fourty Four; Why do i feel so lonely?

Stupid coming off medicine.

Stupid telling a guy i have problems believing someone can care.

Stupid me.

Soo, i'm in hardcore withdrawal.

It sucks.

I'm super emotional too.

I just randomly start crying.

Or i just get supppperr depressed.

Like last night i was convincing myself that Joe is just bullshitting me around and stuff..

And he is upset i guess.. going through another "phase" i'll call it.

So he won't talk to me really..

Which isn't so much helping me.

Yea last night he said some stuff..

Asked if i ever cherished something and held it dear to my heart..

I was honest and said that i don't cherish things 'cause i'm too afraid of having them ripped away, ya know?

I told him that me beliving that someone could love me is like him believing he IS worth something.

After i said that he kind of shut up..

he said hi this morning.

And like two comments after that.

I wish he'd talk to me.

I feel so pathetic haha.

I'm dizzy.

My heart keeps having weird pulpetations.

I'm in cold sweats.

and i'm like... Balling my eyes out.

What a lovely way to spend my Spring Break, huh?

Tomorrow i go to counselling.

He won't find out about any of this.

He'd just look at me like i need to grow up..

Lay off the internet.

Is it stupid that the internet is the one thing that has people on it that i feel care?

I've never had a crush on anyone that goes to my school or anything.

It's always those damn internet guys.

Fuck my life.

And this one just so happens to live nearly 20 hours away.
Great, i know.

I'm listening to Like A Bird Without Wings by Celtic Thunder.

I keep crying.

Fuck i'm a wimp.

I'm scared guys.

I'm really scared.

I'm so selfish too.

I'm scared of my friends hurting themselves, 'cause if they hurt themselves I won't have friends.

Selfish.

I'm scared Joe won't talk to me. I don't bother to think if maybe there's a reason.. Or maybe there's something going on so he won't talk to me.

Selfish.

I'm just scared 'cause i can be. My life could be so much worse. Yet here i am, pouting over stupid shit.

I'm just stupid. I need to grow up. Smell the roses.

Life doesn't revolve around me.

It could be worse..

It could be WORSE....

fourty Three; i can't remember the last time i was so.. scared.

For my friends, i mean.

Brittany is still going down that path..

Sam is starting to follow.

I just want to beg them to stop.

Even though i know that would never work.

They're set on thinking they're fat.

WHEN THEY AREN'T!

I'm so lost right now.

I don't feel right.

I want to curl up in a ball and have someone hold me.

I don't even know what's wrong, i mean.. everything is going fine.

I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

i'll hopefully be being taken off Cipralex :)

Then i have a counselling appointment.

Yea..

Counselling has been interesting, it's been.. there's been a lot of soul searching.

Scott wants me to go into a group anxiety thingy.

Yea...

There was a praticum there when i went for my Youth Worker appointment.

That was.. interesting to say the least.

Can i please get three wishes?

Three wishes to help everyone out, please?

Sure, it's selfish because it's to get rid of some stress on me.

But i just want my friends back, my friends to be normal again.

To smile, to pig out on ice cream, anything. Please.

Joe is talking to me again, not sure if i told you.

Not that any of you care.

But heyy.

fourty two; fucking hell.

Brittany needs to stop comparing herself to people.

Her goal is to be skinnier than Mariah and Halie.

They're both naturally small people. They're half her height

and probably weigh more than she does now.

OH MY GOD.

Sam had one of those weeks again.

where she skips most of the week.

yea.

one of those.

even though it's just started.. but ya know

I FORGOT TO CLEAN MY NOSE YESTERDAY

OMGOMGOMG

I kid. it's not that bad or important

I had a pointless counsellors appointment

Dance tomorrow, to go or not to go.

Neighbour wants me to babysit tomorrow.

Ewww.

I'm still sick.

gross.

I had something to say, but i don't remember what.

dammit.

WELL

i guess i'll update you guys later if i ever remember..

Fourty One; Jesus. i'm falling behind!

So lets see..

Did i mention Joe in my last one?

probably not.

Well he's a new internet dude that has a crush on me.

and i think i hurt his feelings

oops.

MY NOSE IS NEARLY HEALED

did i tell you i got it pierced?

pretty sure i did.

it's fantastic right now

I have a hardcore cold

it's horrible :(

my brain feels like it's going to explode

my tummy hurts

my whole body aches

and.. grrr

Baby Isabelle is sooo cuteee

isn't she?

i'm sure you agree.

Brittany is getting worse.

Sam is getting worse

Kaitlyn is getting worse

FUCK MY LIFE

Counselling is alright

Youth Worker is alright

I look forward to both..

Most of the time.

I GOT A PHONE

did i tell ya that last time?

I don't remember..

It's pretty epic.

so.. um..

what else..

i..

ahhh..

I'm living off cough drops and cold medicine.

so sucky.

RIGHT WELL

um

Britt got a new dog?

yea? cool? i know.

That's about it as far as i know..

so

hm..

i'll try and come back! and remember to post!

Fourty; So much

Has gone on!

A) I got my nose pierced

B) Mum got pissed off at my sister's teachers
C) I did my provincial (not sure if i told you)

D)Internet dude has a crush on me

E) New semester has started

A) Yep, do ya like it?

I do.
It apparently looks really natural on me, and everyone's already used to it.
I was pretty stoked.
Out of all my piercings it got the most reaction, though
But the least amount of shock.

B) OH MAN
They're doing stuff about smoking.
And you know how my dad died of lung cancer..

Well.. yea
the school knows, but we NEVER got ANY form of warning, just incase Breanna had a bad response..
Mom was FURIOUS
So they finally called today, since Breanna mentioned to her teacher that mum was going to send them a letter about not telling giving us a warning.
They're watching a movie about how smoking can effect a family/life/everything
She's lived through that
and she continues to face the horrors of what smoking can do
do you really want to make my nine year old sister live through it

AGAIN?

have to remember this AGAIN?

you all need to grow a set and send a letter home, you never know what the hell can happen
maybe some kid's granpa just died from lung cancer.
WHO KNOWS
fucking asshats.

C) Yea. HAHAH
think i did real bad.
I didn't learn like, any of that stuff.

At all.

D)Yep, his name is Joe.
I'm assuming.
Since that's his "username"

Yea, he's pretty cool.
But you know how it is.

E) It's true.
I have Psychology, Socials, English, and then Math.
Psych is pretty awesome,

socials is well.. socials
English is pretty awesome

MATH SUCKS ASS

but then, i suck at math so..

I went to the counsellor's.
I told him i can't be alone with men, i don't trust men, i have a phobia of men
and that i have REALLY low self esteem
and that my pediatrition called me fat
and so on and so forth
you know what he says?

"When ever i come to get you, you always have a big smile on your face. You're a nice, sweet, personable girl and i don't see why anyone would treat you anything but nice"

or something
personable is what i really remember and a big smile

i was in near tears everytime he said something nice about me..
I'm.. it..

wow.
I wish others could see me as he does.

I'm listening to All I know by Five For Fighting
I'm in near tears, here.
I mean i don't really like it 'cause it's like violin sax and piano
but it's so.. beautiful..

OH

I GOT A PHONE

proud of me?

I am :)

It's a pretty awesome thing.
I suck at texting, so many typos.

Omg.

Thirty Nine; Oops.

I keep forgetting to come on here!

I'm alwyas telling myself "You should go on and post, you really should"

But then i get distracted by something shiney, you know how it is.

So i did get my haircut
but not like that picture
since apparently my hair is too frizzy to have layers cut so short..?

Yea, i don't know.

I MISS MY BROTHERS
i was just talking to Chad on my status on Facebook

i wish i could get to know him and Schyler better.

SO I GOT A CELL PHONE
pretty stoked.
It's a Samsung Gravity 3 Sil
yea, pretty tight.
haha.

We got Britt to eat, it was awesome.
Now she's back to excersising.. sadface

I'm making banana whip
OM NOM NOM

I want a tattoo.
so bad
with a bird, like that picture up there.
kinda

Thirty Eight; Oh man.

So i want that haircut.

really badly.
SO BADLY

I've been boring Sam's iPod.
A lot.
I think i'm in love with it.

Scott (counsellor) told me a lot of stuff that completely blew my mind.
Lakisha (Youth Worker) seems way cooler than i thought.

I'm worried about Brittany, a lot.
I hugged her today when she came to schooll (FOR TWO WHOLE CLASSES! I KNOW! CRAZY!)
and she was shaking
i died a little on the inside
i'm worried
and hope she's ok
i really hope she gets ok..

i really.. really do

Brittany and kaitlyn are two completely different people now
i hate it.

Sydney and Chris?
Potentially an item?

maybe.

I can't see it, though.

MY HERNIA HAS BEEN HURTING

A LOT

OH MY GOD

I kind of hope we don't go to Calgary
'cause then i can get a piercing

and a haircut
maybe evne a phone

IF I'M LUCKY

Yea, so um.

I got hippo gloves.

envy me, mother fuckers.

ANYWAY
i had stuff to say
but i don't remember the rest.

Goodnight, grasshoppers.