Seventy two; a welcome feeling.

The anxiety is creeping up again. So is the depression. I'm sitting in class, looking for all the exits even though I know nothing is going to happen.
I'm looking at the clock, fidgeting anxiously waiting for the bell to go so i can go to my next class.
I'm nearly happy to feel this familiar feeling. It's easier this way. Nothing can hurt me, I'm already as low as I can get. I don't know if I even want to be happy. I just crash anyway.
I've been going up and hiding in my room again.
Cowering away. Waiting.
My heart keeps racing.
I can't stand still.
I've been catching myself rocking from foot to foot.
Right now my heart is in my throat.
I've only just gotten out of the shower, gotten my outfit for tomorrow ready, and laid down, nearly ready for bed.
Yet, I'm waiting.
I don't want to go to school. I'm having problems finding motivation.
It's starting so soon.
Why don't I want to be happy?
I can't be helped if I don't want it.
I'm so confused.
Take these feelings away, no, let them stay. I don't know.

Seventy one; I think..

I'm bipolar.
I don't mean that in the "Ahahaha. Teenaged pms! Ahahaha".
I mean legitimately bipolar. I looked it up.. And if just seems to make sense. I've been reading alllll about it on the Internet. I know that isn't for sure or anything. But it makes sense.

I'm also pretty sure I may like someone more than I thought. I dislike that.

We might get Sky in the spring. Sandy is moving and may not be able to take her with. And she knows we love her and will take good care of her.

I'm so lost right now.

Seventy; is it bad...

That I miss the anxiety? The depression? The longing to feel normal?
I go through moments where i'm just.. So sad. Or I feel like i'm going to have an anxiety attack. But when those moments go, I feel empty. I don't know how to feel, or anything.

I just miss the loneliness, being able to stay home and hide in my room.
I don't know.
I don't get it.

I just don't feel right.