Seventy nine; just breathe.

Thank you Ryan Star. I'm trying my best to take those words to heart.

Same exact day as last year, my anxiety hit. A week before my mom's birthday. It's different this time. So different.
My doctor referred me to go see Scott, my counsellor again. I'm also on the list to go see a psychiatrist.

I missed school.. Talked to the school counsellor about everything and he talked to my teachers. I'm freaking out. This is the first time I've been home alone and actually.. Had a problem with it.
My stomach is in knots, my heart is in my throat, trying to jump out and I keep randomly tearing up and crying the odd time.
I just want my mom to get home and to hold me. I'm 18 and I want my mommy. How pathetic.

Anyway, yesterday when I went and talked to my school counselor I stopped in to talk to me photography teacher, mrs Hayes, who has known about everything since the beginning. She went to the counselor with me.. And figuratively held my hand the whole time. After that I went back to her class and she stayed and talked to me for two hours after school. I don't think she knows how much that meant to me. It really helped.

How rude of me..
Happy birthday, dad. I miss you. I even had a glass of Pepsi for you. And chocolate pudding. I love you daddy.

And here's a little rant for you, dad.

Why did you leave me like that. Why didn't you leave me anything saying you loved me. Or that you regretted anything.. I just don't know. I just want to know you're proud of me and happy and love me. Why didn't you leave me with anything to know you love me. I don't even have a birthday card saying 'love dad'. Do you know how much that hurts? I have no proof you loved me. And I'm questioning it everyday that you're gone. Deep down I know you cared.. But I'm just so torn. I just need you. I want to know that you love me. It's just do hard. I really need you right now, daddy. Why can't this all be a lie. Please show up at grad, daddy. Please. You never have to talk to me again. Just show up for that day. Please. I just want to know you're alive and know what's going on. I know your ashes are in my room, but daddy. Please. Tell me it's all a lie.

The tears won't stop falling. And I don't know if I want them to. I just can't do this. It's getting so hard. I don't even know what to say. I'm afraid Corban and/or Breanna are going to get home and see me like this. But I don't want to go to my room and leave my dogs.. Or stop watching Brideday.


Au milieu de l'hiver j'ai découvert en moi un été invincible. But it's beginning to get harder an harder to find that invincible summer. I just need a little help. Just a bit.

Seventy Eight; welcome to the world

January 31st, 7:36pm. 21inches, 8lbs 9oz.
Parker Mason Townsend was born.

I have so much I want to say to you, Parker. But I don't know where to start. I haven't met you, and probably won't for awhile.. But I love you. I love you more than you know. I'm sorry I won't be there all the time to see you grow up, I'm sorry we probably won't get to be very close. But I do love you, and I'm going to try my best to see you whenever I can.

When your dad told me that your mom was pregnant, I was going through a very rough part of my life. And when I found out you would be born, I found another reason to keep on trying. Even though you're around 20hours away, you're still a reason for me to wake up with a smile on my face. I've never been more excited for the future.

I wish your grandad could be here, I wish he could see you. I'm sure you would love him, he was great. I actually had a dream of him the morning your mom's water broke. He wouldn't stop talking, and seemed VERY excited. It was a tough dream at first, but once your grandma told me that you were going to be born, it all made sense.

I'm so excited for your first Easter, Christmas, Halloween. Your first day of school, your graduation day. I'll try my best to be there to see you graduate and walk across that stage. I wish I could be there to hear you laugh, to do that baby babble all babies do... I wish I could curl up with you and watch a movie. Or even just tell you about your grandad.

I love you, Parker. And don't you forget it.