Fifty two and a half?; I forgot stuff.

SO.
i forgot to mention..
I did get the job at walmart..
In November.

I really liked it, when i wasn't screwing up.
I ended up working in Wireless, so mostly in electronics..
I sold phones.

It was great, i mean i didn't work with the guys in the back that i really enjoy being around, but i met a new group of people. I originally thought they were kind of a little bit.. jerk-ish.. but they were all really nice once i got to know them.

As far as i can remember, Lakisha was a little upset that i didn't stick it out, but she didn't' like the managers and had heard bad things about working there anyway. So it was ok.

I did get laid off from WalMart, just because i was a temporary and not in a very.. important (?) position, so they couldn't keep me. Not for lack of trying though. Those great people <3

Mom wants me to reapply, and i will.. eventually. I'm just not emotionally ready to have a job right now. Obviously going by my last post..

Bikes, we're waiting on the word. Some other people have applied, but we still may get it.
They know how we work, they know we do it well.
SO who knows..

I got a new camera. Dear me, it's my baby. It's another silly Fuji Film. But i bought it, for 200$. It's all mine.

Um, yea.. I think that's about all that i missed.
hopefully..

This is kind of like something i read back on and wonder what i was thinking..
Since like no one reads this thing.

Now for future reference of songs to look back on:
A drop in the ocean - Ron Pope
Bite my tongue - You Me At Six
Whatever happened to you - Every Avenue
Only place i call home - Every Avenue
Beautiful Girl- Broken Iris


As for the picture.. I actually felt kinda pretty that day. i have a few pictures that made me look less like a broken-out teenager.. But hey, i feel kinda shitty.. and a little bit lost so why not have a picture that reflects that a little more than something that makes me look happier and more content?

Fifty Two; Well..

Hasn't it been forever?
I keep wanting to make a post, but someone's around or i have nothing to say.
None of my family know that i have a blog, and i intend on keeping it that way.

Well, Britt and I had gotten close over the summer, things were looking up.
Even though Sam left, we stayed in touch VIA FaceTime and Skype.
Kaitlyn was.. Kaitlyn.
I drooled at number 3 from a far.
Life was.. teenaged.

Now?
Well, Britt and i were.. doing really well, we were getting really close, until Christmas break ended. Then suddenly she and Kaitlyn started getting mad at me for no reason. I mean normally, i know that i had some doing.. But this is my blog where I'm 100% truthful with myself, and i can honestly say.. I have no idea what i did. But they would get mad at me and leave me alone at lunch and all that.
Things are nearly back to normal now, but they still get mad at me randomly.

Sam and I hardly stay in touch anymore, we talk once a month if we're lucky. I miss having her around. I miss actually having someone to talk to. Even though she will never get to know what went on in my head with guys.. Well, guys from the Internet anyway.

Now, speaking of Internet guys..
Why do i have such a thing for them? Is it because i feel like they can't hurt me like someone who lived here? Is it because they give me a chance? Is it because i can be myself? I don't know.. I just know that i keep becoming friends with men off the Internet, i end up really wishing i could actually know them.. Then things go down hill from there. But what can you do? It's not like anything could become of a long distance friendship. I mean, it's nice having someone i can virtually tell anything to because i don't have to worry about their judgement, they're not here. It doesn't matter. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt..

Kaitlyn, has become a whore. I don't know if i mentioned her and Nathan in any of my last posts.. so here's the story:
Kaitlyn was spending time with Nathan over the summer. They started to hang out.. a lot. Eventually by themselves. He invited her over one night, she snuck out, they hooked up.. or at least they got as far as you can without actually going ALL the way. She decided he raped her.. Which is obviously impossible, and he didn't she only says it because she regrets it. Or so she says. She told me not to tell anyone. So what does she do? Pretty much tells everyone. Her and Nathan stopped talking eventually. Nathan texted her again recently, asking if she wanted to hang out. She said she wasn't going to do anything with anyone until they took her out, and actually dated her. She THEN texted him saying she regretted what happened, which i don't know about you.. but if i was a dude, that would have kinda killed my ego. But that's not it, a few days later she texted him asking him to pretty much be her fuck buddy. Doesn't that seem like a bit of a mixed signal to you? I pity the guy, first she tells him she regrets it and wishes it never happened, to then tell him she wants to go further.. Right.. ok.. No news on how that's gone so far.

Paul started talking to mom again. He messaged her little things like 'hi.' She ignored him. He messaged me 'Boo.' i messaged him back saying 'You don't know your boundaries do you?' He hasn't spoken to me since. Mom on the other hand, i swear he's trying to get her back. GOOD LUCK BUDDY. He's constantly asking how she is, and saying she should pamper herself. Well, asshat, thanks to you the word 'pamper' doesn't exist for us. We're still trying to dig ourselves out of the rut you got us in. Thanks. He's also saying that if she needs to talk about anything he's there. You have no idea how much this.. infuriates me. How badly i wish he'd talk to me. I don't know what I'd say, or what he'd say. But damn, i want to rip a strip off of him. Make him realize I'm not someone to be reckoned with. Verbally, anyway. 'Cause damn.. I need to rant. and it'll be on his ass. just he wait..

Kelly's son passed away. Corey, at.. 23 years of age i do believe. He just had brain surgery about a year ago. Corban and i were at Kelly's and Jean's house when they got the call. I felt so bad, we were there for cinnamon buns and i was getting a hockey ticket. It was... Horrible. What do you say to someone who just lost a son? Nothing. "I'm Sorry" is nothing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's nothing. Corban hugged him first, then i hugged him. He didn't punch my arm, didn't squeeze me till i couldn't breathe. None of the normal rough-housing relationship kinda stuff that we normally do.. That's how you knew how badly he was hurting. He didn't show it, he didn't cry, he didn't say anything. He just stood there. In shock.
He hasn't gotten much better now, and it's been a week +. But i can't blame him. I'm not judging him and his healing process. I know what it's like to lose a loved one, it's not an easy thing. And it won't be healed for many years. But damn, i hate seeing him like this. He's my second dad, he was the strong one in my life. He held me when dad was in the hospital, he was my ankor and didn't even know it. I didn't know how much he has influenced me or how much he has done for me until the last little while.
Jeeze Kelly, please, please..

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Everything seems like it's crumbling.
Everything I've gotten over, is coming back.
Everything that had gotten better, is worse.
I want to cry all the time, but I can't.
My anxiety is back, i didn't go to school from Tuesday-Friday.
I'm going to be so far behind.. What am i going to do?
I have a doctors appointment Monday.. see if i can get on some medication that Kelly's on for anxiety. I don't know how i feel about it.
I don't want to go to school.
I want to just curl up and.. sleep.
That's all. Just sleep.
I'm so sad, and scared, and... Like how i used to be.
I don't want to be going back down this path. I want to be happy, i want to enjoy my grade 11 year. I don't want to spend my nights crying, or having a panic attack. I don't want to feel like how i do now; Crying, feeling panicky, just wanting to find someone to hold me..

Tuesday, mom's birthday, i woke up and pretty much instantly started crying. I washed my face; crying. Got dressed; crying. Sat in my room; crying. Went downstairs, crying and shaking, mom said i didn't have to go to bed. That night, i had another panic attack, mom said i didn't have to go to school on Wednesday. I didn't. I slept in. Wednesday night, another panic attack. Thursday, same thing as Wednesday. Thursday was the same, but an even worse panic attack. I was crying, shaking, hyperventilating. Mom held me. She said she hated seeing me like this. I don't know if she knew just how bad it was. She said we could either go to the hospital or go to the doctor's on Monday. I asked what the hospital would do. They'd talk to me, that's what. Throw me in the psych ward for the night maybe. Watch me. Tell me I'm fine and send me home. I opted for the doctor's appointment. Friday i was ok until around 1am.. Then i sat on my bed and cried. Not a lot. Not loud snotty tears, but a few. That's nearly the same as it is tonight.. But so many more tears. So, so many more.

What's going on?
i don't know.. I just want to have a normal teenaged life.
I want to get a boyfriend that i can fuss over, then have break my heart.
I want to have friends that treated me well, and the only fights we had were over who's pants looked best, and who saw the boy first.
I don't want to have to think about money, i don't want to think about my mother's ex husbands. I don't want to care about my weight anymore. I don't want to miss my dad. I don't want to have anxiety attacks that seem to come out of no where. I want to be happy. I want to be ok.

Is that so much to ask?
Apparently.


On a lighter, still vaguely related note.
I've decided on another tattoo i want.
I want it to say 'Ce qui ne me tue pas me rend plus fort'
which pretty much means 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger' I was hoping for you instead of me, but hey. Close enough.
It really is a saying I've lived by. I mean, i lived through watching my dad slowly die in front of me, i lived through my step dad, i lived through anxiety (and still battling it), I've lived through depression, and I've lived through anorexia. All these things have made me who i am today, and I'm proud of who i have become as a person (This seems to be contradicting what i said in my previous mental-breakdown-paragraph). I can say that it has made me a stronger person, someone i hope i will be proud of in the future.

I want it probably on my neck, like the back kind of where it hits my back? Yea, i love my scientific terms too.
I think i would like to get it more than a picture.. It seems more simple, smaller. Something that has meaning, but.. just.. yea.

Life will move on.
I will be fine.
This is only one day.
I'm one person.
I'm only a kid.

Things get better.
I just need to breathe..

Fifty One; Well..

To start it off, I went to Lethbridge with my art class to go check out a gallery/the university and do some shopping.

The Gallery was really boring, 90% of the university stuff was kind of dull but shopping and coming home was pretty fun.

So, I'm not sure if I mentioned my new love for hockey in my last post, but I have really gotten into it this year. I missed last night's game because of being away in Lethbridge but I went to their first, which was great. Fire works went off and everything for the banners and the showing of the trophy and all that.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned how my favourite players last year were number 25 and 7.

Well, King (7) had to retire since he turned 20 (silly WHL rules). So I got a new favourite, number 3.

He was one of my favourites probably just because he was in my math class (kind of cute) and I don't know… closer to my age.

Well, my friend added him on facebook just for shits and giggles when I mentioned I wanted to get the guts up to talk to him, he added her.

My other friend added him too.

He added her.

I added him, he added me…

But here's the kicker.

He deleted me.

Not them, just me.

I'm unsure as to why.

He just did, so now my little hope of ever talking to him has gone down the drain.

What can I say, I'm easily discouraged?

Its kind of mind blowing just how disappointed I am about this.

I mean, it's not like I ever got to know him or anything. It was all sort of a day dream.

God dammit.

I don't see why I bother with actually having hope for talking to a guy.

My insecurities always seem to get in the way.

Or maybe my insecurities are legit flaws that everyone else seems to dislike too.

Who knows.

Either way, this disappoints me. Now I have to go and see if I can find some guy that catches my eye. Hopefully another hockey player. Their height and such just… <3

Yea, not much is new beside my slight slap in the face.

I did a french and biology test today.

I'm not sure if I'm doing my math test tomorrow or what, the teacher seems to have forgotten about it.

Apparently Mme. Bedard has missed a lot of school because she has been getting tested to see why she can't get pregnant. Which would explain a lot.

We also had a big class discussion of how we all need to grow up and actually try in class along with not complaining as much about every little thing.

Yep, I think that's it.

I'm going to go be a melodramatic teenager somewhere else.

Fifty; I think..

So apparently the journal before this one didn't post, so sorry for the late… update.

ANYWAY.

I hate being a girl.

So hormonal.

And… stuff.

examples:

Sam really seems to be liking Maple Ridge, which kind of made me sad.

Maybe she won't want to come back next year.

Maybe I just lost a good friend.

Or maybe I'm just a selfish girl.

Brittany and Kaitlyn have been driving me UP THE FUCKING WALL DEAR GOD.

or something.

I don't know what's up, maybe it's just my hormones.

But they say hi and I instantly want to walk away.

Maybe it's the way the ignore me, talk down to me, etc.

Who knows.

Did I tell ya I got my ears pierced again?

I don't think so.

The picture is kind of hard to see…

But yea, that shows most of my piercings.

I can't stop listening to 'My World - SR-71'

Oh my <3

I've been contemplating a twin tattoo with Corban.

We're just unsure of what to get.

With or without him though, when we turn 18 I'm getting a tattoo.

I'm pretty stoked for the 27th.

My art class is going to Lethbridge.

I've never been there before.

So I'm pretty excited, that and i want to see the college/university there.

Not like I'm going to end up going…

But I can dream.

I'm also kind of excited for Halloween.

OH. Yea.

There's something Britt and Kait have been bugging me with.

They were going to dress like whores for halloween.

Britt was going to go in a "sexy dress" and Kaitlyn was going to go in a corset nightgown from LaSenza?

What the hell?

THEY'RE HOW OLD?

Seems to me like they're calling a rapist.

BUT WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT.

Anyway, Halloween.

I've decided on my make up…

Kinda.

But not what to be or what to wear.

I know I want to do my make up all over the top, from red and black eyeshadow with fake eyelashes to… probably bright red lipstick.

Who knows.

I'll figure it out.

I might just do my makeup and then figure it out from there.

Soooo…

I think that's about it.

mhmm.

Forty Nine; I just realized that I've been spelling forty wrong..

For like, all of my posts.
Aahaha. oops.

SO I had my first day yesterday, i hated it. I quit.
I apparently can't legally talk about it on my blog or any internet site?
Hm.
Aw well.
I didn't like the job, infact i despised it.
So i called in that night and quit, but the manager wasn't around so i had to call in again yesterday morning and quit, but she once again wasn't around so i had to tell the lady that hired me that i quit.
I'm getting paid for one day and i might even get a record of employment?
Fuck i'm not putting that on a damn resume, that just won't look good.

Hopefully, though, i'll be getting a call from Walmart for a job.
Kelly put a good word in for me, so now i apparently owe him big time.
He even said he wouldn't mind me working in the back with him, awww!
But then he was talking to little Brad (so not the duty manager) and said that they should just fire him and hire me, his face was apparently priceless (they were kidding)
I then later saw Chris, and Kelly. They bugged me.
Then I saw little Brad, who bugged me and Keltie.
THEN I say big Brad and he bugged myself and my family.
Oh how i enjoy those people.

I'm not looking forward to telling Lakisha that i quit..
I'm afriad that she will be disappointed in me or something, so I'm realllyy hoping that Walmart calls me sooner than later.

I'm going to the movies tonight, kind of as Sam's going away party.
As soon as she is leaving we actually start to hang out and do things, with other people even!
It'll be sad to see her go..
It'll be weird in class, too.
I mean she's been with us since kindergarten and now she'll be gone!
Wow.

Umm.. yea..
I think that's about it..
I'll keep you posted!

As for the picture, I just felt like putting it there, it has nothing to do with anything.
It's just my sister and my dad.
She never used to actually sit with him or anything, she was always a sissy's girl or a mommy's girl, she never really had the desire to be a daddy's girl.

Forty Eight; ANOTHER pair of shoes..

So, now I have like.. Five pairs.

Two for work (Black for Timmy's my green ones for Bikes)

Two pairs of high top kind of ones and a pair of toms.

I've never had so many shoes before.

I really love the newest pair of high tops I got.

They're an oatmeal colour and you can roll down the high top bit and there's a plaid pattern. They're great.

Today was Ally's funeral and all that.

I didn't go, as I was not a friend.

I still feel kinda sad about it, though. I mean when you live in a place as small as this you feel like you know everyone, and when someone you see everyday dies.. It just changes things.

Such a sad thing when a beautiful person has to leave, especially so young.

I hung out with Sam and Kaitlyn today. It was pretty good, I mean for not having seen each other in around a month or two.

Kaitlyn wouldn't shut up about Nathan (her current crush) and Daimon (a guy she constantly texts). That ended up being rather… annoying.

Sam was kind of nice to talk to, though.

My rib is cramping.

Why?

I do not know.

What a pain.

(No pun intended)

I'm going to work on Thursday with Kelly to do the bikes.

I'll be making between $180-$270. And I'm thinking of putting that towards a new iPod.

Save it up until November so I can buy it in Calgary and pay only 4% in taxes instead of 12%.

So that's around a $10 difference. To make myself stay out of the money I will go in and make myself a bank account and make it so I have to go into the bank to take out the money instead. That way I can also just have my paychecks automatically put into the bank. That would be easier instead of having to go in and deposit it and all that.

I need to meet a boy.

It's my goal for the school year, meet a boy. Preferably a boy.. to date.

I highly doubt it'll happen. But I can hope!

Pretty sure that's all for now..

Forty Seven; Well hasn't it been awhile..

Sorry guys! I just haven't gotten around to posting.

Plenty has gone on, and I'm not sure what i posted about last time…

So forgive me if tell you about some stuff again.

all right

So, there was a horrific car accident about 12 km out of town.

A 17 year old girl, Ally, passed away.

I saw her nearly everyday.

I remember when I first saw her, she had such a long torso and wore a yellow shirt.

She was so beautiful, I remember just being astounded by it.

I guess the saying "Only the good die young" is true, in this case.

it blows my mind how the truck that her car collided with sustained such little damage. Where she died and her friend sustained a few scratches and bruises. Life is a cruel thing.

May you Rest In Peace, Ally.

(The picture is of the car she was in)

(http://www.dailytownsman.com/article/20110818/CRANBROOK0101/308189993/youth-dies-of-injuries-after-tuesday-collision)

I just got home from Calgary yesterday.

Why was I born into a family where both sides just view my siblings and I as "those kids"?

Why can't we be loved like the rest of them? What did we do?

Besides the favoritism and such, it was a pretty good trip.

We were stuck inside for most of the days we were there, since Nana hurt herself and Aunty Faye was at work.

I ended up hitting some wicked sales so I ended up buying a lot of things.

Now I'm just going to go get some new socks/tights/other things along those lines.

I bought a skirt, I'm pretty excited to wear it.

I need to do laundry, since I ended up wearing a decent amount of my new clothes.

Ahh, we need to fix our washing machine.

NOTE TO PEOPLE WITH PETS:

Who have a washing machine like mine, anyway.

Make sure to clean out that one thing…

In the washing machine, not the dryer.

It collects pet fur, candy wrappers, etc.

Our washing machine is now on the brink of dying.

I got a job at Tim Hortons.

I'm excited, but so scared.

I mean, it's my first job and I don't know anyone who works there…

Aw well.

It's a paycheck.

On Wednesday I have an appointment with Lakisha

Oh Thursday I work with Kelly from 6:45 to whenever the hell we finish

THEN on Friday I start work at Timmy's.

This is going to be intense.

The money I make from working with Kelly will be the beginning of my Calgary fund.

And it will also go to buying new underwear/socks/etc

WHOLE new wardrobe for school, please.

Yea so, I'm kind of nervous about booking time off.

I have to go to my cousin's wedding thing-y in November.

Which is in Calgary..

So I have to miss school, and work.

Aw well…

I haven't spoken to Joe at all.

I'm pretty okay with that, which is odd.

I'm just hoping I find an awesome guy in some of my new classes, this year.

Most of my classes don't involve like, any of my friends.

Which is great, but horrible all in one.

I love the fact I get to meet new people, but I'm kind of scared since I'm kind of shy.

I don't do well with just walking over to someone and being like "Hey, what's up?"

So, I don't know how this will go over.

I'll just keep my fingers and toes crossed that there are some nice guys in there.

Then, there is my mom, we don't have any news yet and no test have been done yet, either.

Which, to be honest, is really scary.

Did I tell you guys that she may have MS?

Or was it just that I thought she was having a heart attack?

Well, either way, she may have MS and I'm horrified of what could happen.

Lakisha is of no help, she just tells me that there's no things coming out, it doesn't always end badly.

I mean, I know that, I know she's trying to help.

But I want someone realistic. I want someone to sit me down and be like, k say this what is going to happen, these are your options.

I need structure. I want to know my possibilities I don't want to walk into the unknown.

Whatever, I can handle it. I have to.

Veronica and I still don't talk.

Sam is moving away for the year (maybe two)?

Just because she can, because she wants to.

Brittany and Kaitlyn are on the outs.

Which sucks for me, what can I do?

Be the monkey in the middle?

Ugh.

NEW FRIENDS PLEASE.

No srsly. I love you guys anyway...

OH my glasses came in!

They're pretty dandy.

I like them but it's taking some time to get used to them.

They kind of hurt my head.

But that's okay, i'll get over it.

OH YEA

for my cousin's wedding like thing, my dad's ex wife will be there.

yay-fuckin'-eh.

I was so upset when I found that out.

UGH. Hate that women.

Despise her.

Speaking of ex's;

Paul's fuck buddy got a job at Pharmasave.. or Shoppers…

One of the two.

We go in purposely just to feel her hateful glare.

I've been back into make up.

I ordered the 120 pallet edition 1 from BHCosmetics (http://www.bhcosmetics.com/) - LOVE!

I ordered the 100 pallet from Elf/Eyes Lips Face (http://www.eyeslipsface.com/) and the 12 piece essential brushes. The eyeshadow wasn't bad, not too pigmented which can be good. I use it for my more natural looks than I do with BH. The Brushes, on the other hand, kind of sucked. Well, one did. My eyeshadow brush broke, after maybe a few weeks of having it. I was thoroughly disappointed.

I then ordered some stuff from Coastal Scents (http://www.coastalscents.com), a few testers mostly. I have yet to try them, since I can't get into the testers for the eyeshadows and I haven't gotten around to trying the foundations. I'm definitely in love with the dual shadow pencil. I got it in Celestial Moon. IT IS AMAZING!

I think that's about it…

In total I spent around $100

And I'm only a little bit regretting it on certain things.

I started watching the series The Nine Lives Of Chloe King, and really enjoyed it. So I bought the book. The book and the show are sooo different! I was kind of surprised with just how MUCH they did change. Aw well, they are both really good anyway.

It's taken me around an hour to type this out, and get all my thoughts together.

Goodness, I should make sure I post more regularly so I don't end up making such long posts!

That and when you try and change the text colour.. it decided to hate you and be like "ahaha no"