It's been quite awhile since I last posted. Years, even.
So much has changed.
Yet so little.
Nah, actually everything is different.
It isn't like I have a fan base, so I don't necessarily have to explain.
I don't even know where to start.
The heartache I've had since my last post.
Both from a few guys, or just from missing my dad.
Today's post though, is a mix of a lot.
Like how I'm nobody's number one.
Never have been.
So why would I ever be.
I met this guy, nearly exactly a year ago.
We've slept together a few times, and for some reason I keep expecting more.
He's told me multiple times not to expect anything. That nothing will happen.
He's such a great guy. But doesn't want a relationship.
He's fucked up too many times before.
Now he's into some other lady.
Of course.
Which brings me to my problem.
My biggest, hardest thing I've had to deal with lately.
I'm nobody's first thought.
I'm nobody's number one.
Nobody actually cares.
If I were to leave. Who would notice.
Not being anybody's number one, means they always have someone more important to replace me.
I'm not the best at anything.
I'm not the best at making my friends smile.
Not the best at making them laugh.
Sometimes...
Actually most times these days,
I wonder what the point is.
What's keeping me alive is my mom not being able to afford my funeral.
Or be able to afford to live without me in general, ya know, since I pay a bit of the bills.
I'm going to ask my psych to get me another counsellor.
One I like this time.
I don't want to live, but I don't want to die.
Where do you go with that.
Just knock me out. Go into acoma.
I'm lost. Where do I go and what do I do.
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