Seventy five; I have a bad feeling..

About what?
I don't know.
I just couldn't sleep last night, I've been up completely since around 8. My heart is racing, and something is telling me something happened.
I don't know what, but there's something.
I'm stressing out.
Just laying here in bed, my stomach in knots, my heart racing. What's happening. What happened to who.
I just hope it isn't Kyle. Since he was having a real rough night last night. I really, really hope he's ok.

Well, Kaitlyn and I are going to hang out today, then go to the hockey game. She wants to look at phones and stuff. Should hopefully be fun.
Hopefully. Maybe I can shake this feeling.

School is alright. Very school like.
Um, life is life like.
Might have found some jewelry for prom. That's exciting.

Ohhhhhh here we go.

Seventy four; told ya so

I already know what is going to happen. We'll talk all day everyday, then slowly.. You'll stop responding. I'll be surprised if we're still talking by the time my birthday comes around.

I feel oddly replaceable.
Like I'm bring toyed with.
But what's new..
I'm such a 6.
(For those of you wondering, I'm referring to the enneagram which is a personality.. Test, shall we say, that was created by Carl Jung. I love it. It fascinates me).
I don't trust anyone. I don't trust what they say. I think they're just ducking with me.
Such a 6.
Then I'm worrying, digging my heels in against authority.. But wishing for more security.

Whatever.
This is nothing new.
I'm just being melodramatic.
Just like every other teenager out there. Not surprised.
Ugh.

School tomorrow. Would rather not go.
What can ya do.
I'm spoiled. There are kids who would love to be going to school.. And I'm just complaining.

Seventy three; a sad numb.

I feel numb, but.. Sad.
I'm not happy.
Just lost.
Very lost.

I'm awaiting grad. That'll be emotional without my dad.
I've been watching Long Island medium, been making me think of my dad.
How things will be different for us.
It's.. Different.

I found out, on Tuesday, that I'm going to be an aunty on February. Chad texted me saying they were having a little boy. I'm so excited.
I'm excited but I probably won't be able to meet him for a very, very long time.

Still lost.

Seventy two; a welcome feeling.

The anxiety is creeping up again. So is the depression. I'm sitting in class, looking for all the exits even though I know nothing is going to happen.
I'm looking at the clock, fidgeting anxiously waiting for the bell to go so i can go to my next class.
I'm nearly happy to feel this familiar feeling. It's easier this way. Nothing can hurt me, I'm already as low as I can get. I don't know if I even want to be happy. I just crash anyway.
I've been going up and hiding in my room again.
Cowering away. Waiting.
My heart keeps racing.
I can't stand still.
I've been catching myself rocking from foot to foot.
Right now my heart is in my throat.
I've only just gotten out of the shower, gotten my outfit for tomorrow ready, and laid down, nearly ready for bed.
Yet, I'm waiting.
I don't want to go to school. I'm having problems finding motivation.
It's starting so soon.
Why don't I want to be happy?
I can't be helped if I don't want it.
I'm so confused.
Take these feelings away, no, let them stay. I don't know.

Seventy one; I think..

I'm bipolar.
I don't mean that in the "Ahahaha. Teenaged pms! Ahahaha".
I mean legitimately bipolar. I looked it up.. And if just seems to make sense. I've been reading alllll about it on the Internet. I know that isn't for sure or anything. But it makes sense.

I'm also pretty sure I may like someone more than I thought. I dislike that.

We might get Sky in the spring. Sandy is moving and may not be able to take her with. And she knows we love her and will take good care of her.

I'm so lost right now.

Seventy; is it bad...

That I miss the anxiety? The depression? The longing to feel normal?
I go through moments where i'm just.. So sad. Or I feel like i'm going to have an anxiety attack. But when those moments go, I feel empty. I don't know how to feel, or anything.

I just miss the loneliness, being able to stay home and hide in my room.
I don't know.
I don't get it.

I just don't feel right.

Sixty nine; little late.

So I figured I would tell you guys I got my prom dress. I got it on like.. Theee.. 1st or so. I love it. So much. I got it at the local dress shop here. I'm so excited for prom now.

I took my medicine, but then I took two midol. big mistake. Knocked me out for a few hours.

I'm not sure how I feel.
I had a dream about my dad last night.. Then today I was talking to my mom about this girl and how she is with the dad of her kid (who she is no longer with). My mom said the only reason she would have divorced my dad would have been for a reason that made it so he could never see us again. That caused a pang of hope.
I'm still in denial. I'm not sure how to come to terms with this. At has been 8 years.. How can I not.. I don't know. Anyone have any tips?

On the 28th, when I went and looked at dresses with Kaitlyn for prom, we went to the cancer ward afterwards. I kinda felt like it was.. A sign. Maybe. From my dad. Probably not.. But I like to think so.

I miss his voice. So much.
Ugh.

I'm so, blah. Not happy, not sad, but kinda.. Numb.
I don't know why. I was doing so well. Now I'm just so.. Iffy.

On the 17th I go for my L test. Then everyone can lay off my ass about it. That's exciting.

I'm tired.
I'm not sure what to do anymore.