Hasn't it been forever?
I keep wanting to make a post, but someone's around or i have nothing to say.
None of my family know that i have a blog, and i intend on keeping it that way.
Well, Britt and I had gotten close over the summer, things were looking up.
Even though Sam left, we stayed in touch VIA FaceTime and Skype.
Kaitlyn was.. Kaitlyn.
I drooled at number 3 from a far.
Life was.. teenaged.
Now?
Well, Britt and i were.. doing really well, we were getting really close, until Christmas break ended. Then suddenly she and Kaitlyn started getting mad at me for no reason. I mean normally, i know that i had some doing.. But this is my blog where I'm 100% truthful with myself, and i can honestly say.. I have no idea what i did. But they would get mad at me and leave me alone at lunch and all that.
Things are nearly back to normal now, but they still get mad at me randomly.
Sam and I hardly stay in touch anymore, we talk once a month if we're lucky. I miss having her around. I miss actually having someone to talk to. Even though she will never get to know what went on in my head with guys.. Well, guys from the Internet anyway.
Now, speaking of Internet guys..
Why do i have such a thing for them? Is it because i feel like they can't hurt me like someone who lived here? Is it because they give me a chance? Is it because i can be myself? I don't know.. I just know that i keep becoming friends with men off the Internet, i end up really wishing i could actually know them.. Then things go down hill from there. But what can you do? It's not like anything could become of a long distance friendship. I mean, it's nice having someone i can virtually tell anything to because i don't have to worry about their judgement, they're not here. It doesn't matter. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt..
Kaitlyn, has become a whore. I don't know if i mentioned her and Nathan in any of my last posts.. so here's the story:
Kaitlyn was spending time with Nathan over the summer. They started to hang out.. a lot. Eventually by themselves. He invited her over one night, she snuck out, they hooked up.. or at least they got as far as you can without actually going ALL the way. She decided he raped her.. Which is obviously impossible, and he didn't she only says it because she regrets it. Or so she says. She told me not to tell anyone. So what does she do? Pretty much tells everyone. Her and Nathan stopped talking eventually. Nathan texted her again recently, asking if she wanted to hang out. She said she wasn't going to do anything with anyone until they took her out, and actually dated her. She THEN texted him saying she regretted what happened, which i don't know about you.. but if i was a dude, that would have kinda killed my ego. But that's not it, a few days later she texted him asking him to pretty much be her fuck buddy. Doesn't that seem like a bit of a mixed signal to you? I pity the guy, first she tells him she regrets it and wishes it never happened, to then tell him she wants to go further.. Right.. ok.. No news on how that's gone so far.
Paul started talking to mom again. He messaged her little things like 'hi.' She ignored him. He messaged me 'Boo.' i messaged him back saying 'You don't know your boundaries do you?' He hasn't spoken to me since. Mom on the other hand, i swear he's trying to get her back. GOOD LUCK BUDDY. He's constantly asking how she is, and saying she should pamper herself. Well, asshat, thanks to you the word 'pamper' doesn't exist for us. We're still trying to dig ourselves out of the rut you got us in. Thanks. He's also saying that if she needs to talk about anything he's there. You have no idea how much this.. infuriates me. How badly i wish he'd talk to me. I don't know what I'd say, or what he'd say. But damn, i want to rip a strip off of him. Make him realize I'm not someone to be reckoned with. Verbally, anyway. 'Cause damn.. I need to rant. and it'll be on his ass. just he wait..
Kelly's son passed away. Corey, at.. 23 years of age i do believe. He just had brain surgery about a year ago. Corban and i were at Kelly's and Jean's house when they got the call. I felt so bad, we were there for cinnamon buns and i was getting a hockey ticket. It was... Horrible. What do you say to someone who just lost a son? Nothing. "I'm Sorry" is nothing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's nothing. Corban hugged him first, then i hugged him. He didn't punch my arm, didn't squeeze me till i couldn't breathe. None of the normal rough-housing relationship kinda stuff that we normally do.. That's how you knew how badly he was hurting. He didn't show it, he didn't cry, he didn't say anything. He just stood there. In shock.
He hasn't gotten much better now, and it's been a week +. But i can't blame him. I'm not judging him and his healing process. I know what it's like to lose a loved one, it's not an easy thing. And it won't be healed for many years. But damn, i hate seeing him like this. He's my second dad, he was the strong one in my life. He held me when dad was in the hospital, he was my ankor and didn't even know it. I didn't know how much he has influenced me or how much he has done for me until the last little while.
Jeeze Kelly, please, please..
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Everything seems like it's crumbling.
Everything I've gotten over, is coming back.
Everything that had gotten better, is worse.
I want to cry all the time, but I can't.
My anxiety is back, i didn't go to school from Tuesday-Friday.
I'm going to be so far behind.. What am i going to do?
I have a doctors appointment Monday.. see if i can get on some medication that Kelly's on for anxiety. I don't know how i feel about it.
I don't want to go to school.
I want to just curl up and.. sleep.
That's all. Just sleep.
I'm so sad, and scared, and... Like how i used to be.
I don't want to be going back down this path. I want to be happy, i want to enjoy my grade 11 year. I don't want to spend my nights crying, or having a panic attack. I don't want to feel like how i do now; Crying, feeling panicky, just wanting to find someone to hold me..
Tuesday, mom's birthday, i woke up and pretty much instantly started crying. I washed my face; crying. Got dressed; crying. Sat in my room; crying. Went downstairs, crying and shaking, mom said i didn't have to go to bed. That night, i had another panic attack, mom said i didn't have to go to school on Wednesday. I didn't. I slept in. Wednesday night, another panic attack. Thursday, same thing as Wednesday. Thursday was the same, but an even worse panic attack. I was crying, shaking, hyperventilating. Mom held me. She said she hated seeing me like this. I don't know if she knew just how bad it was. She said we could either go to the hospital or go to the doctor's on Monday. I asked what the hospital would do. They'd talk to me, that's what. Throw me in the psych ward for the night maybe. Watch me. Tell me I'm fine and send me home. I opted for the doctor's appointment. Friday i was ok until around 1am.. Then i sat on my bed and cried. Not a lot. Not loud snotty tears, but a few. That's nearly the same as it is tonight.. But so many more tears. So, so many more.
What's going on?
i don't know.. I just want to have a normal teenaged life.
I want to get a boyfriend that i can fuss over, then have break my heart.
I want to have friends that treated me well, and the only fights we had were over who's pants looked best, and who saw the boy first.
I don't want to have to think about money, i don't want to think about my mother's ex husbands. I don't want to care about my weight anymore. I don't want to miss my dad. I don't want to have anxiety attacks that seem to come out of no where. I want to be happy. I want to be ok.
Is that so much to ask?
Apparently.
On a lighter, still vaguely related note.
I've decided on another tattoo i want.
I want it to say 'Ce qui ne me tue pas me rend plus fort'
which pretty much means 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger' I was hoping for you instead of me, but hey. Close enough.
It really is a saying I've lived by. I mean, i lived through watching my dad slowly die in front of me, i lived through my step dad, i lived through anxiety (and still battling it), I've lived through depression, and I've lived through anorexia. All these things have made me who i am today, and I'm proud of who i have become as a person (This seems to be contradicting what i said in my previous mental-breakdown-paragraph). I can say that it has made me a stronger person, someone i hope i will be proud of in the future.
I want it probably on my neck, like the back kind of where it hits my back? Yea, i love my scientific terms too.
I think i would like to get it more than a picture.. It seems more simple, smaller. Something that has meaning, but.. just.. yea.
Life will move on.
I will be fine.
This is only one day.
I'm one person.
I'm only a kid.
Things get better.
I just need to breathe..
