is being kept in the house all night really so bad? Does having to keep your grades up seem so horrible?

I re-dyed my hair. It's now no longer splotchy, it's all Black-ish (for the most part)
No it wasn't suppose to be black, it was suppose to be dark brown.

I guess i left it in too long. My bad.
I wish i could feel safe in my own house, my own place of birth, my own home.

Twenty One; I feel sick.

And i have no idea as to why.

Veronica just came over, we hung out for a few hours.
We had a sort of heart to heart talk.
It was nice.

I dyed my hair again.
It's darkk brown
but i did a shitty dye job
my mom thinks it looks cool.
My friend says people pay a lot of money to have junks missing like mine..
yeaaa..

I have three songs i can't stop listening to..

Beauty Of The Dark- Mads Langer
You're Not Alone - Mads Langer
Wonderful Life- Hurts

Did i tell you that i went to the first dance of the year?
It was pretty intense.
Only person that didn't dance with Austin, yay me.

That day i also carreid Lane around, giving him piggy back rides for like.. three hours.. yea.. ow..
my legs are still sore.

Went to see Easy A
with:
Veronica
Austin
Sam
Bradie
Mariah
Lauren
Kaitlyn
and i think i may be forgetting someone..
but you get the idea
it was a good movie, it kind of reminded me of mine and Veronica's relationship, in a way.
sorta
maybe
ish not really

SO SICK
i may have the flu.
fuck.

I feel nervous, why?

Doctor upped my dosage
i'm up to 30mg or whatever
from 20
from 20$ ish to 91$ ish
scary.

Have to wait for my mom to get me my medicine..
the NEW stuff
the somethingsomething-gas
sounds bad.

MOM NEEDS TO CALL THE COUNSELLOR
OMG
OMG
yea..

Driving through the city to the Temple Station,
Cries into the leather sea,
But Susie knows the baby was a family man,
But the world has got him down on his knees

So she throws him at the wall,
Her kisses burn like fire,
And suddenly he starts to believe,
And he takes her in his arms but he doesnt know why,
But he thinks that he begins to see

She says:
'Dont let go,
Never give up its such a wonderful life,
Dont let go,
Never give up its such a wonderful life'

<3

not even my usual type of music. omg.

SO SICK
OMG

twenty; Wow! It's been forever!

Started high school, not sure if i mentioned that in my last post.

It's pretty great, i guess.

I made a new friend, Austin. He's kinda cute.

SUPER sweet, i wish he could be like, my best friend.

Him and his girlfriend just broke up the other day.

Poor guy.

Hung out with him and Veronica, we went to LaSenza, he didn't care we were looking at bras, he was like.. mesmerized by the colours. Cracked me up.

Counsellor called, which means that i have to actually talk to people about my feelings. Greattt.

Paul's saying he's coming back, lolololol. I know.

I may have a hernia. Good stuff.

Have to go get some tests run, whoo.

I love art class, it's so amazing. The teacher is brilliant.

And he doesn't make it seem like you have to be abrilliant drawer
he gives pointers
he's just

awesome.

Veronica wasn't going to tell me something, but i ended up begging it out of her.

She thought i would hate her.

She told me she hurt herself.

If only she knew that i understood..

nineteen; S'boy. Sorry i haven't been on in like, forever.

I was in Calgary for about ten days.

Then i went to Winnipeg and went to a family reunion, which means i got to see my brothers!

So lovely.

I was in such an amazing mood, i think that potential depression thing went away.

Then after a 15 hours car ride BACK from Winnipeg to Calgary, my mother has this bright idea of PICKING UP FOR ANOTHER FIVE HOUR LONG CAR RIDE

which for the record, pissed me off so badly i cried.

Weird.

So much has happened i don't know what i have and haven't told you.

Paul said he's coming back "soon" for a few weeks.

BULLSHIT.

The doctors think i have a Hiatus Hernia

Guess that means all my tests came back normal..

She's also putting me on Iberogast

Sneaky people treating me for what they thought i had before

thinking i have IBS and that if they can cure it with that shit then i won't need more medications or a surgery for the hernia.

Come on people.

I miss my brothers sososososo MUCH.

ashdkahd
Mostly Chad, i think he's my favourite

he took me to the movies, and i got to meet his girl- i mean 'lady friend' before anyone else (besides his brother and mom, of course.)

she's awesome.

reminds me of my old art teacher, Mrs Dixon.

although, i asked her how her and Chad met and she said

"On an online dating site"

I told her about mom and paul, well sort of.

She said "Oh ew ew ew ew ew! You have to go through your frogs to get to your prince, or in my case through your frogs to get to my Chad."

I was like, d'aww my brother has a girliefriend!

Then during the movie she was snuggling up with him and everything, if i was closer to him i would have maybe gagged or poked fun at him.

I had such a lovely time, i'd do it again any day.

Corban can an iPod since he couldn't go, and he then had to stay and babysit breanna

Which kind of pissed me off, but hey.

Eighteen; Okay Storms, if you're going to come, be.. Interesting.

It's been storming on and off all day. Well, all week is more like it.

I watched the end of Mom, Dad and Her the other night, good movie, i think.

My moods have been everywhere! If i didn't know any better i'd swear i was pregnant.
Unless i'm another Mary?
I've been in a shitty mood, to a content mood, to so upset i want to cry.

FUCK
i've been touchy to the littlest things
like my mom making eggs for supper last night and i really didn't want them

i nearly cried
whattt the heelll, man?

I'm stressed out the ying yang, why? i don't know.
i want to pull out my hair, curl up in a ball, and have someone tell me it's all going to be alright.

HAHAHA. yes that'll happen.

Wayne's been annoying me lately, too.

GRAH. something about him, just, grrr.

We painted ONE of Porthos's toes, Wayne didn't like that.

Monday should be my last day of school, hopefully.

I want to watch a movie or something, what should i watch?
I want to watch Charlie St. Cloud, even though i don't really like Zach Efron.
I want to see Moulin Rouge, but apparently the site i'm on doesn't have it.

Hmm, what to watch.
The commercial about Russian girls looking for boyfriends should go away to.

I don't want to see you bending over and pushing your boobs together, jesus.

I can do that to! Don't see me puttin' that shit online!

My Friends need to grow the fuck up.

I hate my dad for making me realize what i have is so unbearably lucky.

My friends complain about the littlest things, i mean seriously.
My dad isn't here, i'll never see him again.

I have my mother, every day i'm horrified that she won't be coming home.

What do my friends do? Bitch and complain about everything
"My mom won't let me go to the mall! OMG!"
"My mom won't let me get more minutes, my life is over!"

GET THE FUCK OVER IT
or Veronica, okay girl, but her mom is sick.

Her mom can hardly walk, i mean, i know what that's like

a parent that's pratically paralyzed
and what does she do?"
"My mom is such a bitch! She makes me make her bed and do chorse!"
My dad had too much pride to even let me bring his bowl into the kitchen for him
It nearly killed him when people had to help him use the washroom, never mind when he had to use diapers.

AHHHHHH!

i need new friends that appreciate their parents, and realize their parents do what they do because they care for them or because they *Can't* physically do it.

Fuck.

I had a point to this post, what was it?

Seventeen; I want winter to come

No srsly.

I miss winter.

i'd be happy with even just.. fall
I miss being able to curl up under a blanket
wearing sweaters and hoodies.
hot liquids
.. not feeling like i'm going to melt.

Oh, fall and winter. Come soon this year, please.

It just randomly got really windy, then it poured
and now it's all sunny again

Hello bipolar BC weather, how are you today?

I'm up at like 7 tomorrow to go help someone move at 8:30

apparently our family friend wants to get my brother and i plastered?
yea, that.

Nope, now that i think about it

I'll stick with fall

winter is suppose to get to the low of -40 celcius or some fancy shit.

Oh dear.

Now that we're going to MBS we can actually get snow days

no transformer/generator do hicky

yay?

My book is getting depressing.

nearly made me cry. Nearly.

Oh, The Buried Life facebok status thing cracked me up

"I wish my first word could have been quote so that before i die i could have said end quote"

I just pissed off a 23 year old, for picking on his grammar?

mk.
Wimp can't handle a fifteen year old picking on him.

Jokingly.

oook

Sixteen; Well, this isn't looking good.

I think i'm falling back into a depression
or i'm having hardcore anxiety problems, again.

I've been in a real pissy mood lately.

No friends, it's not that lovely time of the month.

FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCK FUCKKK

I was Brandon's body guard today, pratically.
People want to beat the shit out of him for a lie his ex-girlfriend made up.

WHOO.
I asked if he honestly thought a 5'3 girl could protect him
he said that people tend not to hit him when girls are around.

Ok.

I want to cry

I want to scream

I want to have fun

I want to meet someone that cares.

Honestly Cares.

Not that "i care, really." "Lawl guess what she did!" kind of dealio.
Is it so much to ask to be loved?

to have someone i can talk to?

Grah.

I mean, ihave internet people, that i can..

sort of

but i mean in person

NOPE

IMPOSSIBLE.

I'm reading a book called "Remember Me" Three books in one

By Christopher Pike or whatever his name is

i'm on chapter four or so

Pretty cool, so far.

Huge ass storm ripped through town the other day.

like HUGE
Lots of houses and buisnesses/buildings are flooded
i'm afraid to check out basement..

Damn mothes should go find another light, that's not my computer screen.

Fifteen; Ok, don't post. that's cool.

I went and hung out with Bradie and Lane (and Kiersten, for all of like.. an hour maybe)
LOADS of fun.

We stayed at Lane's till 3am.

I wasn't suppose to go sleep over at Bradie's house, but her mom gave in.

We called people between 2-3
people are seriously stupid. SHUT YOUR PHONES OFF.
if you know cruel people such as our selves.

Next day we went back to Lane's, hung out there for awhile
then walked to mcdonalds spent like an hour or two there
started walking back, but then we sat down on a bike road and waved at cars driving by.
105 people made some form of notion towards our waving.

3 gave us the middle finger
5 honks
the rest waves
prettttyy good.

then we walked back to Bradie's, i got my stuff and left
got home, called my mom
She was pissed that i didn't call her to tell her i was going to be spending the rest of the day with Bradie.
Fuck, Corban never calls and never gets in shit
i see how it is.
(i'm the loved one)
then the next day mom got all pissy with me again
i didn't talk to her till like
12 today
civily, without my "yea whatever" voice.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO TODAY
we spent it at the river
where water from the Kootenay lake and ... some other one mix
i rolled around in the mud like a pig.

go me?

burnt my arm i think.
mhm.

then we got home after hanging out there
life went on
6:30-8 rolled around
And i dozed in and out of conscious ness on the couch
i couldn't sleep last night
i normally don't take naps
i must have been REAL tired.

fourteen; I feel like i'm missing something, something big.

I have no clue as to what it is, though.

I'm still scared for my dog

We went to the lake today, it's October fest so there was A LOT of early-mid 20 year old people there. One guy kept grinning at me. He seemed like a really sweet guy, even though i hardly spoke with him. Aw well.

As it turns out, i was thinking of the wrong grandma.
I could wear black to the funeral!

so i did

and..

for the record

i felt very over dressed.

Maybe i'm just overly emotional today..

yea

maybe it was the heat too

since i'm burnt again..

lets just hope that it's that..

thirteen; To be honest.

I'm horrified.

I'm horrified of my dog dying

It scares me

she's going to bed really early

and becoming more and more tired

i want to cry everynight when she goes into her bed and i go to mine

i want to keep her with me, so she doesn't die alone.

I'm scared.

GRAH

tomorrow at two is Kylan's grandma's funeral.

since they're of a.. different.. origin, per say, i don't know if i should wear all black or not.

I'm going to anyway, i hope i don't offend anyone.

I have a few all black outfits i could wear

but all of them look more like.. Party outfits, not a funeral

lace kind of shirt and a black skirt.

Hope it will do.

I'm scared for my dog

i'm scared for my mom

i'm scared for my grandma

i'm scared for my life

i'm scared for my house

i'm just down right scared.

Why can't i worry about things that a normal teenager has to worry about?

Like whether or not my boyfriend is going to break up with me

or if i'm going to have enough minutes/texts

I'm so scared.

twelve; What do you tell an eight year old?

I asked Breanna if she'd like to talk to grandma because she'd love to say goodnight.

She was crying, saying she missed dad.

What do i say? "Do you think you can talk to her, she'd love to talk to you"

she shook her head.
FUCKING BAD SISTER, am i.

i came downstairs to continue talking to grandma, who was suppose to hang up like a half hour prior. AT LEAST

i should be up there with her. Ugh.

Some guy came and threatened Petite, asshat.
he pissed me off soo much!
i mean he's a stupid fucking ass
grahhhh

Going to the lake tomorrow, i'm pretty sure.

Wayne's son is here, Kaylin (how ever it's spelled), weird guy.

Eleven; First day of Summer School!

And i nearly got one unit finished! WHOO!
I'm going to class with this guy mom works with, who, for the record, she doesn't like.
Wonder if he'll reconize me..

I don't like getting up early to get ready for school.. in the summer.. i mean, it's so.. annoying!
NOTE TO SELF: Always eat before going to class. You get very hungry when you don't eat.
I'm going to look into a bus pass; cut my travle time in half, i'm sure.

Kylan's grandma ended up dying. May she RIP
We were told we were wanted at the funeral.
I have no problem with that, and i would be delighted to show my respects for such a wonderful woman.

Ten; Hey, dad, can I ask you a favour?

Welcome Kylan's grandma. Be kind to her.
Kylan's a friend of mine and my brother's, his grandma is probably going to pass away today/tomorrow. Kylan asked her to say hi to my dad.. Made my brother cry.
Super sweet old lady. It's always the nice ones.
FUCK OFF 2010. So many people i've known have died this year, or something tragic has happened to someone.

Turns out registration is tomorrow. Apparently we had to make appointments? Who knew.
10:15 AM, i think so!

A bird got stuck in my house today, that was a treat gettin' 'er out.

I feel horrible. I want to cry. I can't cry.
I wish I knew her better, i truely do.
I know she was a very sweet woman that had a huge heart.
But that's about it..
DAMN DAMN DAMN
we were told if we want we can go up to the hospital and say goodbye. Mom doesn't want to because she's sick (I guess she doesn't want to infect the hospital, i don't know.. everyone's sick there anyway... DON'T GIVE ME THAT TONE OF "you fucking idiot")

i'm so damn selfish.

Nine; Registration today!

That's right! Summer school registration, whooo! *very sarcastic*
I have two friends going in, but they both hate each other. It will be fun to see how this goes.
School starts tomorrow so i'll find out sooner than later.. Lovely.
Facebook is being a bitch, right now. Won't load a single thing!
After mom gets home from work this afternoon we're going to go get me a math book and stuff.
Hm, oh, I met this girl from Finland on Omegle last night, she seems to be a lot like me. Which. i don't know if that's good or not.
Aw well.
I found a whole wack load of new music! Hello 7,000 songs and counting. I'm still wondering where my "Recently Added" playlist went on iTunes.. It's very upsetting.

Eight; Kso

Right, Last night's post was more of a reminder to myself to post about the 29 year old Named Chris from Texas. I ended up talking to him on Omegle.
Super cool guy, that could actually spell and put words together to form a sentence.
He has no idea the impact he left. Not because he could spell, but because of the way he treated me. Which i hope doesn't sound weird.. He gave me a chance, and gave me pointers, per say. He seemed like an older, so more wise, experienced, male version of me.
Oh, jeesh. i wish he knew what he did for me last night.

IN OTHER NEWS
Corban's hanging out with Taylor, Needle and some guy. Only reason i'm actually able to be writing thing right now.
Um, we were going to go out to Eric's cabin again today. But, it's all nasty out right now so i doubt that'll be happening.

I went to Eclipse last night with Veronica and Sam. Luckily, we're not like other girls, and we were surrounded by old ladies. Which, for the record, made the movie for me. Their comments, and giggles, and "crying" completely made the movie for me. Same goes for that guy that sat beside me that jumped ten feet in the air. Good times, Good times.

I haven't spoken with Tyler in the passed few days. Hm, kind of sucks.

My burn is getting better! Sort of. It's at that nasty peeling stage now (slight TMI?).
I can actually sleep how ever i want now, though! How lovely.

Grah, Chris. Buddy. You made me feel so intelligent! and that i actually have a meaning. That i'm not just some stupid kid that can't get friends because i'm just a loser.
Maybe you were right.
Maybe i should go read that article you sent me.

Some guy from Brazil, who i also met on Omegle "Rated" me, baha. Ego killer.
6.5/10? Better than what i would have given myself, i guess.

Summer school regestration on Monday, classes start Tuesday. Oh boooyyy.

akjdasjkdksd. Hm, yep. Think that about sums up yesterday.
Maybe something interesting will happen today that i can post about later on.

Seven; Thanks

Just a reminder to myself
thanks 29 year old Chris from Texas
you have no idea the impact you had on me.
you're a great guy

Six; Happy Canada Day!

For the record, that picture wasn't taken today. It was when I was out at the cabin. I figured that since today was kind of a cloudy, icky day, that I might as well post something sunny ish!
As it turns out, luckily, Tyler isn't mad at me (I actually think he forgot my response.).
Nothing's new since my last post.
Other than the fact two boys have told me I'm really pretty, touching.
I call bullshit. They want in my pants.

Horny bastards.

Goodnight world.

Five; For the record, I'm sorry for being some scared little brat.

Oh, it sucks not trusting people easily. You end up taking it out on people who don't deserve it.
Jeesh. Sorry about that, buddy. I do care for you, I'm just scared of trusting you.

In other news!
I just got back from my friend's year end party. Also a slight going away party for another friend who has decided to move away. Never to be seen again.
Ah, it was a fun time. We went to the lake, swam a bit, went back to her house had supper, hung out. Good times.

The lake felt AMAZING on my burns. I can actually touch them now, and wear shirts with sleeves/straps and wear pants! It's quite lovely.
Sadly, my legs are starting to BURN again. Feels like my blood is like, boiling. GRAH.
I'm going to miss Lancy. She always put in an interesting input ino conversations, and such. It's sad that she has to go.

Speaking of summer activities, GUESS WHO'S GOING TO SUMMER SCHOOL. That's right. Me. Only for like, four weeks for two hours a day from Monday to Friday. Shouldn't be too bad.