sixty five; i think that's the right number..

I'm kind of lost.
I kind of hate myself.
Part of me really.. doesn't understand what's going on.

I'm jealous of a ten year old.
My mom doesn't want to let her use make up for a very long time, she's afraid that it will just enhance her beauty. She's already curvy, very pretty.. I constantly get reminded of it.
No one ever called me cute, never mind beautiful.
I've never been attractive. I've never felt like i was a truly beautiful, intelligent woman.

I feel more like a fish out of water.
I'm by no means the proper weight. Diets suck.
I want to give up. I'd rather be anorexic, but it doesn't work for me.
I can't not eat.. unless other things happen. I need a trigger.

Why couldn't i get the attractive, skinny genes?
No, i had to get the fat ass ugly genes.
Guarantee Breanna will have no problems getting a boyfriend.
I can't even get a guy to tell me the time of day.
Whatever.

i think i'm doing better.
But.. i don't want to be?
is that bad?
I'd rather just go back to bed and hate life.
I have nothing to live for right now, anyway.
What can i do? nothing.
My friends say they want to hang out, but never do.
I have no job, i'm pretty much just a pain and expensive.

I figured out what i want to do for college.
Go and get my Human Service Worker diploma, i'll be able to do anything i want to after that.
Social worker, youth worker, corrections worker, addictions worker, all that.
That's what's keeping me going.

Got paid for the photography.
Published and paid photographer now, cool.

might be getting a job at Walmart again.

Prozac is up to.. 60 i think. Top dose he'd ever give out being 80. If i have to go up, that'll be me.
Wow.
so expensive. nearly 100$ for my drugs a month..

i don't know what's wrong. i'm just so..
blah.


I think Britt is still anorexic. Looking at videos on YouTube and so many of those stomachs look like her.. concave.. skinny.. not right.
Oh man, this just.. wow.

i'm so lost.
i don't know what to do.
i'm too happy,
but not happy enough.
i'm just so.. in the middle.
i'll have to deal with it.

Could be worse.

Sixty four; more random ramblings

How many girls hear the same speech I receive. How many get told they're amazing, lovable, great, the best or that they're even loves. How many are getting the same speech as me. How many are using me. And others. I don't know. I don't want to know. It just scares me. Kinda upsets me. Makes me lose hope. Whatever.

I'm officially a published photographer. That was probably one of the most pain in the ass jobs I've had. Not because of the work, but my boss and girl I worked with. It sucked.
Such as life. Ya have to deal with people you don't like.

I'm tired. Really tired
And burnt.
Went to the lake with Kaitlyn, Brittany and Sam today. It was fun I guess. I felt fat. But that's ok. It's only the truth

I should sleep.
I think I'll sleep all day tomorrow.
Sounds fun.
Yea..

Sixty three; bunch of rambling.

I just want to get my thoughts out.

Things aren't going well for me.
I can feel the depression coming back.
I just want to sleep.
Curl up in a ball and die even.
There's so much I want to accomplish but.. It doesn't matter.
I hurt.
I'm jealous.
I'm possessive.
I can't trust.
It hurts.

I open up and get a good response, but then I learn the truth.
I feel like a piece of meat. All anybody could ever want from me is some pictures or sex. And that's saying something considering how ugly I am. What a horrible body I have. I hate myself. I wish I wasn't me.

Speaking of bodies, britt has gotten to be a stick again. She has no curves normally. But now she's do skinny her sides are sucked in, her stomach is practically concave, her hips protrude like no other. Her spine and ribs show. You can pretty much see her organs through her skin.

I wish I had the will power to be anorexic like she does.. I don't want to be that scary thin or anything. But man.

LaSenza is closing. Ughhh. Now where am I suppose to get bras for my fucked up boobs. Whatever.

Might have a job. I don't want to fuck up. Whatever.

I feel whiney. It could be worse. I wish it was worse. I wish I had a reason to feel like shit.
What's my excuse? My dad died. Boo hoo. Nearly eight fucking years ago. My mom married a man I hated. He hardly did anything. Yet I find myself with less and less trust for men.

I want to cry. But then I want to hit myself for being so dumb. I have no problems. Screw that.
Ugh.
What can I do..
I find no pleasure in anything anymore.
I just want to be happy.
Or to die.
Whatever.

That's life.. I'll grow out of it I'm sure.

Sixty two; crashing.

I don't know. I'm back to spending all my time in my room. Isolating myself.
I'm not even really eating again.
Which is great for weight loss. But eh.

I was bad.
(possible tmi. But no one but my mom knows and I have to air it)
I have my first yeast infection.
I didn't go to the doctor.. I know. Dumb.
But I'm 149075% positive that's what it is. I start the medicine tonight.

School is over next week. Monday and Tuesday are finals. The 21st in my provincial. THEN on the 24th is the Beatles impersonator concert. Do excited.

Silly nice guys and living so far away. I mean, who needs guy in my actual country?
Apparently not me. Damn living in the age of technology. It's curse and a blessing.

I'm lonely. So I decided to isolate myself more. Meh.
I feel fat and ugly.
I'll pretty much stop eating.

Ugh. I'm such a whiney teen. I should grow up. Smell the roses.

So I found this app, lockerz. It's cool. I've found some pretty cool stuff on there. I wish I could pull off the hair/clothes. And I wish I had the money.
But eh. Whatever.

Soo.. 5th day of talking to a certain fellow. Who lives in damn Georgia. Fuck. whatever.
Better than no one.

Yep. Back to my lonely shower.
Maybe I'll feel better later.

Sixty one; hm..

Well.. I can't remember the last time I felt so lonely.
I have no friends to talk to and to confide in. I normally at least have someone online to talk to.. But not anymore.
I feel so isolated. So alone.
I'm just laying here, listening to music. Lonely and unsure.
What can I do? Nothing.

Kaitlyn has pretty much decided to ditch me for Veronica. Why? So she can go creep on guys she "likes"
She knows their names, mostly. But that's it. I don't see why we can't go on boy hunts of anything. But whatever.

Brittany has ditched us for her boyfriend. I haven't really talked to her in like three months. I mean, we say a few words at our lockers but that's it.
So the other day she told me she was going to eat lunch with me since her boyfriend was camping. I was excited, it had been so long. Kaitlyn wasn't there either so at least I could have some time to catch up. Well, come lunch time she told me her boyfriend was back so she was going to go hang out with him 'cause she hadn't seen him since 4pm the day before.. Not even 24 hours ago.
Alright, I mean.. At least you could pretend like I mean something. Pretend like you actually care about what's going on. But hey. Whatever. I'll go eat lunch with Mariah.

Thank god for Mariah. We've been hanging out lately. Her BFF has ditched her for a boy and we are both pretty much in the same boat. So we've gotten to be better friends.
In the 24th she's coming with my family and I to this Beatles impersonator concert. We're super excited.

So summer school for English. Whoo
Yea.

I'm lost.
I want someone to care because they want to, not because they're obligated to.

Sometimes I wish there was something seriously wrong with me.. Just to see. Just to see who cared and who wanted to stick by me. But I'm sure everyone feels like that from time to time.

I don't know what I'm going to do now.. Lay here. Go for a shower. Yea.. That.


OH! Yesterday I met Pat Morrow, for any of you who have heard of him. Pretty chill guy. Great photographer.

Sixty; how.. Cool.

So I went to the doctor's on Friday.
Nothing came up in the ultrasounds other than I have a hemorrhaged cyst on my ovary. They aren't too worried about it, but in three months I have to go for another ultrasound to make sure all is well.

The doctor also said I could be bipolar, which would explain my ups and downs. BUT I'm apparently not reckless enough. I'm too cautious. Well.. Alrighty then. I think it might be right though.

So Vanessa and I signed up for some volunteer work. We shall be taking pictures of people doing anything to do with literacy, reading, writing, a cashier on her till, anything. We will be doing 5 hours of service so we get that done for our volunteer hours to graduate. But then after that we are getting 15$ an hour for how ever many hours we put in after the five. Cool.

I had a London fog for the first time today. It burnt my tongue but was pretty yummy. I was pleasantly surprised.

So I'm not doing as well as I had been a few days ago. I was practically on cloud nine, crashed, and now I'm a little above where I was. I can go to school and not think about how useless and what a waste of space I am. Which is cool. Not wanting to die is nice.

Psych - still no credits.
English - summer school here I come! The one course I never expected to have to take through summer school..
Socials - lets hope I do well enough that I don't fail.
Photography - little behind, but I'll catch up!

Right, so, that's that.
Updates done.

Fifty nine; it's not like I do it on purpose..

My mom is mad at me.
Why?
Because once again I have to stay home.
I texted her this morning asking if I could stay home, she said no and that I had to at least try.
I go downstairs, in tears. I can't go to school like that.
And all she says is "fuck, fine stay home. But no hiding upstairs you have to stay down here and keep the dog company. "
I'm sorry that I have problems.
I'm sorry that school is being effected by it.
I'm sorry I can't help it.
I'm sorry I need to go see a counselor again..
I'm sorry.. It isn't my fault.
I didn't want it.
I want to go to school.
I want to see my friends.
I want my only worries to be about tests.
I'M SORRYYY!
But whatever.
My friends are already mad at me for missing so much, why can't my family be too?
Why not make it a big thing of "Hate On Meranda"
Sounds like it has already started.

So where am I right now?
Upstairs. In my room.
I don't want to be down there.
I just want to lay in bed and cry.
I don't want to lay downstairs and watch tv with my dog.
I love her, a lot. But I really want to be myself.

I'm sorry...