Seventy seven; as always.

Where to be begin..
With 'if I wasn't always right, maybe I wouldn't think this way' or with how I want to hurt myself OR about Sam?
Well, lets go with hurting myself. Then to Sam and so on and so forth.


So..
Is it bad that I imagine cutting? That I crave the bite of something sharp against my skin? Craving the Scarlet line of blood?
Probably.
But I can't bring myself to do it. Which is probably good.. But do I ever want to.
I gained weight. Five pounds. I got down to 137 ish and now I'm 141. Hey fatty, what's up?
Oh nothing. I'll just got be ugly forever. What would it matter? I'll be alone anyone. Who could possibly want me for the rest of their lives. No one. Why? 'Cause I'm one of those people that everyone puts up with. Whatever. I'll be a crazy cat lady or something.

Speaking of being alone.. This is sorta ish relevant ish.
So, I posted on Sam's wall on Facebook, being how we normally are to each other. She took it to heart and got kinda mad at me.
Whatever. Talked to Rob and Trish, apparently she's taking everything to heart. They told me to call her. So I texted her asking to FaceTime 'I can't for three weeks'. You can't squeeze me in for five minutes? K.
Whatever. Just whatever.
I'm done putting in effort.
I'm done with no one caring.

Then, people get mad at me 'cause... Well.. Plenty of reasons. I'm by no means perfect. But I keep guessing things and they always happen. Like people leaving me.. Am I pushing them away by trying to get closer? I don't know.

I'm really afraid I'll be alone forever. That's the last thing I could ever want.

Found out my nephew is due to be born on the 3rd of February. His name will be Parker Mason. Not sure how I feel about the name, but whatever. I hope he loves me. He's part of the only reason I'm still going. I want to meet him.. To love him.. To be a part of his life.

I'm just tired.
I don't want to try anymore.
I'm done fighting off the depression, the anxiety.
Why can't it just come full force again so I can drown in it.

I'm so whiney. It's a temporary problem.. But it sure doesn't feel like it.

Also side note: got my belly button pierced on Monday. I know. Yuck.

Seventy six; feeling kinda indifferent.

Told someone how I felt.
Kinda.
Feelings weren't exactly returned I guess.
Hurt more than I expected.
Whatever. I'll just.. Whatever.
I wish I knew exactly how he felt about me.
But I won't.. Whatever.
He'll leave. They always do.

I'm so.. Blah.
I'm tired.
Kind of happy.
But more upset.
I miss people.
I hate people.
I'm just kind of lost.
I need something to do.

Kaitlyn and I are going to the hockey game tonight. Should be good. I hope.

ManWoman was given two weeks to three months to live. The thought of us losing such an amazing artist.. Is crazy.

I'm so selfish.
Annoying.
Stupid.
Dumb.
I should just shut up and leave.
Go somewhere.. I don't know where. But somewhere.