Sixty nine; little late.

So I figured I would tell you guys I got my prom dress. I got it on like.. Theee.. 1st or so. I love it. So much. I got it at the local dress shop here. I'm so excited for prom now.

I took my medicine, but then I took two midol. big mistake. Knocked me out for a few hours.

I'm not sure how I feel.
I had a dream about my dad last night.. Then today I was talking to my mom about this girl and how she is with the dad of her kid (who she is no longer with). My mom said the only reason she would have divorced my dad would have been for a reason that made it so he could never see us again. That caused a pang of hope.
I'm still in denial. I'm not sure how to come to terms with this. At has been 8 years.. How can I not.. I don't know. Anyone have any tips?

On the 28th, when I went and looked at dresses with Kaitlyn for prom, we went to the cancer ward afterwards. I kinda felt like it was.. A sign. Maybe. From my dad. Probably not.. But I like to think so.

I miss his voice. So much.
Ugh.

I'm so, blah. Not happy, not sad, but kinda.. Numb.
I don't know why. I was doing so well. Now I'm just so.. Iffy.

On the 17th I go for my L test. Then everyone can lay off my ass about it. That's exciting.

I'm tired.
I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Sixty eight; while my guitar gently weeps

No matter how much I cry.
How much I beg.
How much I pray.
How much I plead.
He isn't coming back.

No matter how much I want him
How much I need him
How much I miss him
How much I deserve him.
He isn't coming back.

I believe he can.
Maybe he can't.
But I believe he can.
I hope he can.
I wish he can.
Why can't it all be a lie.
Why can't everything be a lie.
Why can't the last eight years not be true.

I just want my dad.
I just miss my dad.
I deserve a dad in my life.
I want my dad back.
I feel empty without him.
I need him.

Daddy..
I can't stop crying.
I just randomly started to think about if you were to come back saying you had no choice. That you're back now.
I want to feel your arms around me.
I need a hug.
A really long hug.
Daddy. Please.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I need you.
Daddy, please. Please please.

Are you proud of me?
What should I change?
What should I never change?
Do you approve?
What do you think of me?
I just want to know that you are out there somewhere.
I just want to know you still love me.
I want to know you still remember me.
Can you hear any of this?
Can you see it?

I don't know what I believe anymore, daddy.
But god damn do I hope there's an afterlife. I hope I can see you. I hope you can hug me. I hope you know how much I miss you.

The tears won't stop.
The years won't go by faster.
I miss you more everyday.
What can I do?
I love mom. I'm so so glad we have her.
But daddy..

I've come to terms you won't walk me down the isle, you won't be there for grad, we won't have a father daughter dance. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to.
I just want your arms around me.
I want to fight.
I want to laugh.
I want to smile.
I want to be with you.

I know it all sounds so bad. But I just want to curl up on the couch and watch wrestling or train 48 with you again. I want you to get mad at me for my smartass comments.
I want you to tell you everything. I want to cry as we have a father daughter bonding moment. I want you to hold me while you plot the demise of the boy who broke my heart.
I just want those experiences.
Please daddy. Please.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I just sit here wondering what it would have been like if you were here.
What would be different.
Who would I be.
What would I be.
How would I change?
Daddy..
Oh daddy.

I know you always hated it when we cried. But dad, I can't bear it. I really need you. One last hug. One last goodbye. One last I love you. One last I'm proud of you. Just one last.. Everything.


I want a tattoo. Or three dedicated to you, at least. I want to explain to people what they mean, how much you meant to me.

I don't know I can sleep, but I'm going to try.
Rest easy, dad.
I love you more than ever thought possible.
Oh daddy.. Please make it an eight year long lie. I miss you.

Sixty Seven; wow.

This song.. speaks to me.. so much
if you really want to understand me, i highly recommend watching that video. It's my life from February, when things first started going downhill, until June, when they started to show a glimpse of hope.
I really.. can't explain how crazy this is to me. I have never related to much to a song.
i just want to keep listening since all the words.. seem to fit so.. perfectly.

pretty much decided I'm going to be alone forever.
i know I'm young.
i know i have time.
but.. i just.. it doesn't seem like it's going to happen.
so whatever, I'll stop trying.
I won't, but I'm saying that now out of spite.

I REALLY need a job.
I REALLY want this camera.. it's a beauty. Nikon D7000 or something would be dandy..hot damn.
that's one sexy piece of camera.
must have.

I have so many ideas for photography.
I can't do any of them.
Well, some, but not enough.

WHATEVER SUCH AS LIFE I'LL FIND A WAY

I'm not used to being the one convincing someone they're worth something.
now i see why everyone gave up on me
But I'm not going to give up, it hurts too much.
i want people to know that they matter.
They're more than they think.
I just wish they could believe me when i tell them

Sixty six; fuck you.

God damn. Use me more why don't you.
Let's only talk to me for nudes or something. Yea. Cool. Fucking asshole.
I wasn't expecting for that to hurt so much. I mean, you'd talk to me about everything.. Get close then stop talking to me and only talk to me when you want nudes. Now you ask me to Skype while I masturbate? Lmao. Funny. I'm not some whore. I don't cam with anyone doing those things. Fuck. You.

Ugh. It hurts. I'm so pissed. I can't rant to my mom, 'cause.. Well yea.
Fuck sake.
I'm done. Fucking done

Screw this. I hate men. Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
DONE
I wish. It still hurts. I'm not over it.
Ugghhhh


Whatever. Just whatever.

sixty five; i think that's the right number..

I'm kind of lost.
I kind of hate myself.
Part of me really.. doesn't understand what's going on.

I'm jealous of a ten year old.
My mom doesn't want to let her use make up for a very long time, she's afraid that it will just enhance her beauty. She's already curvy, very pretty.. I constantly get reminded of it.
No one ever called me cute, never mind beautiful.
I've never been attractive. I've never felt like i was a truly beautiful, intelligent woman.

I feel more like a fish out of water.
I'm by no means the proper weight. Diets suck.
I want to give up. I'd rather be anorexic, but it doesn't work for me.
I can't not eat.. unless other things happen. I need a trigger.

Why couldn't i get the attractive, skinny genes?
No, i had to get the fat ass ugly genes.
Guarantee Breanna will have no problems getting a boyfriend.
I can't even get a guy to tell me the time of day.
Whatever.

i think i'm doing better.
But.. i don't want to be?
is that bad?
I'd rather just go back to bed and hate life.
I have nothing to live for right now, anyway.
What can i do? nothing.
My friends say they want to hang out, but never do.
I have no job, i'm pretty much just a pain and expensive.

I figured out what i want to do for college.
Go and get my Human Service Worker diploma, i'll be able to do anything i want to after that.
Social worker, youth worker, corrections worker, addictions worker, all that.
That's what's keeping me going.

Got paid for the photography.
Published and paid photographer now, cool.

might be getting a job at Walmart again.

Prozac is up to.. 60 i think. Top dose he'd ever give out being 80. If i have to go up, that'll be me.
Wow.
so expensive. nearly 100$ for my drugs a month..

i don't know what's wrong. i'm just so..
blah.


I think Britt is still anorexic. Looking at videos on YouTube and so many of those stomachs look like her.. concave.. skinny.. not right.
Oh man, this just.. wow.

i'm so lost.
i don't know what to do.
i'm too happy,
but not happy enough.
i'm just so.. in the middle.
i'll have to deal with it.

Could be worse.

Sixty four; more random ramblings

How many girls hear the same speech I receive. How many get told they're amazing, lovable, great, the best or that they're even loves. How many are getting the same speech as me. How many are using me. And others. I don't know. I don't want to know. It just scares me. Kinda upsets me. Makes me lose hope. Whatever.

I'm officially a published photographer. That was probably one of the most pain in the ass jobs I've had. Not because of the work, but my boss and girl I worked with. It sucked.
Such as life. Ya have to deal with people you don't like.

I'm tired. Really tired
And burnt.
Went to the lake with Kaitlyn, Brittany and Sam today. It was fun I guess. I felt fat. But that's ok. It's only the truth

I should sleep.
I think I'll sleep all day tomorrow.
Sounds fun.
Yea..

Sixty three; bunch of rambling.

I just want to get my thoughts out.

Things aren't going well for me.
I can feel the depression coming back.
I just want to sleep.
Curl up in a ball and die even.
There's so much I want to accomplish but.. It doesn't matter.
I hurt.
I'm jealous.
I'm possessive.
I can't trust.
It hurts.

I open up and get a good response, but then I learn the truth.
I feel like a piece of meat. All anybody could ever want from me is some pictures or sex. And that's saying something considering how ugly I am. What a horrible body I have. I hate myself. I wish I wasn't me.

Speaking of bodies, britt has gotten to be a stick again. She has no curves normally. But now she's do skinny her sides are sucked in, her stomach is practically concave, her hips protrude like no other. Her spine and ribs show. You can pretty much see her organs through her skin.

I wish I had the will power to be anorexic like she does.. I don't want to be that scary thin or anything. But man.

LaSenza is closing. Ughhh. Now where am I suppose to get bras for my fucked up boobs. Whatever.

Might have a job. I don't want to fuck up. Whatever.

I feel whiney. It could be worse. I wish it was worse. I wish I had a reason to feel like shit.
What's my excuse? My dad died. Boo hoo. Nearly eight fucking years ago. My mom married a man I hated. He hardly did anything. Yet I find myself with less and less trust for men.

I want to cry. But then I want to hit myself for being so dumb. I have no problems. Screw that.
Ugh.
What can I do..
I find no pleasure in anything anymore.
I just want to be happy.
Or to die.
Whatever.

That's life.. I'll grow out of it I'm sure.