Fifty five; day three..

Day three of not hearing from Tyler. I'm going to take that as a "we're over". That's what I'm taking it as unless he comes back with a perfectly legit reason for disappearing.

On a happier note.. We bought some great red nail polish. It's a beautiful colour. I'm so happy we finally got a nice red. Kind of an apple red. Toes and fingers be painted!

We also bought a new computer chair for Corban, and we did a dump run. So we dumped a whole bunch of stuff. I think I should probably finish cleaning my room sometime.. But I don't want to be at home. I want to be out, I want to be distracted. I don't want to be left with my thoughts.

I'm looking into trucks on kijiji. I'm looking at prices and trying to figure out what I do and don't want. It's fun. It's a good distraction.

so Brittany got a boyfriend, Marshall. She pretty much has ditched us for him. Said she'd rather be with him 'cause he is the best person ever and such. Ohhhh.. Teenagers.

Boring days, boring days.

Fifty four; I'm astoundingly selfish.

A lot has happened since my last post. Internet guy disappeared. But that was ok since my other long time Internet crush came back, Tyler. We would Skype practically everyday. We would talk everyday. But now he's kinda been ignoring me. Which really worries me. So I sent him a message that probably makes me look like an over sensitive female. I keep imagining him telling me it's all in my head and that he does care.. But then I want to slap myself for getting my own hopes up. Damn. This is why I try not to care too much about People. They just throw it right back in your face. I don't like feeling the burn of a loss. I don't like the thought of being hurt again. But who does?I don't know.

My anxiety made me miss nearly 2months of school. I have no desire to catch up.. I don't feel like I'm worth it. I'm not smart enough, I don't deserve my teachers help. Mrs Hayes and Ms LeGrandeur were both too nice and understanding. I don't deserve it. They should just tell me to suck it up and move on. I'm a teenager, what kind of problems do I have? Nothing. I'm just selfish. I don't deserve their kindness. I don't deserve anything. I hate myself. I feel so depressed. I want to change myself. Lose weight, become desirable. Become worthy. But why bother? I'm not worth it.

When I was put on Prozac I was put on 10mg to start with. Now I'm up to 40mg. The top dose is 60. My doctor said that if he has to bump up my dosage one more time he was going to refer me to a counsellor. Again.
But why do that? There's so many people who need it more than me.
I'm just an over sensitive kid. All I do is whine. I don't want to waste more of their time. I really don't. I'm not that selfish.

I don't deserve anything good.
I don't deserve to be loved, the one thing I want most in life.
I don't deserve to be happy. I have no desire to be happy.
I do deserve to be ugly, like I already am.
I deserve the fact that I'm overweight and I can't lose weight unless I stop eating.
Maybe I should stop eating and just become scary skinny.
Yea right.

I don't want to be here.
I need some comfort.
That's all I want.
But I have no one to talk to.
My friends don't care, and I couldn't tell them anyway.
I could tell my mom.. But.. She'd blame the medicine.
Little does she know that this has been going on for longer than that.
I'll just be a whiney teenager here and make you poor souls put up with me.
Maybe I'll just stay in my room until I have to leave..
No one should have to see me.

I got some blood tests done, and now I go for an ultra sound. Woooo.. Gull bladder problems acting up again! Wooo! I feel bad, people need these tests more than me.

I feel so selfish.
Here I am, mostly fine an healthy but I don't want to be here.
Death seems kinda nice.
But then I have a funeral of a man who did not wish to die to go to on Friday.
There are so many people, who don't want to die but do.
Like my dad.
Then there's me, I have a "whole life ahead of me" but I don't really have any desire to see it.
Why should I? I'm sure it's just full of pain.
That's it.

I was finally smart enough and got the blogger app for my iPod instead of just going on safari and such on here.
Took me long enough.
Maybe now I'll post more.
It's easier and it feels good to rant.
Putting it somewhere that people can read is so much more.. Relaxing than writing a diary. No one would read that.
Here, there's a chance. Someone might see something and might actually have some advice.

I think I'm nearly out of tears now.
I can't believe I let one boy have such an effect. A dominos effect even.
From freaking out about possibly losing the guy I really think I love.. More than any other guy to realizing I'm worthless and not worth anyway.

I'm sorry. Really.

Fifty three; first post made with my iPod!

Let's see how this goes.

So I never actually thought people read this thing. So when I was told to check my comments to watch out for spam and such, I decided to check. I didn't think people actually read and commented on this. Oh goodness, how embarrassing! But still kind of nice to see that there are people out there who care.

I'll probably forget that people read this and won't start filtering my thoughts. But this one suddenly lost a whole heck of a lot of content..

Um..

Right. So.

Last Sunday or so mom and I walked in on Corban and his girlfriend.. Doing things on the couch. My brother is a man. And I couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the night, at his expense.

As i think I said in my last post, my anxiety was getting really bad. I missed nearly a whole week of school. It wasn't good. So mom took me to the doctors, my panic attacks were starting to scare her. He made me take a few tests, since apparently anxiety and depression can go hand in hand. The tests were "in the passed two weeks have you...." then rare them out of four. Four being the highest (happened a lot).

Obviously I couldn't be 100% honest about it since my mom was sitting right beside me. But I tried to be. I was put in the "mildly - moderately depressed" section. Which I wouldn't disagree with.

He put me on Prozac. The one drug my mom didn't want me on. She knew too many people who went.. Completely different when they were on it.

So far so good.

Back to my problem with Internet guys..

I met yet another. BUT this one is four hours away. And I visit there at least once a year.

I mentioned that we were heading down this spring break and he asked if he would be getting a visit. I was flattered he that he actually wanted one! (I asked. I didn't just infer). But I said no, I mean he's off the Internet and we just started talking. We shall see how badly this will kill my self esteem in the future.

Paul has been wondering around again. Talking to mom. Creepy asshat needs to leave us alone. I really would do virtually anything to get him away from us.

Teachers are on strike. No school.

My sleep schedule has been screwed up, so this is good.

Thanks stress!

I should stop procrastinating and do my homework. But that sounds too easy. I like making my life even more difficult.

Well.. That's it for now I guess.

Fifty two and a half?; I forgot stuff.

SO.
i forgot to mention..
I did get the job at walmart..
In November.

I really liked it, when i wasn't screwing up.
I ended up working in Wireless, so mostly in electronics..
I sold phones.

It was great, i mean i didn't work with the guys in the back that i really enjoy being around, but i met a new group of people. I originally thought they were kind of a little bit.. jerk-ish.. but they were all really nice once i got to know them.

As far as i can remember, Lakisha was a little upset that i didn't stick it out, but she didn't' like the managers and had heard bad things about working there anyway. So it was ok.

I did get laid off from WalMart, just because i was a temporary and not in a very.. important (?) position, so they couldn't keep me. Not for lack of trying though. Those great people <3

Mom wants me to reapply, and i will.. eventually. I'm just not emotionally ready to have a job right now. Obviously going by my last post..

Bikes, we're waiting on the word. Some other people have applied, but we still may get it.
They know how we work, they know we do it well.
SO who knows..

I got a new camera. Dear me, it's my baby. It's another silly Fuji Film. But i bought it, for 200$. It's all mine.

Um, yea.. I think that's about all that i missed.
hopefully..

This is kind of like something i read back on and wonder what i was thinking..
Since like no one reads this thing.

Now for future reference of songs to look back on:
A drop in the ocean - Ron Pope
Bite my tongue - You Me At Six
Whatever happened to you - Every Avenue
Only place i call home - Every Avenue
Beautiful Girl- Broken Iris


As for the picture.. I actually felt kinda pretty that day. i have a few pictures that made me look less like a broken-out teenager.. But hey, i feel kinda shitty.. and a little bit lost so why not have a picture that reflects that a little more than something that makes me look happier and more content?

Fifty Two; Well..

Hasn't it been forever?
I keep wanting to make a post, but someone's around or i have nothing to say.
None of my family know that i have a blog, and i intend on keeping it that way.

Well, Britt and I had gotten close over the summer, things were looking up.
Even though Sam left, we stayed in touch VIA FaceTime and Skype.
Kaitlyn was.. Kaitlyn.
I drooled at number 3 from a far.
Life was.. teenaged.

Now?
Well, Britt and i were.. doing really well, we were getting really close, until Christmas break ended. Then suddenly she and Kaitlyn started getting mad at me for no reason. I mean normally, i know that i had some doing.. But this is my blog where I'm 100% truthful with myself, and i can honestly say.. I have no idea what i did. But they would get mad at me and leave me alone at lunch and all that.
Things are nearly back to normal now, but they still get mad at me randomly.

Sam and I hardly stay in touch anymore, we talk once a month if we're lucky. I miss having her around. I miss actually having someone to talk to. Even though she will never get to know what went on in my head with guys.. Well, guys from the Internet anyway.

Now, speaking of Internet guys..
Why do i have such a thing for them? Is it because i feel like they can't hurt me like someone who lived here? Is it because they give me a chance? Is it because i can be myself? I don't know.. I just know that i keep becoming friends with men off the Internet, i end up really wishing i could actually know them.. Then things go down hill from there. But what can you do? It's not like anything could become of a long distance friendship. I mean, it's nice having someone i can virtually tell anything to because i don't have to worry about their judgement, they're not here. It doesn't matter. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt..

Kaitlyn, has become a whore. I don't know if i mentioned her and Nathan in any of my last posts.. so here's the story:
Kaitlyn was spending time with Nathan over the summer. They started to hang out.. a lot. Eventually by themselves. He invited her over one night, she snuck out, they hooked up.. or at least they got as far as you can without actually going ALL the way. She decided he raped her.. Which is obviously impossible, and he didn't she only says it because she regrets it. Or so she says. She told me not to tell anyone. So what does she do? Pretty much tells everyone. Her and Nathan stopped talking eventually. Nathan texted her again recently, asking if she wanted to hang out. She said she wasn't going to do anything with anyone until they took her out, and actually dated her. She THEN texted him saying she regretted what happened, which i don't know about you.. but if i was a dude, that would have kinda killed my ego. But that's not it, a few days later she texted him asking him to pretty much be her fuck buddy. Doesn't that seem like a bit of a mixed signal to you? I pity the guy, first she tells him she regrets it and wishes it never happened, to then tell him she wants to go further.. Right.. ok.. No news on how that's gone so far.

Paul started talking to mom again. He messaged her little things like 'hi.' She ignored him. He messaged me 'Boo.' i messaged him back saying 'You don't know your boundaries do you?' He hasn't spoken to me since. Mom on the other hand, i swear he's trying to get her back. GOOD LUCK BUDDY. He's constantly asking how she is, and saying she should pamper herself. Well, asshat, thanks to you the word 'pamper' doesn't exist for us. We're still trying to dig ourselves out of the rut you got us in. Thanks. He's also saying that if she needs to talk about anything he's there. You have no idea how much this.. infuriates me. How badly i wish he'd talk to me. I don't know what I'd say, or what he'd say. But damn, i want to rip a strip off of him. Make him realize I'm not someone to be reckoned with. Verbally, anyway. 'Cause damn.. I need to rant. and it'll be on his ass. just he wait..

Kelly's son passed away. Corey, at.. 23 years of age i do believe. He just had brain surgery about a year ago. Corban and i were at Kelly's and Jean's house when they got the call. I felt so bad, we were there for cinnamon buns and i was getting a hockey ticket. It was... Horrible. What do you say to someone who just lost a son? Nothing. "I'm Sorry" is nothing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's nothing. Corban hugged him first, then i hugged him. He didn't punch my arm, didn't squeeze me till i couldn't breathe. None of the normal rough-housing relationship kinda stuff that we normally do.. That's how you knew how badly he was hurting. He didn't show it, he didn't cry, he didn't say anything. He just stood there. In shock.
He hasn't gotten much better now, and it's been a week +. But i can't blame him. I'm not judging him and his healing process. I know what it's like to lose a loved one, it's not an easy thing. And it won't be healed for many years. But damn, i hate seeing him like this. He's my second dad, he was the strong one in my life. He held me when dad was in the hospital, he was my ankor and didn't even know it. I didn't know how much he has influenced me or how much he has done for me until the last little while.
Jeeze Kelly, please, please..

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Everything seems like it's crumbling.
Everything I've gotten over, is coming back.
Everything that had gotten better, is worse.
I want to cry all the time, but I can't.
My anxiety is back, i didn't go to school from Tuesday-Friday.
I'm going to be so far behind.. What am i going to do?
I have a doctors appointment Monday.. see if i can get on some medication that Kelly's on for anxiety. I don't know how i feel about it.
I don't want to go to school.
I want to just curl up and.. sleep.
That's all. Just sleep.
I'm so sad, and scared, and... Like how i used to be.
I don't want to be going back down this path. I want to be happy, i want to enjoy my grade 11 year. I don't want to spend my nights crying, or having a panic attack. I don't want to feel like how i do now; Crying, feeling panicky, just wanting to find someone to hold me..

Tuesday, mom's birthday, i woke up and pretty much instantly started crying. I washed my face; crying. Got dressed; crying. Sat in my room; crying. Went downstairs, crying and shaking, mom said i didn't have to go to bed. That night, i had another panic attack, mom said i didn't have to go to school on Wednesday. I didn't. I slept in. Wednesday night, another panic attack. Thursday, same thing as Wednesday. Thursday was the same, but an even worse panic attack. I was crying, shaking, hyperventilating. Mom held me. She said she hated seeing me like this. I don't know if she knew just how bad it was. She said we could either go to the hospital or go to the doctor's on Monday. I asked what the hospital would do. They'd talk to me, that's what. Throw me in the psych ward for the night maybe. Watch me. Tell me I'm fine and send me home. I opted for the doctor's appointment. Friday i was ok until around 1am.. Then i sat on my bed and cried. Not a lot. Not loud snotty tears, but a few. That's nearly the same as it is tonight.. But so many more tears. So, so many more.

What's going on?
i don't know.. I just want to have a normal teenaged life.
I want to get a boyfriend that i can fuss over, then have break my heart.
I want to have friends that treated me well, and the only fights we had were over who's pants looked best, and who saw the boy first.
I don't want to have to think about money, i don't want to think about my mother's ex husbands. I don't want to care about my weight anymore. I don't want to miss my dad. I don't want to have anxiety attacks that seem to come out of no where. I want to be happy. I want to be ok.

Is that so much to ask?
Apparently.


On a lighter, still vaguely related note.
I've decided on another tattoo i want.
I want it to say 'Ce qui ne me tue pas me rend plus fort'
which pretty much means 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger' I was hoping for you instead of me, but hey. Close enough.
It really is a saying I've lived by. I mean, i lived through watching my dad slowly die in front of me, i lived through my step dad, i lived through anxiety (and still battling it), I've lived through depression, and I've lived through anorexia. All these things have made me who i am today, and I'm proud of who i have become as a person (This seems to be contradicting what i said in my previous mental-breakdown-paragraph). I can say that it has made me a stronger person, someone i hope i will be proud of in the future.

I want it probably on my neck, like the back kind of where it hits my back? Yea, i love my scientific terms too.
I think i would like to get it more than a picture.. It seems more simple, smaller. Something that has meaning, but.. just.. yea.

Life will move on.
I will be fine.
This is only one day.
I'm one person.
I'm only a kid.

Things get better.
I just need to breathe..

Fifty One; Well..

To start it off, I went to Lethbridge with my art class to go check out a gallery/the university and do some shopping.

The Gallery was really boring, 90% of the university stuff was kind of dull but shopping and coming home was pretty fun.

So, I'm not sure if I mentioned my new love for hockey in my last post, but I have really gotten into it this year. I missed last night's game because of being away in Lethbridge but I went to their first, which was great. Fire works went off and everything for the banners and the showing of the trophy and all that.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned how my favourite players last year were number 25 and 7.

Well, King (7) had to retire since he turned 20 (silly WHL rules). So I got a new favourite, number 3.

He was one of my favourites probably just because he was in my math class (kind of cute) and I don't know… closer to my age.

Well, my friend added him on facebook just for shits and giggles when I mentioned I wanted to get the guts up to talk to him, he added her.

My other friend added him too.

He added her.

I added him, he added me…

But here's the kicker.

He deleted me.

Not them, just me.

I'm unsure as to why.

He just did, so now my little hope of ever talking to him has gone down the drain.

What can I say, I'm easily discouraged?

Its kind of mind blowing just how disappointed I am about this.

I mean, it's not like I ever got to know him or anything. It was all sort of a day dream.

God dammit.

I don't see why I bother with actually having hope for talking to a guy.

My insecurities always seem to get in the way.

Or maybe my insecurities are legit flaws that everyone else seems to dislike too.

Who knows.

Either way, this disappoints me. Now I have to go and see if I can find some guy that catches my eye. Hopefully another hockey player. Their height and such just… <3

Yea, not much is new beside my slight slap in the face.

I did a french and biology test today.

I'm not sure if I'm doing my math test tomorrow or what, the teacher seems to have forgotten about it.

Apparently Mme. Bedard has missed a lot of school because she has been getting tested to see why she can't get pregnant. Which would explain a lot.

We also had a big class discussion of how we all need to grow up and actually try in class along with not complaining as much about every little thing.

Yep, I think that's it.

I'm going to go be a melodramatic teenager somewhere else.

Fifty; I think..

So apparently the journal before this one didn't post, so sorry for the late… update.

ANYWAY.

I hate being a girl.

So hormonal.

And… stuff.

examples:

Sam really seems to be liking Maple Ridge, which kind of made me sad.

Maybe she won't want to come back next year.

Maybe I just lost a good friend.

Or maybe I'm just a selfish girl.

Brittany and Kaitlyn have been driving me UP THE FUCKING WALL DEAR GOD.

or something.

I don't know what's up, maybe it's just my hormones.

But they say hi and I instantly want to walk away.

Maybe it's the way the ignore me, talk down to me, etc.

Who knows.

Did I tell ya I got my ears pierced again?

I don't think so.

The picture is kind of hard to see…

But yea, that shows most of my piercings.

I can't stop listening to 'My World - SR-71'

Oh my <3

I've been contemplating a twin tattoo with Corban.

We're just unsure of what to get.

With or without him though, when we turn 18 I'm getting a tattoo.

I'm pretty stoked for the 27th.

My art class is going to Lethbridge.

I've never been there before.

So I'm pretty excited, that and i want to see the college/university there.

Not like I'm going to end up going…

But I can dream.

I'm also kind of excited for Halloween.

OH. Yea.

There's something Britt and Kait have been bugging me with.

They were going to dress like whores for halloween.

Britt was going to go in a "sexy dress" and Kaitlyn was going to go in a corset nightgown from LaSenza?

What the hell?

THEY'RE HOW OLD?

Seems to me like they're calling a rapist.

BUT WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT.

Anyway, Halloween.

I've decided on my make up…

Kinda.

But not what to be or what to wear.

I know I want to do my make up all over the top, from red and black eyeshadow with fake eyelashes to… probably bright red lipstick.

Who knows.

I'll figure it out.

I might just do my makeup and then figure it out from there.

Soooo…

I think that's about it.

mhmm.