Twenty Seven; Why do you do this?

I worry for you more than you know.
You pretty much out right told me you cut.
I'm so scared for you, chicky.
You starve yourself. You wish you were bulimic. You cut yourself now?
Please, please let someone in. Let someone help you.
Don't let this go any farther.
I'll do what i have to do.
I'll tell your mother.
I'll tell a teacher.
I'll tell anyone.
Just please don't do this.
You've got my heart going a mile a minute for you.
I worry that you're going to do something we'll all regret.
Please don't do this.


Tyler emailed me, i feel so giddery.. in a good way.
It's strange.

JESSICA
OMG
I got in contact with her.
It's been forever.
She used to live a few houses up from me
I've known her since i was like, born.
We used to hang out like, everyday.
I found out she graduated last year.
So great to see her.
Even if it was only through facebook.
I was so STOKED last night to find her on Facebook.
It's like, crazy.
She's such a beautiful girl. So beautiful.

I hung out with Sam again, for the passed like five days.
Good fun
We like, lived on Omegle/Tumblr. (since she uses Tumblr and no one knows i use this site)
I miss having a good friend like her.
It's so nice.

Went to see the counsellor today.
I went with a guy named Scott for my intake.
He was pretty chill.
He looked me in the eyes the whole time.
I was like, tripping out the whole time.
He had this big blue eyes that you like.. Drowned in..
I had to keep looking away.
Maybe he was doing it on purpose? Seeing how i deal with things maybe?

Who knows.
They are going to call soon, to set up an appointment. But i'm on a waiting list
They also want me to see a Youth Worker.
Goodie.
I'm kinda scared, to be honest.
I mean, a counsellor is one thing.
But someone younger, and going out and *doing* things with someone?
Oh boy.
Here we go.

I over ate today.
God i think i might puke.
HOLY FUCKING BALLS.

Corban has a girlfriend, i think i posted that last time, though.
So strange.
So very strange.

I'm so scared.
Holy shit man.

Aaron (new friend from VANCOUVERRRR) may like Sam?

Cool, right? DAMN STRAIGHT.

I got new souls for my shoes
<33333

Twenty Six; I miss my brother.

I miss my brother,
I miss my dad,
I miss my friends,
I miss my life.
I MISS BEING A KID.

I'm still sick.
I'm still worried.
I'm still wanting out of gym.
I'm still scared for art.
FUCK THIS SHIT MAN.

I miss my brother, i wish i could know him like everyone else.
I miss Stephen and Christain, when we were just kids. Hangin' out
even if we had a wide gap between our ages.
I miss My friends being nice, and caring.
Now comes highschool and i realize i need new friends. (Other than Sam)
UGH.

I'm still sick. Whoo.
I'm bored. Whoo.
I'm going to straighten my hair. Whoo.
SHIT I FORGOT TO PUT MY LAUNDRY IN THE DRYER. Whoo.

We went out yesterday, out on this huge ass drive up this.. place.
Yea it was pretty kick ass.

I'm dizzy ish tired.
FOURTY MINUTES AND MY CLOTHES ARE DRY
but only half an hour till i go to bed?
Delima?
Possibly.


I'm listening to Angels on The Moon
<3 m=" <3">

And willing to get to know a troubled girl?

No? Didn't think so.

I'm such a jealous person.
The thought of a girl hanging out with
a guy i know, and i'm like.. friends with
bothers me
BOO ME?
Who would want to date someone like that.

I HAVE A FRIEND THAT'S A NOBODY LIKE ME
Vanessa. Hah
We have our own handshake and all.

I really want a locket..
That's big enough to hold a picture
that makes my heart ache with love.
Ugh.

You know, i get asked what i want for my birthday
and such
but no one ever asks, what do i truely want
more than anything?
It's not expensive. Really.
I want to hear my dad's voice again.
Just once.
Could they just make the VCR tape into a DVD?
I don't know if he talked in it
maybe a little
but it's my last chance.
I need to hear his voice.

I still wonder, 'Is he proud of me?
Would he approve?
Am i too fat?'
I'm so scared my dad would look at me
frown, and be upset with how i've turned out
don't get me wrong, i'm a good kid
But i'm not a bean pole
not athletic
i don't have the best grades around
and here i am, going to counselling
with health problems
with problems that i don't even understand.
I need someone who knows and understands
and loves me.
Please?

It's amazing how much you learn from Pictures.
You can tell my dad didn't hate my mom's ass.
That he.. just.
Pictures show more than i ever understood.
I feel like i may find something that cares now.

Anyway!
Life moves on.
I miss my life before this.
Can i just have you all back?

Can we all just hug and make up?

Hug and come back?

Hug and be us again.
i LOVE you and you don't even know how much.

twenty Five; I wish i could be normal.

I cried myself to sleep lastnight.
Because i was afraid my dog didn't love me anymore.
Afraid she didn't remember me.
It scared me to death.
I had the thought of her potential death run through my mind,
Which made me think that she's the last thing i have that also belonged to my father
Sure, that may not be exactly true.
But she's one thing the two of us loved very much.
I then cried, 'cause i missed my daddy so much.
i grabbed his ring and balled my eyes out.
I wish i had proof that he's proud of me, that he loves me.
I miss him more than i miss anyone.

I'm sick. I've been hacking up a lung for the passed few days.
And i'm losing my voice.
I sound like a pubescent boy.
My voice keeps cracking.
NOW I HAVE THE SNIFFLES
which pisses me off.

Veronica is seriously pissing.me.off.
I noticed that everything, always, has to be about her?
yeah, apparently so.
I didn't give her the attention she wanted, and i didn't take her side.
So she got pissed with me.
Oh, Okay.
Then later she calls me and said that she was bored and wanted to
talk to someone, i said i had to go for supper and she said
"Ok i'll call someone else. bye"
Ok, that's cool.
THEN
as we're walking to school the next day she said "I'm not going to hang
out with you guys at lunch 'cause i'm going to KFC with Shay"
Alright, that's cool.
Later, not even ten minutes after that she walks to her other friend
"What are you doing at lunch today"
Ok, i get it. You don't want to spend lunch with me
BUT REALLY
must you be SO rude?

/Whiney Teen.

I decided that i really want a Clock necklace/Clock penant/thingy
I love them, so much. I've wanted one for awhile, but i've kept it to myself.
The other day i decided that, what the hell.
I'll email aunty Faye some pictures i like of them, and ask her to keep in eye out for me
Since she lives in a bigger city.
(By like.. 80k people..)


I've seen Paul like three times.
Twice was within the hour..
Once was when i was walking home, he was in the parkinglot i walk by.
Then the second and third time was in Safeway.
Scary.Shit.

I've been babysitting a lot lately
Not really.

I feel like my life is unraveling.
Good friendships are dying
and my life feels so horrible.
Even though it's fine, and i'm just a whiney teenager.

So sick.
I may be able to get out of gym, which makes my life <3>

twenty four; Oh that's Cool.

Just talk about me like i can't hear. Even though i'm just in the next room.
S'all cool.

Fucking ass.
"She better not bitch about her stomach to me with what she's doing!"

So i add a little too much vinager to my chicken and such. So what?
Maybe you should stop drinking, which will help your stomach.

OWAIT

I don't even complain about my stomach to you so you know what, SHUT THE FUCK UP

I'll do what i fucking want. K? K.

Oh my god, you people frustrate me!
"Lets bitch about Meranda, even though we know she can hear! Hooray!"
Ugh.

Babysat, i love that kid. I wonder what's a good gift for a.. few month old? like 4 month old.

I'm going to go buy some cool new makeup, soon.

I want to hit something.

I got skype today, pretty cool.

I want to cry.

I have an exam and stuff soon.Goodie, right? yea.

I painted my nails. Purty.

I GOT MY RESULTS
i have the hernia. (The one on the far right in the picture)

GUESS WHAT?!
I'M STUCK WITH IT!
they won't do shit for it.
Whoo.

I'm being tested for diebetes, and my thyroid is being checked.
Again.
They hated my veins. they rolled. I lawled.

I'M SO DAMN FRUSTRATED

twenty Three; I wish you could see how you hurt me.

How you hurt yourself, even.

Britt, why can't you realize you're killing yourself.

You're not fat, you'll never be fat.

Please eat, please drink.

Please don't go bulimic.

Please, Britt, Please get better.

Girl, you don't realize what you mean to me, how much i care for you. How much i miss the old you. The one that wasn't always cold, that wasn't such a germaphobe. Britt, be careful.

Stop those situps, don't measure yourself, eat something. DRINK.

Please, you don't realize how horrible this is for you

You're sick already, your body is already screwed, don't make this worse.

Please.

I know i should tell someone about you, i told my mom. But man, i don't know how i can tell anyone else. Please, Britt. Please. Don't make this so hard

I lay in bed everything wondering if you're okay, if you're going to wake up the next morning and eat, or if you'll wake up at all.

Please.

I want to scream at you for not eating, but it wouldn't do anything.

I wish those guys would stop calling you a babe, or sexy, or whatever.

I feel like they're pushing you on, making you feel like the skinnier you are, the prettier.

Britt, you're so beautiful. But this isn't the way, if you want to "not become fat" then maybe go to the gym, watch what you eat, in a healthy way. Don't do this.

Please.

I'm scared and i can't do it.

I know what to do, i should tell your mom. I should tell someone, that's not my mom.

But i don't know how.

I don't want to betray you, but i don't want to lose you.

I want you to be okay.

God, i'm scared for you.

I'm ignoring what could put hme in danger, and i'm worrying for you.

Why can't you see that everyone is

that we all care

and none of us want this

if we could

we'd stuff food down your throat, and make you eat

make you drink

hide the scales

anything.

But we can't, can we?

You're a bag of bones, you always have been. You don't know what this is going to do to you.

Twenty Three; You son of a bitch.

Dear,
Male side of Opa's side of the family (other than uncle Odd)
Uncle Bjorne you don't know shit all. So you can STFU

Thor, i don't feel like i can call you Opa anymore 'cause of all this shit you've done. I feel ashamed to call you family.

You let your friend molest my mother, and you laugh. You did this many times.

AND YOU AHVE THE FUCKING NERVE TO SAY YOU DIDN'T
and now you're bringing in other people, who is bringing in even more

do you realize what the hell you've done?

YOU LEFT MY MOM WHEN SHE WAS PRATICALLY 10

and you say that you helped support her, and you were the best father could be? My fucking ass.

Learn to be a fucking man, keep shit to yourself, between the people that should be involved not the whole god damn fucking family. You piece of shit. I hope you burn in hell. No, better yet. I hope someone makes you feel the way you made my mother and her cousin feel. Then go through the pain of you telling them they're lying. You.. i can't even explain how horribly i feel for you. How i just want you to die, and never cause this hurt on my mother EVER AGAIN.

On other news, Paul came over to the house.

I was at school, neighbour told him that she's suppose to call the cops if she sees him here, he kinda left. Tried to be all "friendly" with her, saying he just wanted to see if the cat was around, and that he wants a divorce so he can "get on with his life." Yea, whatever.

Neighbour called her add, who went to my mom's work, told her. My sister went to their house after school so she wasn't alone.

She sent me a message on facebook, just incase i would be on at school

(The one time i'm not..)

Told another friend, she told me get a gun and a baseball bat. Freakin' Americans. Guns don't just come out of thin air. and like, seriously?

I babysat Crystal the other night, too. For four hours. It wasn't too bad, i felt kinda awkward, though. I was so tired at the end of it, though. And i was only their till midnight.

Ugh, thank goodness their my neighbours.

I kind of love that baby. <33>

I'm frustrated.

I'm sick.

I'm hurting.

I feel all -blah-.

twenty Two; I just ate a few pickles.

OH MOTHER FUCKING JESUS

Paul's back.

Austin messaged me on Facebook

And Tyler doesn't have to go to jail.

Paul-

I'm fucking scared. We've put on new locks, and we have deadbolts. We're trying to make the house less easy to break into. It's just my sister and i at home. I'm kind of scared. I'm nervous. I wish i wasn't alone.

Austin-

Yea, he messaged me. So i'm assuming he "Wants to be friends." Bahahhaha. If you want to be friends with your ex, you clearly never loved them (or so i've been told.)
Pissed me off. I feel sick to my stomach over it. Weird, huh?
Break your girlfriend of a year and a day (yea that's right)'s heart and expect it to be all peachy? Alright! .. you shit.

Tyler-

He didn't have to go to jail! That's all i know. I don't know why he might've had to go or anything, he said it's long and stupid. So.. who knows.

I babysat my neighbour's daughter's daughter yesterday while my neighbour's daughter had their cat put down. The cat was old.. Anyway, oh my goodness. Crystal is so adorable

and did so well with me! She hardly cried, and when she did it was 'cause she was hungry, or she was filling her diaper. Oh when she's filling her diaper (and not crying) she's SO cute. I could just eat her up. I babysat for an hour. She was going to pay me, but i couldn't accept the money, i mean.. She just put down her cat, and she has a one month old to take care of. I love that kid. So much.

Sam brought me some primer, it's so amazing. (Make up Primer, by the way)
She also got a puppy, Caeser, oh goodness. He's SO cute. Pom., wiener dog, and pug mix. Sounds ugly but oh goodness he's like 7 weeks old or so. He's so tiny and so cute. He's black, and just. OH GOODNESS. Cute ness overload!

I started a new book series. The Night World by L.J. Smith. I just finished The Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare. I can't wait to read her other books. I feel so nerdy.

Veronica's been having some.. teenaged.. problems.. lately. Being hit head on.
I can't help but get annoyed with her, and feel pity. I'm such a horrible friend.

My right side of my chest kinda hurts. I don't know why.

I feel sick.

My head hurts.

I want to cry.

I wish teenagers could see what they have.

That they wouldn't cry when their parents tell them they can't go out.

I wish they could see that their parents do and say what they do and say because they love them and want the best for them (some anyway.)
Instead they complain and bitch about every little thing their parents do. Look around you, is being kept in the house all night really so bad? Does having to keep your grades up seem so horrible?

I re-dyed my hair. It's now no longer splotchy, it's all Black-ish (for the most part)
No it wasn't suppose to be black, it was suppose to be dark brown.

I guess i left it in too long. My bad.
I wish i could feel safe in my own house, my own place of birth, my own home.