Sixty four; more random ramblings

How many girls hear the same speech I receive. How many get told they're amazing, lovable, great, the best or that they're even loves. How many are getting the same speech as me. How many are using me. And others. I don't know. I don't want to know. It just scares me. Kinda upsets me. Makes me lose hope. Whatever.

I'm officially a published photographer. That was probably one of the most pain in the ass jobs I've had. Not because of the work, but my boss and girl I worked with. It sucked.
Such as life. Ya have to deal with people you don't like.

I'm tired. Really tired
And burnt.
Went to the lake with Kaitlyn, Brittany and Sam today. It was fun I guess. I felt fat. But that's ok. It's only the truth

I should sleep.
I think I'll sleep all day tomorrow.
Sounds fun.
Yea..

Sixty three; bunch of rambling.

I just want to get my thoughts out.

Things aren't going well for me.
I can feel the depression coming back.
I just want to sleep.
Curl up in a ball and die even.
There's so much I want to accomplish but.. It doesn't matter.
I hurt.
I'm jealous.
I'm possessive.
I can't trust.
It hurts.

I open up and get a good response, but then I learn the truth.
I feel like a piece of meat. All anybody could ever want from me is some pictures or sex. And that's saying something considering how ugly I am. What a horrible body I have. I hate myself. I wish I wasn't me.

Speaking of bodies, britt has gotten to be a stick again. She has no curves normally. But now she's do skinny her sides are sucked in, her stomach is practically concave, her hips protrude like no other. Her spine and ribs show. You can pretty much see her organs through her skin.

I wish I had the will power to be anorexic like she does.. I don't want to be that scary thin or anything. But man.

LaSenza is closing. Ughhh. Now where am I suppose to get bras for my fucked up boobs. Whatever.

Might have a job. I don't want to fuck up. Whatever.

I feel whiney. It could be worse. I wish it was worse. I wish I had a reason to feel like shit.
What's my excuse? My dad died. Boo hoo. Nearly eight fucking years ago. My mom married a man I hated. He hardly did anything. Yet I find myself with less and less trust for men.

I want to cry. But then I want to hit myself for being so dumb. I have no problems. Screw that.
Ugh.
What can I do..
I find no pleasure in anything anymore.
I just want to be happy.
Or to die.
Whatever.

That's life.. I'll grow out of it I'm sure.